Pre-existing lists for mediation? Advice please

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

It’s been awhile since my last post about my situation... .in fact it was around April:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323427.msg12954129#msg12954129

So we finally started going to a new therapist biweekly and at times every week. This lasted from August until today. My BPDw was not more open (go figure!) this time around and much of the same lies continued.

However, the sessions and patience paid off because the therapist was able to see her repeatedly and I believe that his report will be telling when requested by the judge. Today was our last session and I and BPDw have both agreed that it is best to meet with a mediator to help us during our separation and put the kids first.

It is obvious my BPDw does not intend to compromise one bit and I believe this will be extremely apparent within the first mediations. However, I still feel that having a couple sessions with her in front of the mediator can’t be anything but more helpful as evidence of her uncooperative/blaming attitude.

After a couple sessions I expect to finally request a court date and have this out in front of a judge. I finally feel completely ready.

So my question is what do those of you who have been through mediations with a pwBPD traits advise me on how to prepare? I have read the book Splitting and I intend to reread certain sections. If I remember correctly there was advice about trying to show that you are proactive in trying to solve potential problems. To come into the mediations with a list of detailed issues needing address and with possible solutions to them. Obviously all of this within the context of putting the kids first.

What else would you suggest? Or is there anything else that I should prepare for?

Thank you as always!
LAT

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

It’s been awhile since my last post about my situation... .in fact it was around April:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323427.msg12954129#msg12954129

So we finally started going to a new therapist biweekly and at times every week. This lasted from August until today. My BPDw was not more open (go figure!) this time around and much of the same lies continued.

However, the sessions and patience paid off because the therapist was able to see her repeatedly and I believe that his report will be telling when requested by the judge. Today was our last session and I and BPDw have both agreed that it is best to meet with a mediator to help us during our separation and put the kids first.

It is obvious my BPDw does not intend to compromise one bit and I believe this will be extremely apparent within the first mediations. However, I still feel that having a couple sessions with her in front of the mediator can’t be anything but more helpful as evidence of her uncooperative/blaming attitude.

After a couple sessions I expect to finally request a court date and have this out in front of a judge. I finally feel completely ready.

So my question is what do those of you who have been through mediations with a pwBPD traits advise me on how to prepare? I have read the book Splitting and I intend to reread certain sections. If I remember correctly there was advice about trying to show that you are proactive in trying to solve potential problems. To come into the mediations with a list of detailed issues needing address and with possible solutions to them. Obviously all of this within the context of putting the kids first.

What else would you suggest? Or is there anything else that I should prepare for?

Thank you as always!
LAT

[flourdust]

Some general rules of thumb... .

1. Figure out if you and your stbex are allowed to bring attorneys or if you have to go in alone.

2. Some mediators have an option of putting the two sides into separate rooms and shuttling between them. This can be helpful if it's a likely to become a high-conflict situation.

3. It's often the case that mediation records are sealed off from the court, meaning that nothing that happens in mediation (other than the outcome) will be reported to the judge. If that's the case, you won't get any "evidence of her uncooperative/blaming attitude" from mediation.

4. Make sure you know what you are there to negotiate and what you aren't. I went to my first mediation session with the intent of negotiating a final divorce settlement. My ex came with the intent of negotiating more temporary money from me during divorce proceedings. I got distracted by her game plan and forgot my own.

5. As a general rule of thumb, anything you can get off the table during mediation saves you money, because you don't need to fight for it in court. So, you may wish to focus on getting signed agreements on points that are not in dispute.

6. It's often reported that pwBPD are unrealistic about "winning" in mediation, meaning that the first (or first several) sessions are not productive. If that's the case, don't waste your time - bail out of the session as soon as it is clear it's not going to go anywhere.

7. As always, run this advice or any plan of yours by your attorney first!

[zachira]

I have never been divorced so what I have to say may not be the slightest bit relevant to your situation. I do have a life time of experience of dealing with family members with BPD and NPD, though I have never been married to one. I am wondering if it might just work better to have your two lawyers just get together without the two of you present, and work on finalizing the divorce while keeping you and your wife in the loop. People with BPD and NPD often are only looking to keep the drama going, which just costs you time and lots of money. If there is no stage for her, just maybe she will agree to the divorce sooner rather than later. Also, people with BPD and NPD often act their worst in front of their immediate family members and try to behave better in front of others. Just some thoughts, and I am not offended if this is not helpful. You know your situation the best, and what could possibly work.

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer can inform you how mediation works, whether the mediator can report more than "mediation failed".  If mediation succeeds at this early stage then either your spouse is not that entitled and controlling or else you Gifted Away far too much.  Ponder that warning.  For most of us our initial mediation attempts failed.  However we were surprised when later, after some of the initial entitlement weakened, usually just before a major hearing or trial.  For me, I walked in to court on Trial Day near the end of our two year  divorce process and was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  No hint beforehand.

Many therapist avoid court like the plague.  Too easy for a blaming patient to sue in retribution or make complaints to the oversight boards.  But if you have a Custody Evaluation and a good evaluator, generally the therapists and other professionals will share their experiences with the evaluator.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Wow... .thank you for quick replies.

Well it looks like I need to do some more homework as to what mediation will be going on. I was not aware of some of these aspects. I meet with my lawyer early January and I guess I’ll have to hatch out a plan with her.

She had already told me that we should try to mediate this outside of court, specifically that the judge will want to see that we’ve already attempted things on our own. She then told me that if my wife is not cooperative by the second session that her experience is to drop mediation immediately and bring it before the judge. She explained that people who blame and have distorted reality like my BPDw will drag it on and often refuse to conclude, racking up the bills and wasting time.

 My lawyer recommends asking for an urgent hearing (we live abroad so this might not be the same in the States) so my BPDw would be given two weeks from when she receives the summons to the hearing date. At the hearing arguments are quickly heard and the judge must decide what is safest for the children. I was told that whoever gets kids will be given the house immediately. Then over the next 6 months the judge will use evaluators to look into us and much more to see whether or not this arrangement should be changed. After 6 months then the next hearing would be when the divorce is actually finalized at 2 years.

Quite honestly I don’t know what the best strategy is here. My lawyer seems quite experienced and savvy regarding my BPDw’s behaviors. Obviously she knows the system. The part I’m most worried about is having the information I have well organized and explanatory. Especially patterns involving her behaviors with the children.

Thanks again,
LAT

[zachira]

Has your lawyer explained to you about keeping the kind of documentation that will be considered as valid evidence in Court?

[flourdust]

Your lawyer sounds like she has experience with these kind of cases. I can certainly attest to... .

people who blame and have distorted reality like my BPDw will drag it on and often refuse to conclude, racking up the bills and wasting time.