Book reading advice

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

I’m sure many great reading suggestions have already been made so I’m sorry if this post is repetitive. The event below has me wanting to learn more.

I just returned from a meeting with my BPDw and our D10’s therapists with whom she does group therapy. The therapy was initially started at my request with the support of her teachers who thought she had some mental blocks going on. This is our 1st meeting with them since D10 started group therapy at the end of August.

They dropped a huge bomb that “in their opinion she is very much lost in her identity” and that “it is extremely obvious that she is in search of a mother figure and attaches quickly to any older woman. She desperately wants unconditional love without having to to feel that she must give in order to receive.” Then they were silent and just stared at my BPDw. Silence. No response. I started tearing up because even though I’ve always known this it was emotional to hear them say it out loud. Finally when BPDw spoke she talked about how “yes D10 is very girly and how she loves to mimic older women.”

Anyway... .the discussion was very productive for me to hear what they had to say. And I realize that even though I do my best to make up for her missing mother figure (I’ll never be enough) that I have never read a dedicated book that might be of great help to me here.

Any suggestions?

Also if they are written in the context of a post-divorce setting then even better. I am meaning to order don’t alienate the kids so maybe some stuff will be in there.

Thanks!
LAT

[worriedStepmom]

My heart is breaking for your daughter and for you. 

I recently read Understanding the Borderline Mother.  It does a great job at describing the different types of BPD mom and the way they effect their children, but it is mostly geared towards adult children. 

My stepdaughter is 11, and I've been actively looking for books on how to help her, but I haven't found much that is useful for younger kids, rather than just adult children of pwBPD.  You might want to ask the therapists if they have any suggestions.

Your BPDw is incapable of offering what your D needs.  Is there someone else who can play that role of loving maternal figure in her life? My children's school district has a mentorship program.  A child can be assigned a mentor that will stay with them until they graduate from high school, and who spends an hour or so with the child every week.  Could you perhaps talk with the counselor at your daughter's school and see if they have a similar program?  Programs like Big Brothers, Big Sisters (if it exists in your area) can also give your daughter a good female role model in her life. 

Will the therapists provide any help with your divorce case?   That is valuable information about the way BPDw parents, and it could be useful for you to gain more parenting time.

[kells76]

Hi LAT,

Glad you had such a validating experience in the meeting. What a difference it can make to hear those words coming out of a professional's mouth. Saddening and perhaps relieving at the same time -- you're not the problem, but there is a problem, and it's Mom.

It's been a while since I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson, but that may have some helpful insights for you. She outlines what she sees as four "types" of the BPD mother (hermit, waif, queen, witch), common behaviors, and impacts on children. It's not written with pre- or post-divorce specifically in mind from what I remember. Our local public library actually had a copy.

My DH has two girls, and their mom, while undiagnosed, shows some pretty typical behaviors (blaming, seeking validation externally, self-centered, inappropriate boundaries, likes to be "victim", etc). SD10 seems to struggle with identity more, and definitely tells each parent/stepparent what she thinks they want to hear in order for things to go well. SD12 used to be in that position (around age 10, in fact -- maybe this is an age/developmental thing, especially if your D10 has similar struggles?) but seems to have a more solid internal core. Could also be personality -- SD12 is more rigid about Justice and Right/Wrong.

I do want to give you some hope -- a consistent, positive, reliable, empathetic, validating female role model in your D10's life will make a difference for her down the road, even if she's still kind of swimming around right now.  If there's one counselor in particular that she seems to connect with, keep that going. Or if you have a sister, niece, fun/level-headed church friend, if she has an empathetic teacher... .see what you can do to support a consistent, dependable relationship between your D10 and that person (maybe talk with them beforehand about what's going on).

Kudos to you for caring so much about your D. It's a long road but you've given your D a huge gift by supporting counseling for her now.

kells76

(note -- cross posted with another stepmom!   )

[kells76]

I haven't read "An Umbrella for Alex" but I hear that it's geared towards helping children understand what's going on in a home where one parent has BPD -- but without "diagnosing" BPD or mentioning it specifically. Worth a look on Amazon or at the library.

[worriedStepmom]

I haven't read "An Umbrella for Alex" but I hear that it's geared towards helping children understand what's going on in a home where one parent has BPD -- but without "diagnosing" BPD or mentioning it specifically. Worth a look on Amazon or at the library.

We have An Umbrella for Alex.   It is written for younger children (4-7) and uses simple language to describe how one parent's emotions are overwhelming and unpredictable and it isn't the child's fault.   It also touches on the depression that might come with the disorder, where the parent doesn't feel well enough to spend time with you.

After reading it, my H decided not to give it to SD11.  uBPDmom is open that she has been diagnosed with anxiety, so we use that to explain to SD what is going on. We've had lots of conversations along the lines of: "Mom's brain works differently than our brains.  We didn't choose to have our brains work this way, and neither did Mom.  When X happens, what would you think?  Yes, me too. Mom thinks <toned-down version of whatever crazy mom spouted at SD that day>.   Yes, it's really, really sad that Mom is hurting like that, and I wish she felt better.  But it isn't our/your job to fix it.  We can't make Mom's brain work differently - only Mom and her doctors can figure out how to do that."  And then, when appropriate, info about boundaries around certain behaviors.

So, for us, the book didn't really offer anything new to SD11.

SD isn't going to buy the "anxiety is the cause" part for much longer (my son and one of her friends have recently been diagnosed with anxiety), but we'll deal with that later.

[zachira]

Don't underestimate the impact you can have on your daughter's well being both now and in the future by being the best father you can be. "Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children" and "The Whole Brain Child: Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" are two good books on raising happy, healthy children.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Thanks all for your support and reading suggestions.

Regarding other positive mother figures, there are many... .but I think something D10 really struggles with is “why” is mom not like many of these of mother figures. She has asked me multiple times In the past “why isn’t mom nice like other moms?” In many ways I guess I feel like I’ve always been the mother figure in our house... .though I can definitely learn more and need do more. But what she’s having difficulty with is that her mom isn’t the ideal mother she wants ... .this will never be repaired. In a way it’s a realization that everyone faces, i.e. losing the “ideal parent”, but it’s just really way too young for a loss like this. What makes it worse is that she searches and searches for her mother’s love, attention, acceptance, validation, etc... .it’s a continual disappointment.

As for books, I have Understanding the Borderline Mother but haven’t read it in years. I’ll give a look again. Attached to the heart and the whole brain child I don’t know... .I’ll definitely check them out!

Thank you everyone,
LAT

[zachira]

Children often think something is wrong with them when they have a parent that is not as loving and kind as other children's parents. Remind your daughter often how you love her, and that mom is the way she is, and your daughter has not done something to make her that way.