Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good...

[Cat Familiar]

This phrase was originally attributed to Voltaire: "The best is the enemy of the good."

How might it fit with your life, your relationship/s?

Though my BPD mother was not a perfectionist, my glamorous aunt was. Everything she created, whether it was her interior decorating style, her cooking, her sewing, her appearance, her art, looked like it was photoshoot-ready. I wanted to be just like her.

Unfortunately that led to trying to be "perfect" and since that's impossible, I always fell short. By that standard, my romantic partners fell short. Everything seemed to have flaws.

Now I'm friends with "the good" both in relationships and in the self-evaluation of my efforts. I appreciate who people are, I don't harshly judge my own efforts. I can clean my house without trying to make it "perfect"--which never lasted more than a few minutes anyway.

Mull over this phrase and see how it might be applicable to your life.

[Ozzie101]

Very insightful topic, Cat!

I've always been a perfectionist -- not so much in relationships or in how I see others, but in myself. I can easily accept a less-than-stellar result from someone else, but if I stumble, I can beat myself up over it for years.

It's something I've gotten better about.

However, you've gotten me thinking and I really think that that perfectionism was my enemy when it came to my relationship with H. I'm quick to accept responsibility (and blame) for anything that goes wrong. When H would get angry and frustrated and would hurl accusations at me, pointing out all my failures, demanding that I make lists of every way I'd failed him, telling me "This is all your fault" in a way it seemed so natural to accept that. Isn't that what I do to myself?

I'm starting to see the light there now, finally. Yet it's hard to undo so many years of programming. When he accuses me of something or blames me for something, if there's even the tiniest grain of truth in it, I struggle with the guilt and have to fight the urge to beat myself up for not being perfect.

In that, whatever is good gets lost.

[Notwendy]

Perfectionism can cause all kinds of issues. My H is a perfectionist and while I can be type A in certain situations like my job, I know that striving for perfect isn't the most emotionally healthy thing to do. For one, it creates shame- for not being perfect and fosters black and white thinking. If one is not perfect, then one is flawed. With perfectionism one doesn't make mistakes, but all humans make mistakes.

My BPD mother has her house spotless. She doesn't clean it- she has help, but another reason it is spotless is that you don't dare touch anything as if you get any mess, you have ruined it. I don't dare cook in her kitchen because if I make a mess- even if I clean it, I may not make it perfect again. My mother is dressed impeccably all the time- hair, makeup, nails, stockings, purse to match her shoes.


My house isn't perfect. It isn't dirty either, I do keep it clean but it isn't perfect. It gets messy. I don't care. It isn't worth it to try to be perfect. At work though, I strive to do the best job possible. I think we have to gauge when it is appropriate to aim for the best, and when it is OK to let things go. I''ll dress up if I need to, but I still prefer jeans to dresses.

[formflier]

I like the book "Good to great".  More specifically I like the "hedgehog theory" in the book.

(it's been a bit since I've read it... so this is a very general explanation.)

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Great-Some-Companies-Others-ebook/dp/B0058DRUV6


The gist of this is that you need to pick a few things that are critical to your life (company) and do them really, really well (almost perfectionist) and then clearly identify the rest of the things that you "occasionally" do and realize that "good enough" is (you guessed it) good enough.

Sort of a variation on keeping the main thing the main thing.

The "hedgehog" part of it says that if you keep putting more energy and momentum into those few things that really matter, you, your company, your family will continue to get better and better... .and the nice thing about momentum is it will keep going for those momentary times when you don't have energy to add.

Boy... .I hope that made sense.

FF

[AskingWhy]

Cat, this is a good phrase.

My uBPD H is a perfectionists in many ways.  I think it has a lot to do with control.  He could not control his dysfunctional FOO (uNPD F and enabler M), and he could not control his first W's adultery and leaving him for another man and taking his children with her.  (He did not fight for custody out of fear of losing his children, and did not see legal counsel; I know it does not make sense.)

I can tell when H's perfectionism is getting the best of him:  he cleans the house.  Then he points a finger at me to tell me what a lousy housekeeper I am, says how lazy I am (actually, I'm depressed), and threatens to divorce me when he retires in five years.  (I have a medical disability that often prevents me from moving about, and H's lack of empathy causes him to forget it.)  Gee, I guess that gives me five years to research a really good family law attorney to make sure he really gets fleeced!  (We have been married for 20 years.)

Every potted plant and bric a brac has to be at right angles to the desk and tables, and this is the way H attempts to gain control.  It's really laughable now that I know it for what it is.    His uNPD F is still alive, and it's only a matter of time before FIL starts asking for money.

So, in light of the quote, perfectionism to the extreme is a bit silly.  Things in human nature are rarely perfect.  Maybe it's good his X got custody of the children.  Three young children all under the age of 5 can turn a house upside down.

[formflier]

Also need to thoughtfully examine the "reason" for the perfectionism.

What is the result if X is perfect?

What is the result if X is pretty good?

If there is not a big difference, then perhaps the perfectionism is likely about control.

If there is a big... rational payoff then perhaps perfectionism is something to shoot for.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I tend to lean towards the perfectionist side in a lot of areas. Some are about control, some are linked to fundamental beliefs about how my value is determined, and some are because I believe there is a benefit or payoff for perfection.

I like to have things clean and organized. It lowers my stress and anxiety. I have an especially hard time at work when the restaurant gets busy and things start getting messy. My stress level shoots up and I will start trying to clean as I go because I absolutely hate working in a messy space. I feel the need to put external things in order as a form of controlling internal forces.

I also learned from an early age that I had "potential" and I was "smart." I felt pressure to live up to that... .I was capable of being the "best", so anything less was unacceptable. If I didn't do something right, I would hear "Redeemed, you're smarter than that, you know better."

This repeated itself in my relationship with uBPDh. If I couldn't read his mind, or if he felt a certain emotion and was attempting to blame me for causing it, he would tell me "you're smarter than that, I know you're not that stupid, so you're doing it on purpose."

That just further drove home my belief that my value is determined by performance, in everything. It's a lie that I am retraining myself to deny instead of accept.

Sometimes, though, striving for perfection is OK (if I reel in the cray-cray and not feel worthless when I don't always hit the mark) if getting as close to perfection as possible has benefits. Schoolwork: I want my assignments to be perfect. I try for perfect grades. I haven't gotten exactly perfect grades so far, but I am close, and that will allow me to graduate with honors which looks great on a résumé.

The older I get, though, the more I realize that there is a balance between stressing about perfection and completely not caring at all. Sometimes I slide higher or lower on the scale depending on what I am trying to accomplish, but the main thing is that I am better able to prioritize and conserve energy than I used to be.

I am able to prioritize my time with s3. Sometimes watching TV together and snuggling or playing a game is much more important than making sure all the toys are organized and every room in the house is in order.

Will s3 remember if the dishes stayed in the dishwasher for two days after I washed them? No.

Will he remember that mommy played with him and took time to do things with him? Probably.

That's good enough for me.

Redeemed

[Caco Canepa]

Interesting topic, Cat Familiar. It got me thinking about how power dynamics shifted during my relationship/marriage to my uBPD. So many times I wondered whether my "perfectionism" about money created our later relationship problems, and that filled me with guilt. (Clearly it didn't, but it did give my BPD a hook with which to invalidate my feelings and pin blame on me)

Before the relationship, I'd had years of autonomy and mostly living alone. I prided myself in my ability to save money, and still be able to travel and enjoy certain things in life. I suppose that was my own sort of perfectionism — the way I handled money gave me a sense of comfort and safety. I think I was thrifty without being a tightwad.  Controlled my impulses to make certain purchases, in order to be able to invest, travel, do things that were my priority.

When the relationship started, before moving in together I felt we were great co-adventurers, and we truly enjoyed each others' company. The sex was fun, the trips and biking and hiking and camping gave me the sense that this was THE person I could spend the rest of my life with. (There were some early inklings of BPD behavior, but they didn't really register with me because ... .wow, great sex and fun adventures)

Upon moving in together, it became clear that I was going to have to do more of the financial heavy lifting. She didn't earn as much. I wound up buying some big-ticket items in terms of furniture that I normally wouldn't have, but I chalked these up as one-time investments. Then she'd borrow my credit card for groceries, and I balked when she started coming home with bigger grocery bills than I was accustomed to. She balked at my balking, and began pushing my financial boundaries. I pushed back strongly, thought I was compromising sufficiently.

Getting engaged: I bought a ring for $300, thinking it sensible to save. She was happy for the first couple of days, then upon asking how much I'd paid, became unhappy with it. Struggle until I finally agreed to buy her a $2400 ring. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I thought maybe I needed to learn to compromise. Later on, when the relationship was really bad, I wondered whether my money tightness about the ring was a factor in why our love died, and felt guilty about it.

Getting married: The wedding went way over-budget from what I was comfortable spending, even with subsidies from her family. I tried to rein back costs, but by this point, it got to where she would push back strongly by dysregulating and going straight into rage, and I would cave in. By this point, I really started getting the sensation of walking on eggshells, but I didn't have a name for it. She maintained that I had ruined our Big Day by being so cheap, and I came to believe it. And made efforts to make it up to her somehow.

Joining finances: I wanted to maintain separate finances. She said that people who truly love each other don't let money get in the way. I acquiesced, and then found myself struggling to control our monthly expenses, which skyrocketed as she made purchases and monthly subscriptions to online services that I would have avoided before.

House renovation: I thought this would make her happy. I took a hail mary, gave her what she wanted, but she was still unhappy afterwards and BPD behavior got worse.
Honeymoon trip to Italy: See above
Baby: Ditto

For the longest time, I thought that my attempts to control our finances had caused the souring of our relationship.I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt —  That maybe my money perfectionism was insulting to her and to her good intentions for our future and life together. So I felt guilty about having tried to stand my ground — that maybe we'd had a really good thing, and that I'd ruined it by trying to control the money too much.  That was a poor perception that I think kept me in the relationship for much longer than I should have been. Or kept me from addressing her violations of my boundaries.

Does that make sense in the context of this post?  Thanks again for bringing it up!

[formflier]

Caco Canepa

Random question... .did you ever wonder if it was wise to reveal the cost of the ring?

I never did.  Granted... .I was never asked.

Interesting thread... keep it up.

FF

[believer55]

Hi Cat

Thanks for the chance to ponder 

I think it very important to allow ourselves and others in our life to be less than perfect. I would be most happy with good and I am certainly trying to be happy with myself for "doing my best" or sometimes "doing no harm" especially in difficult situations.

I don't know about pwBPD but my H has very high expectations on how others should behave (especially me) and if we fall short of that he has a lot of trouble dealing with it and the "painting black" begins. I know he will never completely conquer the BPD demons, but I have told myself as long as I can see him trying I will try to stay off his back and try to be happy with the good. Unfortunately he seems to not be trying anymore and that is presenting me with conflicted emotions.

I will try to do my best to look after me and not be perfect.

Thanks again.

[Cat Familiar]

Great replies! Very insightful 

We don’t want to beat ourselves up for not “being perfect” and where did we get the idea that was even possible?

For some things, good enough is just fine, like keeping the kitchen reasonably clean, but knowing it will get untidy every time we cook.

It’s imperative to figure out which things are important to strive for excellence while other things can be relegated to the good enough category, or we wear ourselves out by not prioritizing.

Having order can lower our anxiety, while too much desire for perfection can impair our self esteem through judging ourselves against an impossible standard.

Clinging to our criteria for high standards can inadvertently backfire when others feel slighted by our behavior.

When we or others judge people by an impossibly high standard, feelings can be hurt and relationships damaged.

Great wisdom in these posts. Let’s hear more!

[formflier]

   important to strive for excellence 

A very important part of this to remember... .that I think gets lost in the black and white thinking of pwBPD.

I see "perfectionism" as a good thing that basically says you are always "striving" to be better... .evaluating lessons learned and at least taking a step in the right direction (better direction) so that our next (whatever it is) is hopefully better than the one before.

I think "we"... .the "nons" generally get it that striving for perfection is different that "being perfect".

I'm struggling to find a way that "perfectionism" can be helpful with a pwBPD because they likely will realize they are not perfect... .and then shame and blame will start creeping in.  Start the deal spiral of BPDish thinking...

Thoughts?

FF

[Caco Canepa]

Formflier —

Regarding the cost of the ring: Well, she asked, and I wanted to be honest.

Wondering now whether her asking should have been a sign to run then! LOL.

[formflier]

Formflier —

Regarding the cost of the ring: Well, she asked, and I wanted to be honest.

Wondering now whether her asking should have been a sign to run then! LOL.

You can still be honest and not say.  Honesty doesn't mean you have to divulge information.  pwBPD will certainly try to get you to think that it's "dishonest" not to say... but don't buy into it.

"Oh babe... it's priceless... .!"  leave it at that...

FF

[Enabler]

Morning everybody peeps,

So I have been known by my friends as Mr OCD for many years now, I like to tidy. So in that respects I’m regarded as a perfectionist by some... .anyway, I’m my journey of personal discovery I decided to take note of my senses as and when I felt the overwhelming desire to tidy to establish why I do it. My findings have been, when I feel anxious about what is going on around me which could be a result of emotional or physical chaos, I try and order it. I’m not hygienic, I just make piles, charm up bits from the floor, place cushions in the correct place on the sofa and generally put things back where they belong. I find being tidy and things orderly fits my mind or more precisely it calms my mind knowing things are tidy. I feel uncomfortable in chaos, and that’s not just in my own home, I hate going to chaotic houses. When my W causes me emotional pain... .I tidy my environment, I feel physically and uncontrollably compelled to order stuff... .at least I can get that orderly hey!

So on the one hand I might appear like a perfectionist (although my neatness is just that) but when it comes down to actual practical tasks I’m definitely your 80/20 guy. I look for low hanging fruit initially and generally pick off optically big gains which require minimal effort first, then I really struggle with the detail finishing bit especially if I’ve got something to the point of working and thus “fixed”. Weirdly though I can persevere through really really long arduous tasks, take on huge projects which take forever and then not get round to doing the final coat of paint for 6 months.

My W is a perfectionist and we kinda clash on that. She will scrutinise things I have done being annoyongly picky which sometimes I find a bit insulting. To her things aren’t right... .unless the entire thing is perfect... .to which I think “get some perspective here luv!” On things she does she’s obviously a perfectionist as well. This results in her not starting things because she doesn’t think she can do a perfect job or getting very stressed about things because they’re not perfect. She will typically then rope in someone else or me to help or advise her and then blow up because I try and do “good enough”. I’ve learnt to back up when I can feel her anxiety about my slap dash nature crack up. We don’t work at all well together... .we could, if we could just realise each other’s benefits... .but we have never quite acknowledged that our individual need for perfection benefit different ends of the project.

Incidentally her mother in a perfectionist and her father is by proxy as he tries to avoid having his ear chewed off if things aren’t exactly as MIL demands.

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

Striving to be our best selves is different than perfectionism. That striving is different than “being perfect” as pwBPD conceive it, in black and white terms.

Like you, Enabler, I like order. I often say that others can discern my state of mind by observing the interior of my house. If there’s piles of paper sitting on the dining table, my mind is cluttered as well, and I feel rather unsettled.

I grew up in a rather chaotic house with a BPD mother whose sense of order was random. Even as a young child, I would straighten linen cupboards and organize the kitchen, but sadly the chaos would immediately return.

I need to know where everything is and it gives me great satisfaction organizing my tools in the basement or my clothes in the closet by color.

What I’ve needed to let go of is this sense that I must take care of everything so that it’s “perfect”. Today I was cleaning a shovel and a rock bar that were used for digging a hole. In the past, I would have scrubbed off every bit of dirt before putting them away. This time I cleaned them so they wouldn’t leave dirt on the floor, but didn’t get every single speck of dirt.

I had to laugh at myself for wanting to make them look as if they were new, and knowing that soon I would be using them again. It’s allowing my internal “Martha Stewart” to relax and not be so uptight.

[Notwendy]

Some of you orderly people- please come to my house and help. I like some sense of order, but my house is "clean messy" and I'd like it to be more orderly.  I think it's my own reaction to growing up with a BPD mother who leaned in the other direction and we were all afraid to leave anything out of place because it would trigger her

[GaGrl]

Some of you orderly people- please come to my house and help. I like some sense of order, but my house is "clean messy" and I'd like it to be more orderly.  I think it's my own reaction to growing up with a BPD mother who leaned in the other direction and we were all afraid to leave anything out of place because it would trigger her

I find myself tidying when I'm stressed, when most of the time I'm clean/messy.

There is some interesting info on MBTI types and reactions to stress. I am ENFP, and that type responds to stress by going opposite to type and focusing on details. It provides a sense of control. I used to find myself making checklists and getting way too involved in project plans and tasks - the awareness of that tendency allowed me to pull back and operate at a strategic level (which was my job).

My DH is an INTJ - that type reacts to stress by holding it inside, with stomach/digestive problems occurring.

[Cat Familiar]

Interesting point you make, Gagrl about the different MeyersBriggs types and their response to stress. I’m an INTJ and I get really lethargic when stressed. When I start cleaning and organizing, that’s when I know I’m out of the woods and my energy has returned.

Notwendy, it would be fun to trade labor—organizing for cleaning. We all have our strengths. 

[formflier]

Some of you orderly people- please come to my house and help. I like some sense of order, but my house is "clean messy" and I'd like it to be more orderly.  I think it's my own reaction to growing up with a BPD mother who leaned in the other direction and we were all afraid to leave anything out of place because it would trigger her

When my wife is stressed/unhappy (like about 10 minutes ago)... she will low level rant about how "people" mess things up... .are lazy and won't put things back... .how can they think this is the right place for (fill in the blank)" and the proceed to reorganize things in the kitchen, fridge and or kitchen cabinets... .very loudly.

So... cups banging together, cabinet doors slamming... .things be tossed in the sink.

The odd thing is... it is usually incomplete.  Apparently she stops when the feeling passes... vice when a job is complete. 

Old FF would try to engage or somehow think training/encouraging kids to organize better would help this.  The newer more pragmatic FF believes this helps soothe my wife... .and does other things as this runs it's course.

Total time of upset in the house is generally lower if the "organizing fit" isn't engaged.

FF

[Enabler]

There’s a lot to be said for “good enough”, and sometimes good enough is very clean and tidy.

I have one front door key, one shed key... .it’s the same front door key and shed key I have had since we moved in. When I come in, it either stays in my work bag front pocket, or goes in a basket on the side of the kitchen work top... .it ONLY goes in one of these 2 places.

Consequently I have the same keys, never lost any of them and always know within 2 tries where they are.

W has roared through 3 front door keys and 3 shed keys... .vapourised.

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

Definitely the black and white thinking isn't strictly limited to pwBPD, many of us nons have a version of it as well. Interesting how organizing can be a stress reliever for both groups.

Those rituals of putting things away immediately after use can alleviate a lot of anxiety and time spent searching for missing items.

It really bugs me when my tools aren't in their usual places when I need them.