Advice to siblings

[powerup123]

My 22 yo son is newly diagnosed with BPD and recently discharged from a psychiatric unit. My other 20yo son (who is away at uni) has been home twice for short visits since other son’s discharge. The visits have largely gone well and both were really pleased to see each other. The 20yo is due home soon for a 4 week break, he is very sociable and often has friends round. In the past, when this has happened my son with BPD has disappeared to his room. We think he probably has avoidant personality as well (he thinks so too).
I have said to the 20yo that we need to try and prevent this brother disappearing to the room as much as possible and as it’s early days perhaps he could visit his friends during the break rather than them coming to the house. My 20yo son is perfectly ok with this and I know he really worries about his brother. I’m just wondering if this is the right approach. I feel like our priority is keeping the son with BPD alive and preventing situations which appear to trigger him but does this make the situation worse in the long run?
I’d be really grateful to hear how other families cope with this. It’s pretty early days for us. My son has struggled for a number of years but we only recently have a diagnosis and I really don’t want him to go back into hospital as he spiralled downhill so quickly when he went into hospital.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

How much are your younger son's friends aware of his brother's struggles if at all?  Or how much do they know him?

A pwBPD feels at their core that they are unlovable.  I was raised by a mother with BPD.  I'm not BPD,  but had somethimg like social anxiety into my late 20s, and preferred to suffer by myself.  Looking back after 20 years, I think my younger self self foolish,  but that's me.  Is your older son open to hanging out with his brother's friends if they try,  or does he prefer to be by himself?  I'm suspecting that,  even if part of him desires closeness.

[powerup123]

My younger son’s friends are aware that his brother has mental health problems but they do not know him very well as he has avoided them whenever they have visited our house in the past.
I know my son with BPD is lonely and has cut himself off from the friends he had.
At the moment, visitors to the house seem to cause him anxiety and he hides in his room. I am aware that he is currently self harming when he feels bad so my instinct is to prevent situations occurring in the home that cause him anxiety. But I’m confused as to whether this is the best approach.

[Mirsa]

Hi,

I would be hesitant to put that type of responsibility on a 20yo.  If they can connect 3-4 times during the month-long visit, I would think of that as a success.  Perhaps ask the 20yo what he feels comfortable with, what worries him, and let him participate in the decision about how to interact with his brother.  I'd be nervous to do anything that would discourage one sibling from wanting to visit again or interact with this older brother bc of feeling too responsible for his bother's welfare.  It's a fine line between supporting the older brother and caretaking him. 

This is a hard call and I don't envy you the situation,

Marisa