Hey everyone. I just wanted to share my story and talk through it with people who understand. I will try to keep this succinct but also try and give all the details as well.
We met in January on an online dating site. The talks we had were deep and meaningful. After a week she came to my hockey game and watched me play. Within 10 minutes of meeting after the game we were making out in the parking lot. By the time we got to my place and cooked dinner (to get to know her with no intention of anything else) we already were having sex. About 45 minutes of actual, in person interaction. Mind you I am 33 (m) and she is 44 (f) with 3 kids and I thought, after our awesome chats, that we had a click immediately.
The next few weeks were great. I was "every girls dream" and "so wonderful and kind". Every now and then the clues were given to me. She was in a "17 year abusive marriage", her last boyfriend "was a snowflake and was a liar and manipulative and was cheating on his wife", the guy before her "drugged and raped her and was a narcissist", her ex husband "pulled a gun on her and the kids"... .but yet she moved to Florida with the supposed rapist and left her kids with him? She wished harm upon the kids father often. She made a big case that she is "broken because of all these abusive relationships". I felt for her and offered her nothing but support. She always talked about her exes. No matter what we did, I was compared to them. She would always question me "are you a narcissist? Those seem to be all I am attracted to." She would cry in the shower because it reminded her of the guy in Florida.
We would spend a lot of time together. Roller blading, cycling, I met her kids within a month and they loved me and I loved them. Eventually, shortly after Valentines Day, the splitting began. I did not know what it was at the time. We would text all day all the time and always say sweet, loving things to each other. All of a sudden I was "overwhelming her" and she doesn't know if she is ready for a relationship and I "may be a rebound but she isn't sure". She had met my father and my best friend a week prior and we agreed (and I booked) a trip to Florida because she hates PA weather. She then cancelled the trip on me and broke up with me. She, very passively, made it seem like I am a clingy guy who love bombs too hard. She said I have "anger issues" because a guy cut us off on the road and I was like What the heck. She said "your text words are intoxicating but your spoken word is angry".
I was so confused and felt awful about everything. Mind you she said things like "I love you so much", "you are everything I have ever wanted in another person", etc etc. For her to change that tune on me lead me to believe I was the cause of all of this. I pleaded with her to work with me and she met that with a cold demeanor. A week after we broke up she was back with the guy she was with before me and he apparently broke her heart again via Facebook. I tried to be there for her and she treated me like a jerk. I got angry with her and told her off. She met my anger with some awful insults about me. Much worse than what I said to her.
Fast forward to June. I have been in therapy since March because I thought I was insane. I sent an amends letter to her without seeking forgiveness or without a motive. I just told her that I felt bad about everything and wished her well.
She responded positively. "Aww that is so nice, we should catch up sometime." So we did... .I was in love with her. I saw her after a week of talking again and we had a pleasant dinner and hung out at her place. I made sure not to touch her and keep a distance at first. A week later we went on a bike ride together. The moment I walked in we kissed and it was lovely. We go on the ride and confessed our love for each other. She said "I knew you would be back" and "I missed you". Went back to her house and slept together and had a great day in each others arms.
The next 2 weeks were wonderful. She is a negative person and would almost always have a bad day. I was there for her... .every single time with words of encouragement and love. One night, I was going to go out with my friend and texted her "I am going out with a buddy, I'll text when I get home". She responded with "A female interest eh hahaha?" Believeing she has been abused I immediately was like "No! Im sorry I hurt you I am not seeing anyone else!" She responded with "Its okay, we arent commited or anything!" I was like what the heck? What do you mean we arent committed I thought we loved each other? She then said "You are a loveable guy but I am not wildly in love with you even though I dont believe that is even a real feeling". That made me upset and I stayed in instead telling her how much I cared and I am trying so hard to show her real love.
The next day it was business as usual. Everything seemed fine. She kept the comparissons with her exes up but I didnt let it get to me. I tried to empathize.
She started to, seemingly, open up to me. Saying things like: You are everything to me, you are showing me being in a real, loving relationship is normal, being in a good relationship is uncomfortable for me but I am learning to enjoy it, you are the most wonderful man I have ever met and I cant wait to assimilate into your life with your family.
I took her to meet my grandma and everything seemed to be falling into place. I had made it a point to not smother her and fix anything I did the first time we dated.
I go on a golf trip one weekend at the end of September. That Thursday she texted me "I love and miss you so much honey xoxo". Every day we texted all day and wished each other good morning and good night etc. On Friday she went out with her friend who, apparently, was in a relationship with a guy who was a drug user and physical abuser. I didnt hear from her that night and texted her in the morning that I was coming home Saturday and didnt hear from her and wanted to make sure she was okay.
The splitting started then. She finally responded at 1 pm saying she was on a bike ride. I had a bad Saturday as I was dealing with some family issues that were troubling and asked to see her that night. She already had plans with her friend so we talked on the phone for a while and she was there with me. Giving me advice on how to deal with my younger brother and the problems he is giving my mother. We got off the phone and I texted her thanking her for being there for me. She responded with "anytime honey. I want to see you but your schedule is frustrating and I cant bail on my friend". The day prior (Friday) I had texted her I was coming home early. I felt like she was frustrated with me and I said "Babe, I texted you yesterday letting you know I was coming home". She got really mad at me. Saying she didnt need me texting her what I said and rehashing that and she was going out with her friend now and she wasnt going to text me tonight because she was going to be having fun with her friend (said in a very angry way). I was hurt by that but pleaded with her that I was sorry and I didnt mean to hurt her feelings I was just really vulnerable.
I wake up the next day to her text messages. Saying things like I need to learn to deal with my family issues on my own and that I need to lose the codependent behavior. I agreed and said I would do what I needed to do.
Everything cooled off and we talked like normal again. On Tuesday the end happened.
We were texting and I wrote her a poem (as I did a lot and she always loved it). She said "You need to stick to going to law school hun". I was like "I thought you loved my poems?" She said she did but they arent very good. I said ok, no big deal, noted. She then went on to talk about her ex and how she wrote him poems all the time. She even shared on with me that was basically her flipping out on him for being a narcissist and breaking her heart.
I politely asked if we could stop talking about him because it is obviously painful for her. Her response was "You are only upset about that because I felt for him what you felt for me". That broke my heart. I then poured my heart out to her pleading with her to see I am trying so hard. She got really mad at me and said I am overwhelming her again and that she was happy to not spend the weekend with me. She said leave me alone today I have work to do I will call you later.
She calls me that night and we break up. I told her the constant comparissons bothered me and I hope that she knows that she shouldnt do that with people she is with. The conversation was pretty level-headed and not at all angry or violent in any way.
A mutual friend of ours, who she talked to Thursday night, and I spoke about what happened and he was shocked we broke up because she was so happy about everything that night. I didnt bash her or anything but told him I had always felt something wasnt right and it didnt make sense how she can constantly accuse me of being controlling and manipulative.
She kept texting me the whole rest of the week and I would scarcely respond. I wanted to give her space. She asked me to bike with her the following Monday and I agreed.
Saturday comes around. I get a text saying "(my name), I spoke with (our mutual friend), and he told me very directly that you two spoke and I dont appreciate you speaking to my friends. This is a clear violation of my boundaries. We are done here. I wont be with someone who spreads my business to my friends."
I was caught off guard. I told her he is my friend too and since we are so similar I reached out for advice, not to spread stuff about her. She then said he is her friend first, I dont know his family, this is me being controlling.
I texted our mutual friend and he said he didnt mention we spoke, his wife did. So somebody is lying to me.
Her text messages that day were very angry and she kept calling me names. I am controlling, manipulative, a narcissist, a liar, etc. Eventually I snapped and told her to get lost and that she is insane. I told her go back to being the prior guys mistress again if he is so great. I sent a final text saying for her to leave me alone and go away.
She then responded with a 17 page email entitled the "10 truths I am not willing to face". It was so very hurtful. I received it at 8 in the morning... .it had to take several hours to pen.
10. I am not ready to face the truth about myself. I went on a "smear campaign" and I am "gaslighting her".
9. I say all these things I am not but I am just like the "narcissist from Florida"
8. I didnt do anything for her except give her a few orgasms
7. She didnt give me a mountain to climb except work on my anger issues
6. She could tell me anything but I refused to accept it
5. We did not discuss living together (She asked me, in person, if I was serious about looking for a place in January)
4. I mark my territory and I am controlling
3. I pitched a hissy fit after she told me she felt for the guy before me what I felt for her
2. I am unstable
1. She didnt solicit or want my apologies.
That email was so brutal. The depth of each bullet point was so hurtful and angry with me. I spent so much energy on her and basically became submissive and codependent over time.
After a few weeks I reached out. Telling her I was sorry what happened between us and I just wanted to make things right and leave on a good foot. She said she didnt have any ill for me, etc etc.
3 weeks ago she sent me an email saying she still thinks of me and apologized for not being able to be available for me. She said nobody could love her better.
A week after that I reached out to her ex husband. Something in this whole mess didnt seem right and I wanted to talk to him face to face because I have been told that he is an awful guy and I was curious what his take was on her. He agreed but made sure I wasnt trying to "spy or acquire information to use against him". I thought that was odd.
Anyway, we meet and talked for 3 hours at a bar. The guy, I kinda know him because I was around his kids, cries in front of me within 30 minutes. He tells me the truth.
She cheated on him for 15 years. She was diagnosed with BPD 12 years ago. Tried to kill herself 5 times. She didnt want to be a mother. Neglected her kids when they were nursing. Had an affair with another married man in the group. Emotionally abused him. Emasculated him. She slept with half of a cycling club and caused a massive fist fight (she told me she didnt go there anymore because of political difference) last year.
He basically reversed everything she said about him. She made it seem all of their mutual friends chose him after the divorce because he manipulated all of them into taking his side. Meanwhile, it was because of the cheating, the child neglect and being mean to all these people during get togethers.
I then reached out to the guy in Florida, to see whos story matches, and sure enough his take on it was very similar to her ex husbands. It turns out, she is a sex addict and would voluntarily get gangbanged by a whole bunch of men.
I was furious... .more heartbroken than anything. Felt like I was the dumbest man alive for falling for such a fake person. I sent her a final email. Telling her I know the truth about everything and that the way she treats people is not acceptable.
She called the police on me and tried to get a PFA. That didnt work because I didnt threaten her, I didnt stalk her, I just told the truth.
Now I sit her and feel bad for this person. After all I have read about BPD I feel terrible for being mean to her because it is an illness.
On the other hand, the words her ex husband said, while in tears because he has to co-parent with her, "she is probably the worst person I ever met".
I wrote this letter, that I will not send, that goes into even greater detail about how I felt about our relationship and her
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331649.0
