Feeling emotional after contact with my half sis

[JNChell]

Hey all. First off, happy holidays to everyone celebrating and good day to those that aren’t.

I don’t even know how to start this because I immediately came here.

I was adopted as an infant. It was through the RC church. My ex put me into contact with my bio parents before I was ready. I had spoken to her about eventually finding them. Well, she did without asking.

I hadn’t communicated with my half sister for some time. Bio dad ended up dying from cancer before we could meet for a burger and a beer. I had been in contact with his daughter while he was still alive. After he died, nothing.  I texted his phone one day, and his ex wife called me. She’s a total narcissist. She showed up in the to “care” for a dying person. I was sitting in my closet crying when she started in. The thing is is that I don’t know either one of them. What I’m trying to process is why would his ex wife come to the rescue? Is she a narcissist? During the phone call she only talked about how bad my was and how much she was doing for him upon dying. If he was that bad, why are you helping him die?

I’m just glad to be back in contact with my half sister. I’m glad that she hasn’t cut me off since our dad died.

I just needed to come here to vent.

[Harri]

Hi.

I remember you sharing before that your ex found your birth parents before you were ready.  Sort of boggles the mind to think she thought that was a good idea.

I don't know if the one behavior is enough to label your bio dad's ex a narcissist or not.  Lots of people react differently to death and grief.  Many people somehow change when someone dies and all of a sudden it is like they were best friends or something, or in the case of the ex, a supportive person in spite of how he treated her (supposedly).

I am sorry that your bio dad died before you got to know him and that his ex could not put aside her own stuff long enough to see that you might need something from her other than hearing her complaints.

I’m just glad to be back in contact with my half sister. I’m glad that she hasn’t cut me off since our dad died.

Have you met your half sister?  How long ago did he die?

 

[JNChell]

Thanks, Harri. I knew you’d show up. Maybe I am over speculating, but the phone call was odd. It was her telling me how bad of a person that he was. She closed with “I just thought you should know who he was”. I really wanted to meet him. He wasn’t threatening or or overbearing like my bio mom. He was just a guy.

Yeah, these arm chair dx fly through my mind. I’m at a point where I see Cluster B everywhere. It’ll pass, but it’s here for now.

The info that I’ve gathered about my bio dad is that he was never a self fulfilled guy,. Gambling addiction, hit his kids up for money, etc. Yes, I agree that he most likely didn’t treat the women in his life well. I don’t know why. I can only speculate.

His dad is rich and lives in Vegas. Upon talking to his ex wife, they’re pretty much cut off and will receive nothing. My dad hadn’t really had contact with his for many years. Maybe my thoughts are skewed.

Bottom line, my dad’s father wasn’t in his life. It seems that my half sister is interested in continuing communication.

[JNChell]

BTW, I implemented the tools that are offered here while communicating with her. The tools worked.

[Tsultan]

Hi JNChell, Sorry you lost your Dad before you got the chance to meet him.

I am trying to understand why your Dads ex would be so insensitive to your well being and say negative things about your Dad. She sounds angry still and hasn’t processed her stuff.

No one person can be either all bad or all good. We each have good character traits and negative character traits.

I was married for 24 years and I don’t say negative things to my children about their father. We are divorced for 4 years now. Believe me he had some pretty not so upstanding behavior. But that is between me and him not our children and him. Plus, I choose not to participate in gossip as a rule. Gossip is harmful and unfair to the person who is not present to be able to defend themselves. Plus, it’s a passive way to deal with any conflicts directly with the person being gossiped about.

I hope that helps. I hope you get to spend some time with your half sister in the future and connect if that’s what you would enjoy doing.

Hugs,
Tsultan

[JNChell]

Tsultan, we need to do some fishing!

[Turkish]

 This sounds difficult to process emotionally.  You have one view and she has another based upon her experiences.  Additionally,  she never knew your bio mom,  yes?

[JNChell]

She never knew my bio mom. I don’t know what else to say.

[JNChell]

Turkish, she has one view, and I have another.

[JNChell]

Her dad died. I don’t know what that feels like. We discussed it a bit. She seems to be ok. She’s definitely different than when we first communicated. I imagine that there’s a lot of emotion there. My dad died, but I didn’t really care for him. I gave him headphones when he died. Sorry.

[Turkish]

Turkish, she has one view, and I have another.

So that's established.  You both grew up in different homes with different experiences.  Reconciling those views may not be possible at this point.  You are both independent entities.

It sounds like you are angry now.  Do you feel that in the future you could talk with her again after some time?

[JNChell]

We had a hard talk tonight. It wasn’t really constructive because it was about us. She doesn’t even love the guy that shes with. I don’t get this crap man. I just don’t get it.

[Turkish]

I'm a  only child,  as are you.  I so wished for a sibling as a kid. I observe my kids and wonder how it would have been.  At 6 and almost 9, I see the fights which drive me nuts,  but I also see the love,  support and bonding. I try to imaging how they will be when teenagers and adults. 

We never had those experiences.  Neither did your sister.  I'm thinking back to what my T told me about being a father,  because I never had one,  "you're inventing."

You didn't have a sister growing up,  so you're also "inventing." The kind of brother you will be is up to you,  under your control. 

You've connected,  but also kind of invalidated each other.  Grimm my view,  it is what it is.  She laying her personal problems on you seems frustratimg,  but take it like this: she trusts you enough to tell you. 

Can you do the same and tell her about you and what you're going though? I would think this wouldn't be easy and would require grace on both sides. 

[JNChell]

Yes I can.

[JNChell]

Man, I really got things mixed up last night. I crossed my situations here. I apologize. I had things going on with my half sis and a conversation with my ex. So, I should get this thread back on track.

Harri, bio dad passed away a few months ago. In my last voice communication with him he told me that he had lung cancer and that he was still smoking. That sounds like someone that threw in the towel and it was scary because it’s similar to how I’ve behaved in the past. I hit points where I just wanted to give up. Stepping aside and looking at all of this has shown me the generational toxicity that needs to end. I’m the one that can do that. It’s hard and it sucks but it has to end. God I hate the holidays.

I’m still trying to process why my ex took it upon herself to contact my bio parents without asking me first. I’m really conflicted currently. Was she trying to do something good, or was she actively seeking to upend my life? There’s a lot more that goes into that question, but this isn’t the thread for that.

I’ve not met my half sis yet. We have things in common, and I’d like to get to know her and eventually meet. If she’s ok with the idea of course. My social and family circle is very small. I’d like to grow it a bit.

Aging has become a bit lonely. I don’t do being alone very well. I never have. I accept that I’m lonely because of my own choices, but I fear that at my age it’s too late to change any of that. I can change and heal myself, but that’s it.

Sorry for going off on a rail Harri. Thanks for always being there. 

[JNChell]

Tsultan, yeah, the conversation with bio dad’s ex was unsettling and confusing. I haven’t really sat with it yet to think about the reasons why, so it still bothers me. My bio dad wasn’t pushy like bio mom was. I eventually cut bio mom off and told her that I no longer wanted contact with her. He was friendly and didn’t seem to have any obligation to be “my dad”. I was comfortable with that. I was comfortable with a burger and a beer. Bio mom wanted to “look into my eyes”. I don’t want that woman anywhere close to my child.

I’m in agreement with you on how peeps aren’t all good or all bad. Digging a little deeper, it can be what we choose over what we think. Most of us here weren’t handed a proper road map to navigate life, and it’s been difficult to find our way. A community like this is a blessing. I’m grateful for it. I’m realizing that I can come here when I fall along the way and I’m not judged or looked down upon. The fine folks here “get it”.

24 years is a very long time. You seem to be holding up well. You give good advice and are validating. Throwing the ball back into your court, how are you feeling? My relationship wasn’t nearly as long as your’s, but the feelings still become quite acute at times. Do you experience this at all?

Thank you, Tsultan.

[JNChell]

Turkish, I’m not an only child. I also have a sister that was adopted. She’s actually a psychologist that specializes in PD’s and children. I’m very proud of her. I have two half brothers and two half sisters. I’m in contact with one half sister.

I have no desire to reconcile anything with my half sis. We don’t even really know each other yet. I would like to get to know who she is now, and her, me. The garbage is garbage. I’m curious and a bit anxious as to where conversation will take us. Maybe a burger and a beer along the way.

“Inventing”. I’m trying so hard but I feel alone in trying. His mom isn’t here. She’s there. It’s  hard. I’m not stating anything you don’t know. I’m bargaining. I miss the days of us sitting on the couch together and relaxing. S4 would force his mom and I to kiss. He’d laugh and clap his hands when we did. It’s just hard, man.

I think that I’m more sad than angry. Anger is definitely present. It has been for years. Decades.

Anyway, I hope that I can meet my half sis soon.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,  ,
I get that, "the feelings become quite acute at times".  Brief history:

I married my ex husband when I was 27 yrs old. 24 yrs later we divorced.  We have 2 children together. I divorced b/c he was a high functioning alcoholic not willing to go into recovery and it became painful to stay in the marriage.  He was cold and distant and often times gave me the silent treatment much like my mother did.  I was finally able to set my boundary.  I tried so hard with the marriage but it takes to two to put in the effort to make it work. I later found out during the divorce process he had been seeing someone all along and probably had been for the past 4 years. I was furious to say the least.  It all made sense why he would hide his phone desperately from me.  I just thought he was a real private person.  Oh boy the denial I suppose. 

 I met my exBPDbf in recovery while going through the divorce process.  Wasn't expecting that to happen and I said to myself that it might work as long as I process all the grief with my marriage.  We tried to take it slow and we did an okay job with that but my exBPDbf and I had really powerful chemistry together which I now know some of the reasons why after reading about the dynamic between the BPD and the non-BPD.  I do think there were other qualities that I loved about him as well.  He was funny, fun to be with (we laughed a lot together), We were like 2 kids together innocently and harmless, we had both spent years in a recovery group 12-step program his was for an addiction and mine was for being affected by someone else who drank the family (both parents drank alcoholically), so there was the bond working too,  we had a lot of similar viewpoints, not all shared but enough to "get each other" on a certain level, spiritual beliefs, etc.

Getting over my 24 year marriage was not nearly as hard as letting go of the relationship I had with my exBPDbf!  Looking back, I think I married my ex-husband because I thought he would be a good father to my 4 year old son.  It really wasn't about what I wanted.  Ironically, he wasn't the father figure I thought he would be. 
That was probably my first mistake.  In hindsight, I would have been better off looking for a person who made a good companion for me.  But that is where my codependency stepped in.  I sometimes find it easier to take care of someone else rather than myself.  I'm a work in progress. 

I'm pretty sure my mother had narcissistic traits.  Or maybe BPD or both they intermingle.  I'm tired of figuring out other peoples diagnosis at the moment.  :/ I do know that I spent most of my childhood and teenage years trying to make her happy and keeping her from raging.  (scary stuff when she raged) cupboards slamming, silent treatment (oh so painful).  So that set the stage for my learning care of others rather than myself. 

It wasn't until I want to Al-anon and someone there told me it's not my responsibility to make her happy.  It was like a 50 lb bag of emotional weight was lifted off my back.  So, I began my recovery journey in my early 20's.  I have a lot tools from the program that I use.  I am very grateful to have found those rooms and will probably never leave  them.  I have developed some very supportive relationships there which were my lifesavers during the divorce and through my break up with my exBPDbf.  Although, they could never understand the dynamics like the people on this website can.  Some of my friends in the program would say to me, well why do you keep going back to him?  I felt like a failure in my recovery program, with comments like those.  I couldn't understand the strong connection I had with my exBPDbf.  I had never felt that way before in my life with any other man.  I do know that the connection I had with him in a way was similar to the connection I have with my half sister who has and was diagnosed with BPD.  So, I think, no, I know it's the familiarity of that connection I had with my sister that also played into my bond with my exBPDbf. 

My 1/2 BPD sister had a big part in raising me.  My mom had a way of shirking her responsibilities onto her children.  So my 1/2 BPD sister was the one who had a good part in raising me.  changing my diapers, blah blah blah... .  I asked her during our last phone call and she confirmed that she had most of the responsibility of raising me.  I was trying to find out why I felt this strong connection to my exBPDbf.

How am I doing? 

I'm doing better each day.  I used to get those strong painful waves of grief that would just feel like overwhelming at times.  I haven't had one of those episodes very recently except after I ran into him on one of my walks along the canal and we walked and talked together.  It was like going back to square one again in the grief process.

 It's been going on 8 mos since he "let go" of me.  I set a boundary b/c he was blaming me for his behavior of always "letting go" of me.  The final "letting go" was when I told him I needed space b/c blaming is definitely a trigger for me.  My ex husband used to blame me for many things.  I wasn't about to have any more of that! Nor, should I.  So, my ex BPD bf said my terms were unacceptable and he could not be with someone with those terms.  And that's what caused the final "letting go". 

So, if you think about it, if he really loved and cared about me in a healthy way, he would care about my needs and try to work on not blaming me for his behavior.  But first, of course, he has to own his behavior (which we know how that works with a BPD). 

He tried to say it was my anger that made him run all the time.  Hand on the bible I only lost it and yelled loudly a couple times in our 3 1/2 yr relationship.  It was mostly at the beginning when I was very confused about why he would leave me for no apparent reason.  It usually takes a lot to get me that angry these days.  As I learned about the disorder I didn't react as much because I knew it was just what they do.  I was able to detach and not take the behavior personally, although it still hurt b/c of the abandonment feelings. 

He would perceive even the smallest amount of raising my voice as abusive.  Something I would try very hard to work on as to not cause him to trigger.  But even talking normal would cause him to say I was raising my voice.  I know it was his wounds not my behavior causing him to perceive this as yelling.

Today, when I woke up I felt joy and happiness which I haven't felt in awhile.  I was definitely feeling depressed after this break up.  I have had a lot of adjustments to deal with. 

I realized that I never lived on my own before until 4 yrs ago when I divorced.  I can make a decent living with my job but I stress over "what if's".  What if I loose my job, etc.  I am learning to trust that God will take care of me as he always has.  I have a few good friends, healthy relationship with my children, a strong recovery network and a home and much to be grateful for.  Plus, I have a horse and a cat which provide companionship. 

I think I rambled and may have repeated myself from previous posts so I apologize for that.  I need to get this stuff off my chest and it takes as long as it takes. 

thanks for asking how I'm doing and thanks for listening.  I think writing helps with the healing the process. 

Have a peaceful day... .
Tsultan

 

[JNChell]

Hey, Bluegill. Sorry it’s taken me a minute to get back.

I’m sorry about what you had to discover inside of your marriage. Infidelity is a blade that runs deep. I hope that you know that none of that was your fault. He’s not ok inside of his skin. Being in that state causes people to act out in inappropriate ways. It’s not your responsibility to help him or stick around for his internal war. He’s a grown man. If he chooses to confront his stuff, he will.

It’s easy to bond over the pain and struggles. It’s easy to relate to it. I really empathize with you here. I’ve been alone now for over a year. I haven’t even kissed a woman, and I love women. Bonding through trauma is an interesting thing. It’s easy and comfortable. It’s what we know. I’ve done it many times over. It’s lead to immediate sex and enmeshment. We tried to soothe each other before getting to know one another. Placing all that needed to be healed aside.

These days, I’m interested in values and virtues. I think that this is where a healthy bond begins. I totally went off on a tangent, but, if I read correctly you, like me, are accustomed to bonding over trauma. Man, just in typing this I’m realizing so much about myself. You and I deserve healthy love.  The thing is, we need to know what it looks like. We need to step away from emotions that are grounded in trauma. That’s our past. What does our future look like? We have to paint that picture. We’re not our past. We’re our present.

You’re right. It’s not your responsibility to make anyone happy. If you can be happy together, great? I’ve placed this burden on others and had it placed on me. It simply doesn’t work.

I understand how hard it was to run into your ex when you were simply trying to relax. What a monkey wrench. I’ve been at the bargaining stage lately. Where do you feel like you are in the grieving process?

Terms. You know, when I think about things, “terms” don’t really resonate with solution. There will always be conflict in relationships. Big or small, but resolution should always be at the forefront. That is healthy. That is down right sexy. It’s productive.

The “what if’s” can get us lost. I empathize with you here. I’m not any good at this yet, but I’m learning that the “what if’s” need to go away, and that we just need to do. Just doing snuffs out the “what if’s”. Those questions hold us back.

In closing, I’m sorry that you had to find your way here. I know that it hurts. I’m glad, though, that you found us.

[JNChell]

she trusts you enough to tell you.

Thanks for this, Turkish. That one statement helps me to see the perspective of the situation. I needed that.

[Tsultan]

JNChell, Bluegill - ! That made me laugh.   

Where am I now?  I'm at the acceptance stage.  I'll see where I am at in 2 weeks from now.

I found a very helpful piece of literature no. S-71 "Loving Interchange to Resolve Conflict" it's from Al-Anon.

It explains the definition of conflict which was helpful to me.  Before conflict just felt like a knot in my stomach.  Now I know if I feel that knot in my stomach it's usually because I feel a threat to one of my needs, interest or concerns.  And the next step for me is to find a resolution.  Sometimes, people are willing to work together with you to help you resolve the conflict, other times not.  Then I need to decide how I can get my need met either within the relationship or outside of it.  I can apply this to all relationships.  Not just romantic ones.  Changing what I can and knowing the difference.  And accepting the things that I cannot change. 

Sounds so simple right?

Swimming off for now,
Bluegill aka Tsultan

"splash!"

[JNChell]

Hi, Bluegill! If you’d rather I use your selected handle, just say so. If not, you’re Bluegill from here on out.

Where am I now?  I'm at the acceptance stage.  I'll see where I am at in 2 weeks from now.

Acceptance took me a while to reach. Now, I’ve been bargaining a bit which tells me that maybe I haven’t quite succeeded in accepting things as they are. I know that the process isn’t linear. Time can help to diffuse the acute feelings.

I find what you have to say about the knot in your stomach very interesting and it makes sense. It actually lines up with the therapy that I’m in. Your body is talking to you when this happens. Listen to it. Sit with it. Look at it. What does it say to you?

Changing what I can and knowing the difference.  And accepting the things that I cannot change.

This reminds me of the Serenity Prayer. Looking forward to wetting a line with you again.