NEED HELP AND ADVICE FOR DAUGHTER WITH BPD

[Nicky67]

Hi I am new to this site & need help & advice for myself. My 23yr old daughter has BPD &
my life has been a living hell the past 2 yrs. I been in counseling an attend NAMI which helps me understand the mental illness but when a Crisis arises I am at a loss on what to do.  My daughter started with anxiety after my div when she was 13. My x husband had severe Anxiety all his life. They are close but he recently moved to Fl. No other conditions on either side. When she started her 1st adult relationship with a male she started having episodes of lashing out an physical behavior. Through her counseling she learned that she has Ptsd from the verbal abuse she witnessed while growing up. Her bf is kind of like her father an it triggers her anxiety an panic attacks. She takes her meds faithfully which is Lexapro,lamotrigine and clozapam and medical marj. & goes to her Phychiatrist regularly. When a crisis arises and her condition takes over she has no control of her thoughts, emotions etc. She will threaten suicide, scream and punch things. She cut herself 2x in the past while in an episode. I went through so many incidents and crisises I got her through I cant even count. Brought her to the hospital many times but as soon as the crisis passes she's completely fine. Lately these incidents have been more frequent and they have been getting increasing worse and she is starting to throw things at me an getting ready to go after me. She lives with me, her house is her sanctuary. She is currently in Outpatient attending a DBT treatment program specifically for BPD through our local hospital. They are teaching her the skills to use and she is using some of them like leaving a situation etc before it esculates,coping skills  etc but things are still turning bad. I work full time an have a great job,life an support system. I have not taking care of myself in over 2 years I am 51yrs old. I am all she has and I feel like I am in a marriage I cant get out of or a hostage in her life. My whole life is consumed by hers and she is only able work part time I support her too. IT has taking a mental,emotional,physical toll on me. I need help in regards to when in  crisis if I say I am going to call 911 while I am on the phone with her while I am working, she will threaten to kill herself if I call someone. So I don't call. I help her through till it passes. How do you call 911 without making it esculate worse? What does everyone else do in these situations?  After a crisis shes back to her normal life an I cant stop crying an I now have ptsd from the incidents and I have alot of anxiety also. This is a big problem I am having and cant seem to come to grips if I call an something happens to her. I am hoping to hear from other parents who are going through the same thing. Any help & advice and to know I am not alone is greatly appreciated.  Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Nicky67

Welcome to bpdfamily  I'm glad you've joined us for support though very sorry what brings you here, there are parents here in similar situations, you are not alone in this.   It's no wonder this it taking mental and physical toil on you and you feel hostage, you've been through so much! I'm concerned for your personal safety you say the episodes are increasing worse and she is starting to throw things at you and getting ready to go after you. In such a situation when you don't feel safe do you think it best to leave the home, let your daughter know you'll step out to the front of your home?  I did deal with a number of episodes where my DD melted down I called the local crisis team from the hospital when my DD was on the waiting list for DBT (I'm in the UK) and they came and visited home a number of times over a period of a week or so and then she would go visit them if she needed support.  This was before she joined DBT, When she had access to her DBT therapist she'd call him and he'd bring her down, remind her of the skills she was learning, stay on the phone till it passed. It's important they have someone apart from us to reach out to when in crisis, that way they become responsible to call when they feel it coming on. I know you know this, sometimes it helps to hear it from others. Your DD will rely on you to help her through the episodes as long as you allow her to. How long has your DD been attending DBT? One of the things that my DD learnt through meeting with her DBT therapist that she wanted to live, yes she does have suicidal thoughts, she now manages them through the skills she's learnt. Do you have a local crisis team that can respond, or her DBT therapist?

So glad you're here with us Nicky67, we've got you 

WDx

[Mirsa]

Hi Nicky67,

so terribly sorry to hear about this and I can 100% totally relate.  My daughter made my life hell for three years and I didn't realize how much it was impacting me until she moved out.  The relief is profound.  I'm still getting over it.  I agree... .PTSD is an apt description of how it feels to always be living in a state of hyper-alert, ready to respond to the next crisis and never knowing when it will happen.  Then, she is all better and I am still recuperating and exhausted.

I have no easy answers for you, and I'm not sure there are any.  I think I got lucky and she moved out to live with her father when I said she couldn't have an older man in her bedroom.  So, I am enjoying the peace and quiet, no doubt about it.  I have sad days, like today.  But I come here, read people's stories, and realize that I'm doing better than I was doing a year ago, so I need to be grateful for and enjoy the peace.   The turnaround in my life was unexpected and sudden.  Maybe you will get lucky too.

If not, I would say that perhaps some spirituality and a support group or connecting with a Higher Power might be helpful.  Mantras helped me through some of the toughest times, one of which was "my children have their own journey."  This one absolved me of the task of being all things to them at all times.  They have their own Higher Power as well, and their own destiny.  I can help, but it is their path to live, just as I have mine.

Namaste.

[Nicky67]

Hi WK,
Thank you for replying. I understand what you are saying to run outside. She would follow me out and it will just continue outside and escalate. I have stopped a year ago leaving my job when a crisis arose and try to stick to those boundaries for myself however this was on a weekend when yesterdays episode happened. We just learned about her diagnosis a couple months ago and are still both learning about it. She has been in the BPD Outpatient support groups for a month only. They are using the DBT therapy. Learning coping skills and her counselor said she is doing very well. They have a lot of homework they make them do filling out daily assessment cards. They meet 2x a week. We have a 211 Crisis line to call her counselor is suppose to give her all the info on the other resources to use. We are in the U.S. there is snow coming so her Tues group will be cancelled I'm hoping shell receive it Thurs. Her dad lives in Florida, 1k miles away she has nowhere else to live. I can honestly use a much needed break! Thanks for your help & advice.

[Nicky67]

Mirsa,
Thank you so much for responding. I which my daughter did have somewhere else
to stay but unfortunately she doesn't. Her father moved out of state far away from
where we live in the U.S. Luckily I am a very spiritual person. I say my prayers an novenas and try to have a lot of hope & faith! I have  wonderful friends & family, my parents live upstairs and help me in a lot of ways. I have a counselor and also attend NAMI which is
a national support group I attend. It helps me a lot its exactly like this forum but in person. I will have to learn more about Mantras. I am open to anything that can help me feel better. Thanks for your support!