The next wave of splitting

[snowglobe]

To those that follow my sage, it’s been just over two weeks since unpdh stopped emotional abuse, or emotional genoside as I call it. Nothing was off limits and I was barely holding on with the tips of my fingernails.
Once he plot back, although not fully, things became a little more tolerable. He is profoundly and perpetually depressed and makes things worst for himself. For. Unpd who cares about his looks and weight he has been eating a small elephant daily, commenting that he wants to get fat, disgusting and die a slow and painful death (not sure how he plans to do it, through obesity). Sticking to what folks taught me on board I comply control my behaviour (buying and cooking only healthy meals daily, no processed food he can balloon on). He had gained some weight, constantly stands and artificially inflates his stomach to demonstrate to me: “ look how fat I’ve gotten, it will only get worse”. Actually, the theme of “its only going to get worse is very common for the past two months. I needed to prepare for university test, with my mother who was dystregulated as a result of uBPDh I made a decision to go to “work” with him last week to catch up on the material. I did. We also started making plans for New Years and winter holiday with kids, his birthday which is coming up. The whole “new slate” came crushing when he found out that my mother slammed his extremely expensive vehicle that he always “leaves home”, and caused a significant damage. To further illustrate the repair that needs to be done is a cost of a modest new car. He doesn’t want to go through insurance, as he was trying to get out of lease with this car. He says he will pay for the damages, as “your mother was driving your! Kids”. On one hand it’s very galant and honourable thing to do, which everyone would think. Once the doors are shut he is calling me every name possible, yelling and abusing me emotionally, saying that there won’t be any vacation for me and the children for the next two years. He is punishing me.
Last night we had to go for dinner with his semi business investor, he was downright miserable and acted like a 4 yo, making inappropriate remarks, people looked buffled. While getting ready he was completely disassociated, drawing an unseeing look, his hair all messed up, I had to help him with buttons and do his hair, he looked very deshivered. At the table he expressed that he is depressed because he lost xyz amount, (not true as he didn’t sell his stock, yes, it went down 4 times) and that he plans to make everyone around miserable, including me and the children. This statement just hung in the air. As I walked away from the table, a man followed me and said “beautiful” in Italian. When I came back and asked our companion what that means and they translated uBPDh changed in face.
Needless to say that the ride home was silent, when we went to bed his started cussing and swearing at me, saying he wants to go out separate (triggered by the fact that someone paid attention to me). Started saying that this was a beginning of another 45 days genoside and he will see how long I will last.
Next week is our son’s birthday, and I feel like he isn’t coming again. He did this to our son 3 years ago. Just said he didn’t feel like it. To be honest, almost every holiday and birthday is a trigger where he dysregulates, with a very few exceptions. I need to keep this no drama zone, I need kids to be ok.
I’m so exhausted of this non stop drama, thinking back to what @Ff asked me in another thread, I need to recognize my role in this.
If you guys remember, he also gets nasty before any test of mine or important deadline. All of my time and attention needs to be on him at all times when he chooses to. Otherwise I and the children get “punishment”, emotional and financial.

[snowglobe]

I had a session with our family’s clinical psychologist who consulted us in number of issues for son’s disability to daughter’s anxieties and fears. He pointed out that the cycle is about 3-4 weeks. Just thinking about it sends chills down my spine. Once a month He disregulates and splits on me. He also believes that just a behavioural approach won’t work. UBPDh needs to go on anti psychotic and anti-depressants as he is heavy into his depression induced by significant financial loss. He also raised his eye brows when I said that “since my unBPDh is high functioning” , he stopped and corrected me “whoever told you he was high functioning, dear?”. Based on what I have observed (he was at our house during one of the severe episodes when unpdh slept on the floor, with no proper bedding, on a paperthin mattress, refusing to shower, not coming out for several weeks.
I couldn’t come up with an answer, so I told him what I though:” I thought that he is high functioning, he holds an employment, his is married with children, he has some friends”. True as it may, the psychologist said they wouldn’t consider someone with above mentioned behaviours as high functioning. What perplexes me, is the fact, when things go bad for him, he goes into the Hulk mode destroying everything else around him. He is too ill right now, and for quite some time now to see what he is doing. I’m not sure if it’s more antisocial or schizophrenic on his part. He talks to himself, refuses to self groom, shower and haircuts become a struggle, unexpected and random acts of aggression, self distruction(he decided to eat himself to death and die from obesity).
Is there a way of getting him medical help?

[Cat Familiar]

He talks to himself, refuses to self groom, shower and haircuts become a struggle, unexpected and random acts of aggression, self distruction(he decided to eat himself to death and die from obesity).
Is there a way of getting him medical help?

You've been propping him up for years--otherwise he would not have been able to function as well as he has. Now, the mental illness is bleeding through and is observable by others, despite your best efforts. At some point, his investors will withdraw, seeing that he is mentally unstable.

As you've experienced yourself, he does not accurately see how dysfunctional he is and is unlikely to seek any help himself, whether it be medical or psychological.

He's also dealing with substance abuse, so that's mixed up with all the psychological issues. As 12 step literature indicates, often people need to hit bottom before they are willing to seek help. You've been preventing that, understandably since you have economic concerns about keeping your family safe. But on his own, unless he has reason to want help, it's very unlikely that he will ever seek it out.

[Notwendy]

From what I know of your situation, I tend to agree with the psychologist about your H's BPD.

I think your experience with your son with autism may be why you see your H as high functioning. High functioning autism takes into consideration IQ. A child with a normal- high IQ can usually function in a regular classroom while a child with a limited IQ may not. So the terms high functioning/low functioning are used in this situation in the school setting.

With BPD, the lines are a bit blurry. It isn't defined by IQ and I  don't even know if there is an actual definition. Also, during calmer times a pwBPD may be higher functioning than others. I think it has to do with the person's ability to emotionally regulate themselves, and whether or not there are other factors like drug/alcohol abuse, depression and other things that can impact their ability to function as adults in the world.

Your H may be employed but only with you propping him up. When he's emotional, he isn't able to self regulate. You prop him up there too in various ways. You even had to button his shirt for him.

To me, my mother is an example of low functioning but few people who know her would guess that. She has a high IQ and a college degree, yet her BPD has left her impaired to the point where she would not be able to hold a job, take care of herself, even cook or grocery shop. In her era, women lived at home until they were married, she went from her parents taking care of her to my father. He propped her up for decades and so did her children as we got older. Ironically, she has aged to the point where her situation is normalized. It is normal for an elderly person to need the level of assistance she needs now. What isn't known is that she has always needed this much assistance just to function. Were it not for my father, or someone else in his position, ( and I think she would have found someone) she would not be able to function.

I think a high functioning BPD is able to keep employment without being propped up. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships, this person would have issues with immediate family/intimate partners but otherwise be able to function as an adult in the world.

This aside, your H is doing what he does- and it seems to still be working for him, albeit he seems to unravel at times. But you continue to prop him up. You know that you can mainly only control your actions. What actions can you take to start to make changes in this. Small steps - one of them is to attend a meeting. Can you take this step this week?

[AskingWhy]

I think a high functioning BPD is able to keep employment without being propped up. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships, this person would have issues with immediate family/intimate partners but otherwise be able to function as an adult in the world.

This aside, your H is doing what he does- and it seems to still be working for him, albeit he seems to unravel at times. But you continue to prop him up. You know that you can mainly only control your actions. What actions can you take to start to make changes in this. Small steps - one of them is to attend a meeting. Can you take this step this week?

My uBPD/uNPD H is very high functioning.  He holds a job with a lot of responsibility.   I don't "prop" him up.  He goes to work every morning, attends professional conferences and conducts corporate training.  Very high functioning.

Yet at home and behind closed doors, he is the true Jekyll and Hyde.  H will destroy furniture and glassware/plates in fits of rage, put holes in doors and drywall, and yet will accept a call from one of his adult children and pour on the syrup.  

Neighbors up and down the street see him as the nice man who helps with lawn sprinklers and misdirected mail.  All of his closest friends have no idea what he does to me when H is alone with me:  the name-calling, weekly divorce threats and control through criticism.  I am sure they wonder why I look so unhappy when they come calling.

My self-esteem took a beating until I figured out what was wrong with H, that he is mentally ill, and there is a syndrome and mental picture.

[conflicted55]

Something you said at the end of your post resonated with me and my experience of my SO wuBPD. When a dear friend passed earlier this year my SO wuBPD appeared to punish me. Also when I have been helping other friends and latterly when I was ill and bedridden. Anything that takes the attention away from her. Its like there is a childish resentment of not being the sole recipient of my attention!