Today is my dad’s birthday

[JNChell]

Today is my dad’s birthday. He died in 2010. Celebrating his birthday always felt like an obligation that was orchestrated by my mother. Nothing extravagant, but I remember feeling like sis and I had to make him feel special. It felt off. It didn’t feel genuine. It felt like a duty.

I don’t miss him and never have. The only thing that I saved of him is a picture of him tipping a cup of beer in my mouth when I was still in a play pen. Just typing those words brings out a lot of anger. I will bite my tongue. He did teach me some useful things that I don’t practice. Probably because they came from him. I still despise him 9 years after his death. Happy birthday dad.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey JNChell,

I know that reminders of your father are probably very painful and difficult. I am sorry you had to go through such a terrible experience growing up.

It's natural to feel angry and resentful towards someone who hurt you, especially when that person was supposed to love and protect you.

I am glad, though, that his abusive nature has not carried over into your generation. In spite of having a horrible example for a father, you are striving to be the best dad you can possibly be to your son.

He can't hurt you anymore. He failed you, but you have risen far above him.
You have become to your son what he never was for you. You have stopped the toxic cycle. That's not easy.

I hope you can find some peace with this.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Thank you, IAR. You’re right. He can’t hurt me anymore. And yes, the cycle is being broken, I hope.

That man was a very unwell person. I was adopted into that. I could somewhat predict the beatings that I got from my mom, but my dad was unpredictable. And his stuff was twisted.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  Isn't it strange how these anniversaries can spark thoughts?  Logically, it makes no sense when it happened recently with my mom but it did happen.

How are you doing?

[JNChell]

I’m good, Harri. Thanks for asking. A little emotional, but no dishes are broken. . I don’t know if there is any logic that deserves to be paid attention to anymore when it comes to these nut jobs. Asss. Abusive asss: it gets tiring, Harri.

I should be farther on down the line than to be calling my dead parents vulgar names.

[Harri]

Nope.  No shoulds JNChell.  I ended my abuse a long time ago too, and still have times when I call my parents all sorts of nasty names.  At times I am angry, hurt, outraged.  I feel betrayed and robbed sometimes.  It is exhausting.  It just is.

No judgement from me or you regarding where you are right now.  It just is.  

I see so many changes in you ya know, since I first met you here.  
 You are aware of the abuse and can label it and describe it.  That is a huge step.  
 You are able to connect your feelings to the abuse.  
 You are allowing yourself to feel more and more.
 You can tell when the feelings you have today are actually from your past
 You are able to just Be with your feelings.
 You are talking with us
 You are able to step outside of your own pain and know when you need to step back and self-care
 You are able to step outside of your pain and help others.

Should?  What does that have anything to do with the above.  You are doing this.   

Have you looked at the Survivor's Guide recently to see what step(s) you are at?
 

[JNChell]

I feel like a person that needs to explode with anger. I haven’t come very far. I’ve come far enough to recognize my dad’s birthday and become completely pissed off. Sitting with this sucks. How is one mad at a dead man? I surely am.

[Harri]

Go outside and chop wood, go for a run, do some art, something to get some of your anger out (but save your crockery!).

Sitting with this does suck.  Finding constructive outlets can help.  Accepting anger as part of the healing process also helps.  It will not last forever but it is necessary and as unpleasant and as uncomfortable as it is, it is necessary and good.

If writing helps, open a word document and let the words flow, no editing... . 

How is one mad at a dead man?  Easy enough and often appropriate and healthy way to heal. 

[JNChell]

I will save the plates. I enjoy spaghetti without ceramic pieces. Harri, thank you.

[Harri]

 

You are welcome JNChell.  Keep writing when you can.

[JNChell]

I was pretty depressed today in the aftermath of the anger. Ironically enough, my Sis contacted me today out of concern. She had a bad dream about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt bad for being the reason behind her discomfort. Have I traumatized my sister? I assured her that I was fine. That I had a crappy day yesterday and that it was interesting that she had an unsettling experience on the same day. I’m sure that it’s nothing to read into. I also don’t want to be affecting her like that. I’m not ok with that. I’m protective over my sis. Its not ok for me to be causing her dreams like that.