I know I have to be the one to break this cycle

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333750.0

I know I have to be the one to break this cycle, I feel annoyed with myself today because I did not maintain 'adult' yesterday, I know I said a lot of spiteful and hateful things I can't remember exactly what because I can see I was in a rage - white hot, but I know it was downright cruel.

I can only liken it to a pressure cooker, the fear and hurt have been building for months, coupled with an increasing deep inner feeling (not expressed until yesterday) that I am much better off on my own, after all I have a job, good friends and engaging hobbies.Those of course he hates, the company I work for are Asss, my friends are evil and my hobbies are childish. He knows how to push my buttons, usually I know how to shield myself but finally he broke through.

To be a bit fair to me I can see that the stress of my recent cardiac problems and being off work, coupled with a house move and workman trailing through the house has hardly been the best backdrop to having to deal with his behaviours. Burn out probably and I am not always good at being kind to myself.

I have tried hard to deal with the F.O.G that he uses, I have tried S.E.T, I try to talk calmly but for weeks now he either harasses me with questions, and there may be some mind reading going on there because the questions are usually just statements like "i know you would be better off without me - you have always wanted to get rid of me" trouble is at the moment I think that the first statement is probably true, the latter upsets me because of all the support (maybe enabling?) that I have done.

Last night I know I said , yes you are right just get out and leave me alone (but a lot more nasty than that).

I snapped, hate doing that and makes me feel quite distressed. He has now locked himself in his room, isolating again - probably for the best. I know I need to escape for a few days if just to get my head back because I don't want to feel this contempt and anger and a bit of distance will help. I know I have to detach, just become disinterested and remote.

I am really struggling at the moment but can escape for a couple of days this weekend - tomorrow is another day, this too shall pass.

Thanks for listening.

[ortac77]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333750.0

I know I have to be the one to break this cycle, I feel annoyed with myself today because I did not maintain 'adult' yesterday, I know I said a lot of spiteful and hateful things I can't remember exactly what because I can see I was in a rage - white hot, but I know it was downright cruel.

I can only liken it to a pressure cooker, the fear and hurt have been building for months, coupled with an increasing deep inner feeling (not expressed until yesterday) that I am much better off on my own, after all I have a job, good friends and engaging hobbies.Those of course he hates, the company I work for are Asss, my friends are evil and my hobbies are childish. He knows how to push my buttons, usually I know how to shield myself but finally he broke through.

To be a bit fair to me I can see that the stress of my recent cardiac problems and being off work, coupled with a house move and workman trailing through the house has hardly been the best backdrop to having to deal with his behaviours. Burn out probably and I am not always good at being kind to myself.

I have tried hard to deal with the F.O.G that he uses, I have tried S.E.T, I try to talk calmly but for weeks now he either harasses me with questions, and there may be some mind reading going on there because the questions are usually just statements like "i know you would be better off without me - you have always wanted to get rid of me" trouble is at the moment I think that the first statement is probably true, the latter upsets me because of all the support (maybe enabling?) that I have done.

Last night I know I said , yes you are right just get out and leave me alone (but a lot more nasty than that).

I snapped, hate doing that and makes me feel quite distressed. He has now locked himself in his room, isolating again - probably for the best. I know I need to escape for a few days if just to get my head back because I don't want to feel this contempt and anger and a bit of distance will help. I know I have to detach, just become disinterested and remote.

I am really struggling at the moment but can escape for a couple of days this weekend - tomorrow is another day, this too shall pass.

Thanks for listening.

[radoe]

Greetings,

It is most productive if we can stop the fighting.

My wife has read books on BPD and claims up and down the SET does not work.
I have fallen into the fighting trap so many times.

I try to whisper, when criticism, or anger starts.
I gives me time to realize what is happening and to stay calmer.
My wife observes this and in the moment, she stops because I am not the one fighting.

It does not make a lot of sense but it works for me.

[Cat Familiar]

Recharge and refresh yourself on your weekend escape. And think about how you can sidestep some of those issues he brings so they don't impact you in hurtful ways. You've already got some good strategies, now let's find more.

Here's some reading material that might be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.msg1099710#msg1099710

[Lucky Jim]

I snapped, hate doing that and makes me feel quite distressed.

Hey ortac77, Don't beat yourself up!  It's normal to lose one's cool in a BPD r/s.  I'm generally a polite, easy-going guy, yet at times used vulgar and crude language when my BPDxW goaded or bullied me.  I'm not proud of that behavior, yet it was understandable in the context of a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

[ortac77]

Thanks for the responses.

I do try to stay calm but actually I think that is one of his 'triggers', he doesn't want calm. I think this is a lot to do with his background and FOO. BPD seems to thrive on drama.

Cat - thanks - I need to carefully re-read a lot of that useful stuff and you are right build in some more strategies. I am just taking space now for some calm reading and thought about how I am going to move forward here.

Luck Jim - I'm trying not to beat myself up, I felt bad yesterday but I know my anger and rage was a human reaction fuelled by adrenaline and cortisone - fight or flight - the 'chimp' was in charge (Steve Peters - Chimp paradox if you have read it). I worked through it and today feel a lot more centred.
I

[Cat Familiar]

I do try to stay calm but actually I think that is one of his 'triggers', he doesn't want calm. I think this is a lot to do with his background and FOO. BPD seems to thrive on drama.

I know exactly what you mean, ortac, and I agree. Our calmness can feel invalidating to our pwBPD. But that's not a good reason to jump on the crazytrain with them when they're dysregulating.

I've done that before I understood that I was dealing with BPD and it certainly didn't help things.

I think the reason they want us to be as over-emotional as they are is out of a sense of shame. "See, you're out of control too."

Good to keep in mind that we don't want to validate the invalid.

[ortac77]

Hi Cat

Yes I went on the crazy train the other night and its a journey I don't want to repeat, done it before and it really is a journey to emotional hell! You are spot on by doing so I am 'out of control as well' I had not thought through how that was validating the invalid. It's a point well taken.

Just taking time to re-read a lot of stuff on here and I can see that I have allowed somebody else to rent far too much space in my head - with the clear light of day I know I need to work on my boundaries and that means looking again at my values and beliefs.

It will take time, patience and I think a degree of healthy detachment.

On a positive note my cardiologist has given me medical clearance to return to work, whilst I work in a pressured environment at least the 'normality' of that will help me to re focus and balance my obsessive thinking.

Space is what I need, I think that might help my pwBPD as well but I do know that whatever - I have to really focus on my part in this as I am the only one who can change me.

[Cat Familiar]

Space is what I need, I think that might help my pwBPD as well but I do know that whatever - I have to really focus on my part in this as I am the only one who can change me.

   Yes, you are the one who can change more easily and think of creating new mental habits now that you're reentering the workplace. So happy to hear that your health issues have resolved.

[Cat Familiar]

Ortac, I hope you had a nice weekend break. How are things now that you've had some time alone to think about everything?

[ortac77]

Hi Cat

A lot calmer thanks, much needed break helped - the more I think about it I cope pretty well most of the time but I need to make sure I get more space more frequently - I am not making any long term decisions rather taking it slowly and taking some time to get to know me a bit better. I do realise that living with a pwBPD does take a lot out of me and I need to recharge a bit more often.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes. Is there a way to build in “mini breaks” in your schedule when you don’t have time for a weekend getaway?

[ortac77]

Well an update - I am now back at work and the nature of which takes me away from home for a few days each time will create some space for me. In the meantime I have making sure I get out every day and do something I enjoy.

My pwBPD has seen the mental health team and the Dr who have been supportive (he asked me to go with him) and they both gave the same message whilst they can be supportive he needs to start doing things for himself - of course that message is not well received and does not suit his 'victim mentality'. I have been firmly resisting any temptation to rescue but at the moment things are relatively calm - he has tried to involve me in his 'internal chaos' and come to that external chaos (he looks a mess and really is not looking after himself at all well) but he has a roof over his head, food in the cupboard and that is as far as I can go at the moment.

To a large extent it feels more like have a messy lodger than a partner and I am not going to pretend that this suits me but perhaps with the medical team involved he might start to get some motivation.

I am just keeping my side of the street 'clean' and taking things one day at a time.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you’re feeling centered and calm and creating a healthy amount of personal space.