Living as an afterthought in H's life

[AskingWhy]

uBPD H and I have been married for over 20 years.  Many of you already know my sad tale, so please scroll down to avoid the details.

It was not until a few years ago that I learned my H had a disorder and there was a name for it.  I was vaguely aware something was horribly wrong about a year into the marriage when H started to dysregulate frequently and made his young children from his first marriage the center of his life. 

First off, BPDs gravitate toward NPDs and codependents as partners.  I am not only codependent, but also an enabler.  

I first had empathy for H when I started piece together his past:  his uNPD F (who prefered his brother over him, "second best BPD syndrome") and enabler M; his marriage to a uNPD W who repeatedly cheated on him and eventually left to marry a lover and took the children from the marriage.  I began to suspect a lot of the mistreatment I receive from H is due to projected rage toward his X W and F.

Now that his children are all adults, it's clear they are all in the BPD or NPD spectrum:  expulsion from the military, drug addiction, homelessness, suicide attempts, promiscuity.

pwBPD sometimes see their own children as extensions of themselve as they lack boundaries.  As such, H idealizes them all, and by default, I get devalued by comparison.

He consults with one daughter, married with children, who lives across the country, on major purchases rather than with me.  He talks to or texts her at least one time each and every day.  I can tell when he has been in contact with one of his Ds because he is in an extraordinarily happy mood.  When he sees me, that is when Mr. Hyde comes out:  bullying, fault finding, divorce threats, things broken in rage, holes punched in walls.

H rarely sees his S, who is addicted to all manner of drugs and often homeless.  When S comes around, H treats him like a drinking buddy and takes the young man out for meals (without me) and they drink a lot of beer.  

H is totally enmeshed with his Ds, and they are like mistresses to him, vying for his money and attention.  H has confided our marital discord to his Ds (triangulation), and they have both called me to rage at me and demand I divorce their father for treating him so poorly.

H doles our thousands of dollars to his children.  H once set up S in an apartment, paid the rent, bought furniture, only to learn S vacated apartment, took the deposit, sold the furniture and was back on the streets with the money spent on drugs.

As many of us know, holidays are triggers for BPDs, and sure enough, H decided to sleep on the couch a mere day after Christmas, complaining of the bad mattress and discomfort, and likely doing this as a means of withholding affection from me and punishing me, a form of the silent treatment.  He is likely projecting his hurt over his FOO.  His only sibling, a B, is a drug addict and close to homeless; his SIL is likewise a drug addict and suffering a dual diagnosis from drug abuse and brain damage from drug abuse; SIL was taken off SSI for her refusal to take he medication and inability to stay off drugs.  H's only second degree relative is his N, who never contacts him.   H sent nice gifts to each of them and did not hear a word of thanks, nor any other contact.  H is hurt and angry over this.     Result, I get to be the punching bag for his FOOs misdeeds.

Yesterday, H was projecting his rage on me for my poor housekeeping.  I have a disability that prevents me from moving about, and suffering from depression to boot (who wouldn't in my place.)  H started saying what a great husband he was, going to work each day to support us (I have a nice retirement income, BTW) while I sit on my a$$.  I found out H keeps a lively conversation in texts with his adult Ds each and every day.  It's from them that he derives his validation and affection.  

In preparation for Christmas dinner and the arrival of his children, H was in a frenzy of cleaning the house.  I was depressed and did not feel like doing much, but I banged my head cleaning under a set of shelves.  I hurt like heck, and my scalp was bleeding profusely; I called out to H, who was on his computer.  I went into his office, and he simply looked up and said, "Put some ice on it."  I went to find an ice pack, but not before blotting the blood with paper towels, which I left, in haste, on the kitchen counter.  I had to sit down with the ice pack pressed on my head for several minutes.  Of course, in that time, I was not providing my H with work and was of no use to him.  

When the bleeding stopped, all H could do was complain about the bloody paper towels on the counter.  No... .empathy... .at... .all.  When my scalp was actively bleeding, keeping a clean counter was the last thing on my mind; locating the first aid ice pack was.  One time, years ago, his adult D tripped on concrete in the back yard and started to bawl like a two year old.  H ran to her side to soothe her, rubbing her leg and then ordering me to go to the drug store and buy her an elastic brace.  

So it's all about empathy, isn't it?  And I am running out of it.  It's hard to SET all the time when it slowly dawns on you that your spouse does not even have you on his radar.   Out of sight and out of mind.  I am getting tired of letting my H get a free pass for his cognitive distortions and dysregulations for his dysfunctional FOO and his first uNPD W cheating on him.

I came across this site called, "Must Be This Tall to Ride,"  and a series called, "An Open Letter to $hitty Husbands."  I came across an entry called Vol. 3, which advises, "Applying the Love for Your Children to Your Partner."  That would really go a long way in my marriage.  In my marriage, I am just an afterthought.  When he buys his children gifts or doles out money, his guilt kicks in (mostly from avoiding my anger) and he thinks, "Oh, yeah, gotta get something for the wife of she will be pi$$ed."

Books on DV advise recovering one's self esteem and I did that a few years back.  Now, more than not, I am a casual observer when my H dysregulates.  When H threatens to sleep on the couch, I let him.  In the past, I would cry and beg to "talk it over." Now I just let him.  In fact, sometimes I take his pillow out to the couch with blankets.  Ditto for the divorce threats.  Arguments escalate and then I hear H bellow, "It's over!" meaning he wants a divorce.  

My marriage is meaning less and less to me by degrees.  I said it before here, one day I might just wake up and say to my self, "Enough.  I want out," and file myself.  I have already found an attorney and know my rights.

Like having a wound from an injury or surgery, the pain is active and you are aware of it every day.  One day, it occurs to you the pain, that you have lived with for so long, is not longer there.

[Red5]

My marriage is meaning less and less to me by degrees.  I said it before here, one day I might just wake up and say to my self, "Enough.  I want out," and file myself.  I have already found an attorney and know my rights.

Hello AW,

I am very sorry for what you are currently experiencing... .the lack of empathy that our s/o’s often display towards us is not exactly “endearing” ... .I was listening to “Demars” the other day, and he was answering questions... .one eluded to the “death by a thousand cuts”... .saying’

I think for many of us here that this is part of our stories... .

Slowly, incrementally... .over time... .ie’ one cut at a time... .we may “reach a point”.

It happened to me.

Although even today, I still wade up to my waist in the swamp of “cognitive dissonance”... .

Hang in there AskingWhy, we are all out here listening and supporting you!

Kind Regards.

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I think the hardest part of being in a marriage to a partner with BPD is accepting that they are who they are, and this is who you get to live with.

That wonderful person you fell in love with at the beginning will never return, other than an occasional glimpse, but mostly they are gone for good. It’s hard to get over the anger about feeling deceived and then the grief and then the resentment and then the feeling foolish for having believed in the first place and ignoring the multitude of red flags at the earliest stage.

For me, as a logical thinker, rather than a “feeler”, I’ve done a mental spreadsheet about positives and negatives that accompany this relationship and it consistently has ended up showing me that I have more to gain by staying.

It’s certainly not the beautiful romantic fantasy that I thought I was signing up for, but it does has some great benefits. An outspoken acquaintance accused me once of being a “golddigger” and I suppose the accusation now fits. I like my comfortable life. The irony is when we first got together, I was the one who had money and I was madly in love with him.

[formflier]

For me, as a logical thinker, rather than a “feeler”, I’ve done a mental spreadsheet about positives and negatives that accompany this relationship and it consistently has ended up showing me that I have more to gain by staying.

I could have written this... word for word.

I can see how events (natural disaster) triggered my wife or that she "caught" BPD... or whatever.  So... now when I look on that period of my life I have lots more grief that I did before.

I used to think it was "just" a flood.  Now I understand that the core of how our marriage operated changed.  It certainly didn't change all at once.  My ignorance contributed greatly as I invalidated my wife for a few years.

Now that I know what to look for I can see "hints" in her and certainly they were all over her FOO... .I suppose I count myself lucky that I had so many good years.  Conflict would come up, but it would get solved... and stay solved by mutual agreement.  I miss that.

FF

[Notwendy]

In the early years of my marriage, I realized I was an afterthought to my H. He was mostly gone- at work, with his hobbies, and I was mostly alone with the kids. I cried a lot and begged him to spend more time with us, but he wasn't interested.

To cope, I thought of myself a single- not as available to date but as not with a partner or co-parent. Several of my friends got divorced and then the kids were split between two homes and often with a new step father or step mother. I couldn't stand the idea of another woman raising my kids. As it was, I was their mother and my H would see them when he decided to be around. We had no major "deal breakers" like infidelity or physical abuse. We seemed to get along as long as I didn't get emotional with him.

Although I was a romantic when we were first married, I too look at relationships pragmatically. It works in the sense that we each do our part for the family, but we don't have common interests or common friends. We can do some things together- like watch movies, TV, do things with the kids, but we've spent so much time apart- I've learned to find happiness with my work, time with the kids. It's not been easy but I think it would have been worse raising kids through a contentious divorce.

He is more generous at heart with the kids than he is with me. If they want something ( reasonable) he is right there for them financially. I keep in mind this BPD affects the most intimate of relationships. The issues are mostly between us. I am grateful that he wants to help the kids with college. I guess one difference is that, they are my own children so I don't feel he's neglecting my needs when he helps them. He wasn't around much when they were little but he's there for them now. That means a lot to me.

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, Red, Cat, FF and Notwendy.

I admit that I have a level of comfort with my H.  His BPD is the price I pay for that level of comfort.

Again, my ability to SET is wearing thin.

[Cat Familiar]

In addition to SET, what other tools have been beneficial for you?

[AskingWhy]

In addition to SET, what other tools have been beneficial for you?

I find not taking my H seriously works wonders.  When H threatens to leave me (divorce) or threatens to cancel a holiday dinner (with his adult children), I call his bluff.  Never in over 20 years of marriage has he carried through. 

In the past, I would plead and beg for hours to talk him out of a divorce (usually by apologising for whatever he said I did), or plead for him not to cancel the dinner or outing, again apologising for what I might have done.

Now he threatens, I basically said, "Do whatever you want to do.  I will be fine with it."  And, you know, I am at the point where I will be fine with a divorce or cancelled party. 

[Cat Familiar]

It's truly getting to a point of freedom when we can let them be however they want to be.

[WitzEndWife]

Us non-BPD partners often have co-dependent tendencies. I never liked to think of myself as co-dependent, because I've always been fine living on my own, but I have and do tend to seek a level of validation from my partner - which is, in fact, a co-dependency in itself. When my H withholds affection from me because I have done something "wrong" in his eyes, it definitely hurts more than it should. The most recent incident was when we were relaxing, watching YouTube shows, and I didn't want to watch something he wanted to watch. He berated me for "no longer being interested in him" and he switched off the projector and started collecting his things to go out by himself. I'm not proud, but I broke down crying, begging him to give me another chance, to just go back to watching things, and I'd watch whatever he wanted to watch. Why, I don't know. It was pathetic. He was cold as ice, saying how I didn't love him and that the only reason I kept him around was because I have gained weight and I didn't think I could get anyone else. I went into the downstairs bathroom and started sobbing. There was a time when he would have turned himself inside out to keep me from crying. That time is long gone. He left anyway, with me sobbing as if my heart would break. Of course, he came back soon after, but, ouch, ouch did that hurt.
My T likes to talk about expectations. They are at the root of our disappointment, and often at the root of our own dysfunction. If we expect our partner to act a certain way, and they don't, then we are upset, angry, and frustrated. You expected, on some level, that your H would have some empathy (or even sympathy) for you hurting yourself. But, because BPDs like having control, and they know they can control a partner who has certain expectations of them by letting them down, or not giving them too much, they are more likely to do that.
I wonder what would happen if you started living more independently from him. My T has me practicing living my life "as if" I were single - as in, doing what I want, breaking out of the sphere of control, avoiding thinking about what his reaction will be to me doing something I want to do. It's actually worked pretty well, overall, for me. My H is now actually getting out of the house and working, and being generally more independent himself. I wonder if doing so would push things either way for your H. Like, it could either push you apart or push you together, once he realizes you're thriving and not caring what he thinks about it. Is that something you would consider?
I hope your head feels better! Yikes!

[Notwendy]

I think the T's statement on expectations is an excellent point. There's a saying "don't go to the empty well to drink". I too would pursue my H when he with held affection from me in retaliation for somehow not meeting his expectations ( sometimes I had no clue what I did or didn't do ).  I had to realize that looking to him for the kind of emotional empathy and validation I was seeking didn't work- and it makes him uncomfortable.

He also reacts to things personally- if I am not interested in something on TV he wants to watch or do, then that means I'm not interested in him? This is about boundaries. We are not the same person. If I like vanilla ice cream and he likes chocolate, that isn't about him, but with poor boundaries, not liking chocolate ice cream becomes not liking him.

He'll also do something he doesn't want to do because I want to do it and then later resent it. I'd prefer he not do it at all if that is the case, but he sometimes feels obligated to do it "for me" as if we have to be the same, but no two people are the same.

We actually do live separate lives a lot of the time. That sounds scary but we are  more compatible when we do. I have my work, my friends, he has his hobbies, work ,friends. My H and I don't have hobbies in common as he likes to do them with his guy friends. I once said to the MC- I'm married in the sense that I'm not available to date,  but emotionally, I'm single. I have to think that way to not expect too much emotional connection from my H. Ironically- once I backed off - he is  more emotionally available. I think the push pull is in effect,  but I don't do this on purpose- it's genuine now. My H is as emotionally connected as is possible for him and I've accepted this is who he is.

[formflier]

I think the push pull is in effect,  but I don't do this on purpose- it's genuine now.

I do it on purpose.  Sometimes it feels "manipulative"... .but I try to go to my pragmatic self and "justify" that a calmer household is "worth it".

I've found that if I appear "somewhat reluctant" that it keeps my wife in a state of "light pull" and she is generally nicer and/or gets over her episodes much quicker (especially if I don't add fuel)

My "true self" would love to be much closer to my wife... .she's hot so it can be a bit odd to know that something is being offered, yet not "jump for joy" at it.

The push pull thing is one of those things that I realize works... .yet I still shake my head because it's so odd.

FF

[Notwendy]

Ironically, my H says he misses me pursuing him.  But my behavior was also co-dependent and I worked on that. He says he misses the way I was but I now see the issues being co-dependent caused. Still, as a young bride, I loved and trusted him without reservation. I didn't expect to be treated the way he treated me and the difficulties led me to do a lot of personal work. I'm more pragmatic now. It's odd- I was the one who was warm and emotional and he was cold and distant. He liked it that way but it was difficult on my part. Now, he says I am the one who is distant, but I think I have just adjusted to the distance he needs.

[Enabler]

He liked it that way but it was difficult on my part. Now, he says I am the one who is distant, but I think I have just adjusted to the distance he needs.

Like someone spinning around, the more they spin the more their arms go up and further away you have to stand to avoid being hit by a spinning arm... .the less he spins, the lower his arms, the closer it's safe to get... .

... .but then you never know when he's going to start spinning faster again so now even though he's slower you maintain safe distance.

[Notwendy]

That's an interesting analogy.

It's more like not going to the empty well to drink- and yet, accepting the good qualities my H brings to the family. He's as close to us as is possible for him. I would have liked to be closer on another level, but I don't think that's possible and it doesn't make sense to keep trying for something that isn't possible.

I think his own childhood was traumatic in a way, and he isn't able to fully access his feelings as a result. One has to be intimate with their own feelings before they can be intimate with someone else. He's not going to go there- with himself or anyone else.

[zachira]

My heart hurt for you when I read your story. I can't imagine how sad you feel being treated so badly for so long. At the same time, I admire your courage. I once lived with a man who was abusive, and I know very well how an abuser will do everything to chip away at your self esteem, make you feel helpless, and blame everything on you. You are on the road to having a better life, though it may not seem like that right now. You are learning everything you can about your husband's and his children's behaviors, owning your part in the relationship, learning and using tools that could make the interactions somewhat easier with your husband, and reaching out to us. I am wondering if there is any possibility of participating in a woman's  group or going to therapy, as ways to get some outside support. Do post here as much as you can, even when things are better than normal. It is often when things are going better, that we are able to make our best decisions about moving forward. We are here to listen and help at any time. Many of our members have been in situations similar to yours and are now leading happy lives. Do read the posts of other members, in addition to letting us know how you are. You are a kind and caring woman, and because of this, there is lots of hope for a better future.

[Vincenta]

Hi Asking Why,

how are things? How are you doing?

 

[AskingWhy]

Us non-BPD partners often have co-dependent tendencies. I never liked to think of myself as co-dependent, because I've always been fine living on my own, but I have and do tend to seek a level of validation from my partner - which is, in fact, a co-dependency in itself. When my H withholds affection from me because I have done something "wrong" in his eyes, it definitely hurts more than it should. The most recent incident was when we were relaxing, watching YouTube shows, and I didn't want to watch something he wanted to watch. He berated me for "no longer being interested in him" and he switched off the projector and started collecting his things to go out by himself. I'm not proud, but I broke down crying, begging him to give me another chance, to just go back to watching things, and I'd watch whatever he wanted to watch. Why, I don't know. It was pathetic. He was cold as ice, saying how I didn't love him and that the only reason I kept him around was because I have gained weight and I didn't think I could get anyone else. I went into the downstairs bathroom and started sobbing. There was a time when he would have turned himself inside out to keep me from crying. That time is long gone. He left anyway, with me sobbing as if my heart would break. Of course, he came back soon after, but, ouch, ouch did that hurt.
My T likes to talk about expectations. They are at the root of our disappointment, and often at the root of our own dysfunction. If we expect our partner to act a certain way, and they don't, then we are upset, angry, and frustrated. You expected, on some level, that your H would have some empathy (or even sympathy) for you hurting yourself. But, because BPDs like having control, and they know they can control a partner who has certain expectations of them by letting them down, or not giving them too much, they are more likely to do that.
I wonder what would happen if you started living more independently from him. My T has me practicing living my life "as if" I were single - as in, doing what I want, breaking out of the sphere of control, avoiding thinking about what his reaction will be to me doing something I want to do. It's actually worked pretty well, overall, for me. My H is now actually getting out of the house and working, and being generally more independent himself. I wonder if doing so would push things either way for your H. Like, it could either push you apart or push you together, once he realizes you're thriving and not caring what he thinks about it. Is that something you would consider?
I hope your head feels better! Yikes!

Thank you all for your comments.  And WEW, I feel like I am in your shoes!  My uBPD H withholds affection (usually in the form of the silent treatment and sleeping on the couch) when he is angry with me, or projecting his anger at his X W onto me.  I have also cried and begged when H threatened to divorce me, his weapon of choice.  I know the utterly sad and helpless feeling of having your heart held by a BPD spouse, and then having him throw it to the floor and stomp on it.  In the honeymoon days of our marriage, H would also do things to delight me.  As decades went by, and his children grew to adulthood, it became clear that I was no longer the love of his life, and his children took precedence.  He only married me as a companion and $ex partner while the children were young and living with their uNPD mother in another state.  As adults, they became his companions, best buddies (his son was a drinking buddy), and I was just an annoying person he was forced to live with.  (He called me an ugly hag no one would want.  In truth, I wear a dress size two sizes smaller than one of his Ds.)  

BPDs often mold themselves into whatever a partner wants to see during the initial love bomb days of courtship, then discard us after something else/someone else takes their attention.  In my case, it was my H's own children.  

And Vincenta, I am doing well.  He got mad at me and threatened to return some furniture we bought that is still in boxes.  I told him, "Do what you have to do," and left the ball in his court.

[Notwendy]

Projections are not always based on reality. Sadly, BPD involves the most intimate of relationships and your H seems to project his bad feelings on you while painting his children white. You could be a supermodel and he may still call you ugly in this situation. I hope you believe you are not.

I don't know what can be done about this distorted perception. It also happened in my FOO as I was my mother's black child. I was a pretty good kid, but she didn't perceive it that way. She preferred a sibling- the golden child- to me.

Parents love their children in a unique and strong way- different from a spouse. It shouldn't be an either or but your H's dysfunction makes it that way. Parents shouldn't display favoritism between children but my mother did. Dysfunctional people do that, and I don't know if we can change this. It makes sense that your H's children have issues, considering how they were raised- they can't help that, and this plays into the dynamics between them.

How can you take steps to take care of yourself in this situation? I know it is tough to be in this situation. In my case, it wasn't children but my H's work and hobbies that took priority for him. I felt like an afterthought, but I can't change his interests. I've pursued some of mine.