My wife was recently arrested for domestic violence

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife was recently arrested for domestic violence and there is a protection order in place which prohibits her from being in the same house as my daughter and I.   In a few weeks she will have to appear at her court date and the DA remarked (since we don't want to press charges) the judge will likely put her on probation for 18 months but the protection order will remain in effect for that full duration.

My counselor believes she is suffering from BPD (but has not been formally evaluated).  I am reading the book "Walking on Eggshells" and it talks about holding them accountable and not encouraging the BP rollercoaster by trying to appease her.  

A part of me wants to say "She is in dire need of help and I should be there for her" and the other part is saying "She should be responsible for her actions".

She currently is unemployed, so do I ask her to get a job and pay for all the costs associated with legal council, court fees, probation fees, counseling, living separately etc.?  Or, do I support her and pay for it out of our joint account?

If we pay for it out of our joint account, I feel as if I am being penalized, but on the other hand, being my wife, she is entitled to some of that as well.  

What is the right way to approach this?

How do I straddle the fence between holding her accountable and/or being supportive?

[Lost In Thought]

My wife was recently arrested for domestic violence and there is a protection order in place which prohibits her from being in the same house as my daughter and I.   In a few weeks she will have to appear at her court date and the DA remarked (since we don't want to press charges) the judge will likely put her on probation for 18 months but the protection order will remain in effect for that full duration.

My counselor believes she is suffering from BPD (but has not been formally evaluated).  I am reading the book "Walking on Eggshells" and it talks about holding them accountable and not encouraging the BP rollercoaster by trying to appease her.  

A part of me wants to say "She is in dire need of help and I should be there for her" and the other part is saying "She should be responsible for her actions".

She currently is unemployed, so do I ask her to get a job and pay for all the costs associated with legal council, court fees, probation fees, counseling, living separately etc.?  Or, do I support her and pay for it out of our joint account?

If we pay for it out of our joint account, I feel as if I am being penalized, but on the other hand, being my wife, she is entitled to some of that as well.  

What is the right way to approach this?

How do I straddle the fence between holding her accountable and/or being supportive?

[formflier]

I'm sorry you are in this messy family situation, yet I'm glad you have protection in place for your family.

Since I'm obviously brand new to your story... .I'll give some general advice and thoughts.

Stay away from dichotomous thinking... .that you can do one or the other.  The world is generally much more complex than "do A or B" and I would hope you would agree your wife's issues are complex.

Can't you do both?   Support and accountability.  Perhaps said better... .your support is "tied to " accountability.  Let your wife have a choice... .honor her choice either way.

If she embraces recovery from and accountability for her domestic violence issues, you will provide an appropriate level of support.  (I would suggest involving licensed mental health professionals to help you determine the best level of support)

If your wife pushes away from accountability and recovery, let natural consequences of those choices flow to you wife. 

Either way, I think you should provide help to the prosecutors to let the criminal justice system work.  If your wife "wants a break" or if you "think she deserves a break"... .let her embrace the various programs out there for DV and let the prosecutors and judges determine how well she is doing.    Wouldn't you think you are too close to the situation to be an accurate judge?

You've found a safe place to discuss these things... hang in there.  I'll be back later to check for your response.

FF

[Lost In Thought]

FF,

First of all, just want to say thank you for replying to my post.   I think it is great that you are so active on this board.   I know it must be time consuming and challenging at times, but (for me anyway) it is greatly appreciated.

Ok, I like what you are saying and I agree that I need to watch myself with that kind of thinking.   

However, one of the things I am reading in the book is that you cannot force the BP to get counseling they have to want to get help; by saying "Get help or no support" isn't that a way of coercing her/giving her an ultimatum?   

My counselor explained that BPs intrinsically have a hard time wanting to go into counseling for the very reason they are BP, so if she doesn't go get some kind of help, aren't I back in the same situation?

What then does removing support mean?

I find it extremely difficult to know how to help her identify that she should seek help; where it is her choice and not mine.

[formflier]

I find it extremely difficult to know how to help her identify that she should seek help; where it is her choice and not mine.

Thanks for your kind words.  Working through things on this board helps me reinforce and understand the values I apply to my own relationships.

Such as... .I don't control my wife.  If she chooses not to do something in alignment with my values or our prior agreements... .it's ultimately not my place to fix it or save my wife from her own choices.

That leaves me (and you) being sad over the choices of people we can't control.

Our best efforts are to encourage them to do positive behavior by reinforcing that good behavior and NOT enabling bad behavior.

My suggestion is that if your wife seeks help... complies with help... .embraces her role in this.  Then support her... .financially and otherwise.

Very important that your support comes 2nd... .her action comes first.

FF

[Lost In Thought]

FF,

Very important that your support comes 2nd... .her action comes first.

I will keep this in mind.    I don't feel like I know any better what to do, but it gives me a way to think about how to approach things.  Thank you.   

Best to you and your wife.

[formflier]

However, one of the things I am reading in the book is that you cannot force the BP to get counseling they have to want to get help; by saying "Get help or no support" isn't that a way of coercing her/giving her an ultimatum?   
 

Looking back over this thread... .I didn't want you to think I was dodging this question.

As a general rule... ultimatums are bad... .

However, most of the times people issue ultimatums and then backtrack.  That teaches your pwBPD that "resisting" gets them something.  So... next ultimatum... they will... (you guessed it) resist, because there is a payoff.

If you really aren't going to have much of a relationship with your wife unless she embraces and deals with DV... .then I don't see  a downside to an ultimatum.  She needs to know her choices.  It's not your job to give her choices that she likes.  Especially if those choices flow naturally from her actions.

She does DV... .unpleasant things happen in her life.

She seeks treatment and complies with treatment... .relatively more pleasant things happen in her life.

How you deliver the ultimatum matters.  You want to give her the best chance to "hear" it possible. 

In the end... .it's a best "chance".  Sadly these boards are full of stories where pwBPD seem to believe they are entitled to hurt others and suffer no consequences.  If your wife chooses to be in that category... .we'll support you since that will undoubtedly be hard to accept.

Can you tell us more about the story?  Your wife's history of DV? 

You know her best.  Do you think she realizes she has done something wrong?

   

FF