The BPD anger cycle...sound familiar?

[Mirsa]

I posted this on a different thread earlier in the week and then lived it a few days later.  So, I edited this a bit to remove examples that were relevant to another poster's story, but thought it might be interesting for us to share an example of this anger cycle.  Do you have a story that fits it?  I put the steps my BPD DD uses on the top and then below is the example of how it played out this week.

"... .I've observed a clear pattern in my ex's and BPD DD's lives:  they always have to have an enemy to be angry at.  I suspect they are anger addicts, and that they simply need a target at which to direct their rage.     They create this by:  
--taking action that forces you to respond and set boundaries
--telling you how awful your response was
--act completely outraged by your actions/inactions
--play the victim, bc clearly YOU are the problem
--deny all responsibility
--carry on with this rage at being treated so poorly, and by now, she really believes it
--re-tell the narrative to anyone and everyone who will listen, interpret their stunned silence as validation, and after many re-tellings, come to firmly believe that it is actually true.
--be sure to let you know that "everyone" agrees that you are a horrible person who has treated her so unfairly."

Here is my scenario from a couple of days ago:  My 17yo BPD DD posted 3 photos of herself on social media, one of which was borderline pornographic and exposed herself as partially nude.  Despite MANY prior discussions about not doing this, she did it... .AGAIN.  So, I texted her, sent the photo to her father (with whom she now resides) and asked him to speak with her (again) about the impact on her.  And btw, it's also super-embarrassing for her sister and I and her father, who is a high school sports coach in the area!  She never seems to care about her impact on others.  So, not long after I reach out to her, I get a text from her, telling me to "not contact me for a very long time."  And then, today, she posts on social media about how she was forced to take down a photo of her beautiful body, because "the other half of my family" "can't appreciate the beauty of a woman's body and this beautiful vessel that we live in."  She goes on for a bit more, but basically acts horrified and elicits sympathy, as though she's been body shamed in some way, with zero recognition of how sexualized the content and position of the photo was. 

Wow... .unbelievable.  So, she followed just about all of the steps above and confirms yet again that she is never wrong, has no empathy for others, and cannot experience remorse.   (And yes, I checked the photo with a few friends, who when they looked at, just looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry for you.")   I just want to add that it's really hard to have a real relationship with someone who is emotionally stunted like this.  She just doesn't get it and never will.   Having a conversation with someone who has such muddled thinking is like trying to have a debate with someone who is drunk.  Just impossible.

If anyone knows what this cycle is called by psychologists, please share.  I'd love to hear your versions of how this has played out recently for you.  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Manifest32f]

Hi Mirsa:
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the unfair anger issues meted at us from our uBPDds. My D has to find someone (usually her unconditionally loving parents) to focus her anger on and today was again a hell for me. Although I mistook that the frequency has somewhat reduced, the intensity is same or increased. I don’t know which is better. She has a habit of inviting people home (& then saying ‘I hope you don’t mind’ or ‘I told them you would be happy to meet them’, etc.), & she informed me that she had told her friends (an elderly couple) that we should all meet before they went on a trip in a couple of weeks. She knows that we are preparing to leave to visit family soon and I have hundred things to do before we leave and I don’t really want to socialize at this time. So I told my D that we were able to find tickets for an earlier date (we discussed it before she went out this morning) and that I will discuss it with her tomorrow. Immediately she went into one of her raging spells, screaming at me, asking why I had to bring up something like that to disturb her peace when she was so exhausted and needed to get to sleep; that she would not be able to sleep for hours now and I better stay up all that time and more so I lose my sleep, ... .I know it’s because she is terrified of being on her own, her insecurity and abandonment issues coming to the top and I apologized for disturbing her peace. I don’t want her to keep inviting people who I have not much interest in meeting and she keeps thrusting us with what she considers as being so generous on her part because she is actually afraid that I don’t really enjoy staying and catering to her demands.
The past week was very bad for us because my BIL & my own brother, both in mid-80’s, have not been doing well and my H & I want to go see them asap and stay away for a couple of months so my D lives on her own and learns how to juggle everything. We are in our 70’s & don’t have any strength to carry on this life for long. I really want some way out.
Thanks for letting me vent. Love you all.