Mirsa, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise, wise words.
Yesterday was the by far the worst day I have had since BPD reared it's ugly head full force in my life and the estrangement with my daughter began.
She didn't say or do anything, maybe that was it. No "I love you mom" for the first time ever on Valentines Day or it could be the shiny, happy pictures I stupidly looked at on her Instagram. Our former best friends who berated and belittled our family as a whole when we didn't agree with them attacking other people, standing happily in our place with our daughter on her wedding day. I broke.
My story is on here. I don't post often as I don't know where I fit in. In the matter of estrangement I have been chastised on another forum for the fact that I should be thankful my daughter has reached out to me. How can I be thankful for the cruel, manipulative person she has become? How can I be thankful for the rewrite of her history that has no resemblance on what we as her family experienced. I can't be thankful for the fact that she ONLY talks about herself where 7 months ago we had several conversations throughout the day and she was thankful for her family, now she is not. I am so angry for how she treated my mom in her last days. Somehow she has managed to victimize herself in that scenario and I am sad and angry that she has the support of a whole church behind her as the abusive fool she married is the pastor's son. Not one person questioned this behaviour. The Pastor said " He only assaulted her once" but " We, her parents are the problem" I kid you not.
I'm grieving my mom and like Mirsa said the loss of the relationship I was looking forward to having with my young adult child.
I validated her feelings, listened to all her health woes for the past few weeks, did not offer any advice but could just feel myself feeling so damn empty after every conversation. She never mentions her husband, no discussion about the wedding ( we did not attend as my husband could not give her away to this man and we don't support it--my mom also passed away a week before) I am told whenever I felt safe to bring up feelings that She will not talk to me unless I conduct myself as an adult and have an adult conversation. The last thing I said to her was " I am more than happy to have an adult conversation but in order for that to occur we must , indeed have a conversation", then I was told she doesn't need my drama. I'm over it! My husband and I are already seeing the signs of her looking for the next thing to fill her void. The wedding happened in 6 months of dating. Sadly he is unstable. Our daughter paid $2600 in fines within weeks of dating, He has been impersonating an OPP Officer for 3 years, He assaulted her, and he comes with a warning from mom to every girl he proposes to. My daughter was #3 and sadly old enough to decide on her own.
What does all this rambling mean... .I'm exhausted. I feel like I am failing my youngest daughter and husband as well as myself. I feel like I failed my mom but I know I did all I could for uBPD daughter, which makes me angrier at myself. I am in therapy. I and my husband have been since the beginning.
I had left one door open... the ability to text us but I shut it yesterday. Not because she did anything, but because I can't right now. Does that make me selfish? She is 21, married and has a whole congregation behind her and him. It is now just my husband, daughter and a few close friends and family that uBPD shut out when they weren't buying her altered reality. I still haven't grieved my mom. My daughter was staying in contact with superficial talk that I felt I had to be there for her... just in case but I don't want to be anymore. She made us irrelevant the minute this man came into her life. I want her to deal with the consequences of her choices but I also don't want her to be hurt again by this man. I know there is not a thing I can do.
This is why I don't post. I ramble. Sorry for this. Again Mirsa, I read through your posts and there was so much there that resonated with me. Thank you.
