The Empty Chair

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I said in another thread that one of the hardest things for me is not being able to say all the unsaid things I need to. I am going to try an experiment. I am going to try a version of "the empty chair" and say all of those things here.

I can't say them to him. I know that, if I sent this as a letter to him, it would invite nasty texts from her along the lines of "We got your letter. He gave it straight to me and asked me to rip it up because he doesn't want to know you, you sad cow. You're acting pathetic. Get over it already."

And I don't want to invite that. It would be both painful and humiliating. So please be aware that I am not going to even consider sending this - I just want to say these things somewhere, even though I can't say them to him. I know it is written as though I'm going to send it - that's because that's how I wanted to write it - I wanted to look at "what would I say in a letter if I could send one?" so it's written exactly as it would be if I planned to send it.

Dear S,

I have been finding it hard to let go because I feel I haven't had the opportunity to say all the things that need to be said. When a serious relationship like ours ends, people often need to talk and say those things. You understood how D needed to talk it through when I met you; I'd appreciate it if you could give me that same understanding now.

Firstly, you need to know that this isn't all your fault. I was horrible to you in that last week before you told me about J. I was cold and distant, perhaps even cruelly so, and I'm sorry for that. But this was only because I knew. I knew you were seeing someone else and yet you wouldn't tell me - I was deeply hurt and very angry about that. Because me and you were always real with each other and we could tell each other anything. It was breaking my heart that you took that away and that's why I acted with you like I did. It was a self-protective withdrawal, nothing more; it did not signify any lessening of my interest in you or love for you. I wish you could have come to me and told me and talked about things properly; I'm sorry that you didn't feel you could do that.

When you asked to spend a romantic Valentine's Day with me and I turned you down, it was, again, only because I knew. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with you - I did. It was because I didn't want us to have to put on an act where you pretended this wasn't happening and I pretended to believe you. I value honesty and authenticity very highly; I felt you were asking me to sacrifice those things and spend that day with you under false pretenses, and this is something which I couldn't do.

I realise now that you didn't understand this (though I did try to explain that it was the secrets and lies that were the problem for me). I think you thought that I didn't want or love you anymore. That idea breaks my heart, because I always wanted and loved you very deeply.

In the last few weeks, the depression I was starting to backslide into (largely because of knowing there were secrets) stopped me from being able to show you the appreciation that I usually do. You'd say all those insecure things about not deserving me and not making me happy, and I was too low to fight it like I usually do. I didn't have the energy to correct you and tell you you're the best and only person in the world for me and the light of my life and to remind you of all the many wonderful things you brought to my life. I am sorry for that too. You deserved to hear how valued you were and to feel it every second.

Secondly, it was absolutely wrong of me to have shared your texts with J and told her things you'd said. It was completely wrong and unforgivable, though I'm sorry for it anyway. I felt very hurt and betrayed by the ways in which you were disrespecting my privacy and sharing my private words with someone they weren't intended for. I felt very angry that you were doing that and yet trusting that it wouldn't be done back to you. I felt "Why should I keep on giving things that are never given back to me?". It was an immature and pain-fuelled response and totally beneath me and a violation, not only of your privacy, but also of the trust you had in me. It was wrong and I am sorry for it.

You were (and are) loved. You brought lots of good into my life and I treasured you. And I hope you know I did, really. I guess I must have made you think otherwise at times in the last few weeks, and I regret that deeply. But I hope that you do know you were treasured. Just look at how I was with photographing everything, saving every receipt and bus ticket, wanting a notebook to write down all the funny and clever and insightful things you say so I'd never forget a single one of them. Remember these little things and know that you were loved.

I want you to be happy, darling. If you and J are happy, that's what matters most. You deserve happiness and you deserve love, and, if she gives you those things, then I am glad for you both.

I have no interest in trying to come between you or trying to get you back or anything like that. That isn't how the world works and it isn't how I work. That's not what this is about - it's about closure - it's about making sure that everything that needs to be said is said and heard. I think it can be hard for people to move on without scars if they don't do this.

I miss you, of course. You were my world and you've vanished suddenly and completely. That is going to take me some getting used to. And it will take me a long time to get over this. But I will get over it in time and I will be okay.

It hurts that you haven't let me say a proper goodbye. You have made J act like a secretary or a bouncer filtering your communications for you so that you don't have to confront reminders. That won't do any of the three of us any good. This (our break-up) is something to face yourself and not try to run and hide from or delegate to someone else. Read and reread this letter until it sinks in, and then bin it and move forwards with your life and be happy.

I will not read or respond to communications from J again and I never should have done so in the first place. I mean absolutely no offence to her with that. It's just that she was not part of our relationship and she is not part of our break-up. It's between us and us alone, and it is unfair on everyone to involve her in it and cannot do anyone any good.

I want you to know that this is not your fault alone. And I want you to know that were deeply loved, treasured, appreciated, and valued. I did try to show you that in so many ways, but I let it slide these last few weeks - I will always regret that.

You know where I am if you want me. If you choose J, then that's up to you. You are a free human-being and you must do what feels right to you and what makes you happy. But I do want you to know that it is a choice. I don't want you to think that you have burnt bridges with me, because that hasn't happened.

Whatever you choose and wherever life takes you, be happy and know that you are a beautiful person who deserves love and laughter and all good things in life. And know that I will never regret having asked for your number that day. Even if this is where it ends now, I do not regret our time together - my only regret is having ever given you a moment's cause to doubt that. What we had was very beautiful and special and you gave me the most amazing times, wonderful adventures, and incredible memories which I know I could never have had with anyone else. Thank you for those.

You are a gorgeous, funny, clever, perceptive, fascinating man, who deserves to be with someone who will treasure you every moment. Never forget that. Take care, my darling, and be happy.

Love always,

B xxx

[Bnonymous]

I said in another thread that one of the hardest things for me is not being able to say all the unsaid things I need to. I am going to try an experiment. I am going to try a version of "the empty chair" and say all of those things here.

I can't say them to him. I know that, if I sent this as a letter to him, it would invite nasty texts from her along the lines of "We got your letter. He gave it straight to me and asked me to rip it up because he doesn't want to know you, you sad cow. You're acting pathetic. Get over it already."

And I don't want to invite that. It would be both painful and humiliating. So please be aware that I am not going to even consider sending this - I just want to say these things somewhere, even though I can't say them to him. I know it is written as though I'm going to send it - that's because that's how I wanted to write it - I wanted to look at "what would I say in a letter if I could send one?" so it's written exactly as it would be if I planned to send it.

Dear S,

I have been finding it hard to let go because I feel I haven't had the opportunity to say all the things that need to be said. When a serious relationship like ours ends, people often need to talk and say those things. You understood how D needed to talk it through when I met you; I'd appreciate it if you could give me that same understanding now.

Firstly, you need to know that this isn't all your fault. I was horrible to you in that last week before you told me about J. I was cold and distant, perhaps even cruelly so, and I'm sorry for that. But this was only because I knew. I knew you were seeing someone else and yet you wouldn't tell me - I was deeply hurt and very angry about that. Because me and you were always real with each other and we could tell each other anything. It was breaking my heart that you took that away and that's why I acted with you like I did. It was a self-protective withdrawal, nothing more; it did not signify any lessening of my interest in you or love for you. I wish you could have come to me and told me and talked about things properly; I'm sorry that you didn't feel you could do that.

When you asked to spend a romantic Valentine's Day with me and I turned you down, it was, again, only because I knew. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with you - I did. It was because I didn't want us to have to put on an act where you pretended this wasn't happening and I pretended to believe you. I value honesty and authenticity very highly; I felt you were asking me to sacrifice those things and spend that day with you under false pretenses, and this is something which I couldn't do.

I realise now that you didn't understand this (though I did try to explain that it was the secrets and lies that were the problem for me). I think you thought that I didn't want or love you anymore. That idea breaks my heart, because I always wanted and loved you very deeply.

In the last few weeks, the depression I was starting to backslide into (largely because of knowing there were secrets) stopped me from being able to show you the appreciation that I usually do. You'd say all those insecure things about not deserving me and not making me happy, and I was too low to fight it like I usually do. I didn't have the energy to correct you and tell you you're the best and only person in the world for me and the light of my life and to remind you of all the many wonderful things you brought to my life. I am sorry for that too. You deserved to hear how valued you were and to feel it every second.

Secondly, it was absolutely wrong of me to have shared your texts with J and told her things you'd said. It was completely wrong and unforgivable, though I'm sorry for it anyway. I felt very hurt and betrayed by the ways in which you were disrespecting my privacy and sharing my private words with someone they weren't intended for. I felt very angry that you were doing that and yet trusting that it wouldn't be done back to you. I felt "Why should I keep on giving things that are never given back to me?". It was an immature and pain-fuelled response and totally beneath me and a violation, not only of your privacy, but also of the trust you had in me. It was wrong and I am sorry for it.

You were (and are) loved. You brought lots of good into my life and I treasured you. And I hope you know I did, really. I guess I must have made you think otherwise at times in the last few weeks, and I regret that deeply. But I hope that you do know you were treasured. Just look at how I was with photographing everything, saving every receipt and bus ticket, wanting a notebook to write down all the funny and clever and insightful things you say so I'd never forget a single one of them. Remember these little things and know that you were loved.

I want you to be happy, darling. If you and J are happy, that's what matters most. You deserve happiness and you deserve love, and, if she gives you those things, then I am glad for you both.

I have no interest in trying to come between you or trying to get you back or anything like that. That isn't how the world works and it isn't how I work. That's not what this is about - it's about closure - it's about making sure that everything that needs to be said is said and heard. I think it can be hard for people to move on without scars if they don't do this.

I miss you, of course. You were my world and you've vanished suddenly and completely. That is going to take me some getting used to. And it will take me a long time to get over this. But I will get over it in time and I will be okay.

It hurts that you haven't let me say a proper goodbye. You have made J act like a secretary or a bouncer filtering your communications for you so that you don't have to confront reminders. That won't do any of the three of us any good. This (our break-up) is something to face yourself and not try to run and hide from or delegate to someone else. Read and reread this letter until it sinks in, and then bin it and move forwards with your life and be happy.

I will not read or respond to communications from J again and I never should have done so in the first place. I mean absolutely no offence to her with that. It's just that she was not part of our relationship and she is not part of our break-up. It's between us and us alone, and it is unfair on everyone to involve her in it and cannot do anyone any good.

I want you to know that this is not your fault alone. And I want you to know that were deeply loved, treasured, appreciated, and valued. I did try to show you that in so many ways, but I let it slide these last few weeks - I will always regret that.

You know where I am if you want me. If you choose J, then that's up to you. You are a free human-being and you must do what feels right to you and what makes you happy. But I do want you to know that it is a choice. I don't want you to think that you have burnt bridges with me, because that hasn't happened.

Whatever you choose and wherever life takes you, be happy and know that you are a beautiful person who deserves love and laughter and all good things in life. And know that I will never regret having asked for your number that day. Even if this is where it ends now, I do not regret our time together - my only regret is having ever given you a moment's cause to doubt that. What we had was very beautiful and special and you gave me the most amazing times, wonderful adventures, and incredible memories which I know I could never have had with anyone else. Thank you for those.

You are a gorgeous, funny, clever, perceptive, fascinating man, who deserves to be with someone who will treasure you every moment. Never forget that. Take care, my darling, and be happy.

Love always,

B xxx

[AskingWhy]

Bnonymous, I suspect a lot of your upset is due to the lack of closure.  As with my uBPD lover, your pwBPD found someone else, which is extremely painful.  It hurts to be left in the dark while your partner has found someone else and has moved on, and does not tell you.  It is dishonest as well as abusive.   Writing the unsent letter/empty chair exercise is revealing and cathartic.

I also felt this way about my lover.  I wanted to wish him well.  I knew he was truly a messed up man.  In fact, I even got him to go into counseling about six months before he left me.  I suspect that the T was getting at the roof of his issues with his dysfunctional FOO, his enmeshment with his M, and he just could not take a R/S with me.  At that time, I loved him and wanted him to be happy and explore the reasons he was dysregulating (hitting himself with his own hands, suicide threats, etc.)  I was certain he would find therapy useful, he'd resolve his issues, and one day he'd return to me and we'd live happily ever after.

It did not happen.  I later learned he had moved away without telling me.  No call to formally say he was calling it quits.  No call for me to even begin closure.  He just up and left.  The last time I saw him was in the restaurant.  I was too confused to even cry that evening, certain he would call me in about a week, and we'd resume the R/S.  

This is common, I understand with R/S with BPDs and NPDs.  One day they devalue and discard you and it's like you never existed for them.  And they go off to the next R/S.  

Now that lover and what he did to me is in the past.  I allowed myself the righteous anger for what he did to me.  I will forever think of his cruelty and cowardice in his leaving me.  A real man would not do so in a public place, but do so in the privacy of a home.  I would have respected him more if he would have done that but he did not. I later learned some years ago about some misfortunes in his private life.  To be honest, you can't abuse people and discard them and not expect some cosmic retribution.  Now looking back, I see he got his just deserts.  I no longer feel sorry for him.

Likewise, I no longer feel sorry for my uBPD H when he dysregulates, nor when I have to deal with his adult children or FOO.   I have my eyes wide open.  I no longer feel sorry for any of them when they have to deal with the outcome of their poor choices.  They don't see actions have consequences.  I leave them to the outcomes of their own making.

Be well, Bnonymous. I know you are hurting and confused.  This is what happens when there is no closure and you see your partner has moved on.  It is truly more painful when that partner is triangulating.  

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, askingwhy.

Yes, the public place thing seems needlessly cruel. I doubt that was his intention - I'd imagine he was only thinking of himself and how he'd be more likely to be spared the full thrust of your emotional reactions if he did it publicly then made a dash for it. I agree it's cowardly.

Mine swore blind to me on the Monday night that there wasn't, and never could be, anyone else. Then, on the Weds morning, he texted "I'm trapped in a situation I can't get out of and I don't want you involved in it. I'm trapped." A few hours later, he texted "I've met someone else. Thanks for all your help. Bye!". I replied "Thank you for telling me - I respect that. I would appreciate it if we could have one last conversation, so I can ask some questions, to help me move on."

So he phoned me. In front of her. Yelling at me "What IS your problem? You should be happy for me!" then putting her on the phone.

[Bnonymous]

There are many many aspects to this that are extremely difficult to process and live with. But, if I had to pinpoint one of them, I would go for how much of this is my fault, and how I will never get the chance to put it right or even tell him...

People could say "All you can do is learn from it and not repeat the mistakes in the next relationship". I am determined there won't be a next relationship, but, even if there were, it doesn't change the fact that I can't put it right with him or apologise to him.

I used to say to him so often "I feel so much for your exs - they didn't appreciate what they had and they threw away something so precious!" And I never dreamt that I would be one of them, that I would make that mistake... It hurts so much that I am and I did.

I am someone who is gifted at appreciation and making the most of things and never taking anything or anyone for granted. It is a gift. I am someone who never lets the sun go down on an argument. I am someone who always remembers what matters most and never loses the wood for the trees. I am someone with a great awareness of mortality who never forgets that what we say to someone could be the last thing they hear. That's me. That's who I am.

And, for just a few short weeks, I lost that. I lost myself. And I am going to be paying for that for every day for the rest of my life.

So many people go through life taking everything for granted all the time and they never end up paying for it. I lived the exact opposite of that for almost all my time, and only lost sight of it for a few weeks, and now I will pay forever.

And it hurts like hellfire.

And I want miracles, a time-machine etc. Or, at the very least, I want closure, I want a chance to tell him how sorry I am for losing sight of what mattered.

And I have to live with the fact that I will never get those things. I have to live with it. I have to radically accept it. And I don't know how. I don't know how to even begin to live with having f***ed up so tremendously and having no chance to put it right or even say sorry for it. I don't know how to live with that.

And I'm "bargaining" with God, something which I never do. My prayers focus on "give me the strength to cope with what may be" usually, instead of on asking God to make things be what I want/need them to. I don't ask for anything in life, only for the skills to cope with whatever it brings me.

But I have been asking this time. I have been praying "Please Lord, bring him home, and give me a chance to put this right. I am so so sorry that you trusted me with this precious creation of yours and I didn't honour that trust by treasuring him as I should have. I let you down. I let myself down. I let him down. I am so so sorry. Please give me a chance to put this right, please bring him home..."

And then... (Part of me knows this is self-indulgent wallowing, but...) part of me can't even believe in God anymore. Because - you know why I believed in God, why I had faith? - because I felt it. I felt His love for me and was secure in it. And... It's what I felt with my (ex)partner. I felt just like that. I knew he loved me because I felt it.

And now I know that counts for nothing. Now I know that feelings like this are not indicators of reality. So now I think that it's the same with God: "I feel it, but so what? I know now that feeling means nothing".

I can't forgive myself. I am such a forgiving person, towards myself and others, but... I can't forgive myself for this. I know I have to. But I can't.

I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I've lost/am losing the things that make me me. I'm getting a taste of what life must be like for him.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear B-

Your pain and grief are palpable.  I am so sorry that you are in the throes of this sadness and regret.  But my friend, the only thing to feel sorry for is that he suffers from BPD, or very strong traits of BPD, And you did NOT cause or contribute to his illness.  After reading your history, I cannot see where you failed him.  At all.

And the thing about this illness is that the emptiness seems to be forever, and bottomless in those who suffer from BPD.  They may believe that some new, shiny person will fill the hole that ails them, but it won’t.  He left because that’s what he does.  He didn’t leave because of you.  He did NOT leave because of you.

Please think about it.  From a BPD’s standpoint, there is generally no shortage of holding back on bad thoughts, ranting or criticisms about anything they may perceive we are doing wrong.  Yet he didn’t do that, did he?  I don’t think he did that.  So no, this wasn’t about you at all.

You could have been absolutely at the tip top of your form, feeding his emptiness to the best of your ability, and he still would have done this.  He is chasing his empty.  Running from his shame at another failed attempt to learn why he cannot feel better inside.  The triangulation was the attempt to “prove” he left for some “reason”.  He didn’t.   It’s got nothing to do with you, and never did.  As I said, and realized myself...I could not love him to wellness.  None of us can.

None of us knows the truth of what has transpired in past relationships involving our partners.  We are fed morsels of truth.  And a lot of untruths.  We believe we have found the key to our BPD partners’ happiness and stability.  I believe, or believed, that myself.  In any one of thousands of moments.  But it wasn’t true.  There was always another storm brewing.  All because he wouldn’t help himself.

Here’s the thing, B, even if you did have a minor slip up and not state for a few days how much you treasured him, he had already decided that this level of intimacy was too scary for him.  He doesn’t know how to do love and be accepted for who he is.  I believe that Somewhere in that broken heart of his, there lies a deep fear that if he stayed longer, you’d really see him.  And you would NOT love that (in his mind).  He needed a reason to leave.  Always has and always will (unless he gets real help or grows old and becomes weary Of the drama).  So he found one. 

Honest to GOD, I feel you loved him the best you could.  The best anyone could, in a deeply compassionate, understanding and full-hearted accepting manner.  You just couldn’t “fix” what is so badly broken in him.  None of us can, and that is the most difficult part to radically accept.  That is the “why”... with no answers...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bnonymous]

You are an angel, dear Gems. Thank you. 

I never thought I could fix him. There is a short story I love called "Lie Thee Down, Oddity". In it, this guy feels "called" to do various things and it's somehow symbolised by a hat he wears.

At the end, he sees a man trapped beneath a building that is about to fall, and he feels "called" to go to him. He knows he can't save him. He knows the building will fall on the pair of them. But he can, at least, keep him company while it does.

At the end, the man is telling him to go, save himself. And he takes off his hat and smiles and the man smiles back. And the building falls.

I wanted that if anything. I don't expect anyone to understand or think it's healthy or what-have-you. But... It's how I felt. I couldn't save him. I couldn't stop the building (memories and trauma) from falling. But I could sit there with him and smile and take off my hat.

She, on the other hand, has been texting me things like "I am helping him to get off the drink and learn to love life again" and "I'm having a massive impact on his life - he's like a different person!"

I feel about three hundred years old.

Trauma cannot be cured that easily. It can be overcome and lived with, and even triumphed over, with a lot of work by the traumatised person themselves. But it cannot be loved away in an instant or fixed by someone else. Part of me truly feels sorry for her.

Don't get me wrong here. I wasn't discouraging or enabling. I showed great belief in him and his ability to make his own life better, and supported him with that in every way I could. I just... didn't make it a condition of anything. He didn't need to let me "fix" him or to "fix" himself in order to have my love. It was unconditional and I accepted him unconditionally. Because sometimes people need that in order to have the space and freedom and security to figure out that they want to fix themselves for themselves, not to please anyone else or make themselves acceptable and lovable to someone else, but just because they want it for them.

I can't explain any of this or expect anyone else to understand it; I am getting that now.

But I know that I did what I felt was right (and still feel was right) and that I'm alright with myself and with God. Even if no one else ever "gets" it or sees the many and varied nuances of it.

It's just the last couple of weeks that I deeply regret.

It has hurt me how much I have felt misunderstood (not by you, dear Gem!). But I am letting that go now.

[toomanydogs]

Dear B,
   I agree with Gemsforeyes: there is nothing you could have done to keep him. I like the way G explains BPDs chasing an emptiness.
   I was with my BPD (NPD?) for 12 years, married for 11, and in the end he left. In the end, he was pretty scary. (I have videos he shot of himself, showing how he'd behave one way when I was with him and then call me a f***ing c***, as I walked away.)
   I also agree that such severely disordered people cannot love us as we need and deserve them to love us.
   As I mentioned, my BPD left me and filed for divorce--a divorce that has been going on entirely too long. For the first 9 months of his leaving, I was falling-to-the-ground devastated. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat right--overate then didn't eat at all--couldn't concentrate.
  And right about the 9 month mark I began to feel better. Not a whole lot better, but a little. Maybe 1/2 day once a week, I felt like I could talk without crying. I didn't share that emotional reaction with many people; as a result, some (not on this board, elsewhere) have asked if I ever loved my STBX.
  I most definitely loved him. Even when I discovered he was with someone else, I worried about him. (He's no longer with her, that relationship lasted less than a month.)
  Now, I go back and forth. Some days, I clearly see how disordered he is, and I realize none of what he did to me was done with premeditation. The best I can say is that he simply didn't recognize me as being a person separate from himself with her own needs and insecurities.
  He had been, at times, very gentle with me, and, at other times, unbearably cruel.
  I think what your ex did was needlessly cruel. My heart goes out to you. How you navigate this period in your life will be different from the way I navigate or the way others do, but please know you're not alone.
 
TMD

[Bnonymous]

Thank you so much!

I have felt unbearably alone and misunderstood and judged.

That people are taking the time out to say that they get it and they don't judge means the world to me.

Thank you. You are Making A Difference. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Bnonymous-
I appreciate your take on the man with the hat and his calling, and look forward to reading that story.  It is good and therapeutic spending this time with you.

I didn’t know about BPD until I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men” over 3.5 years into our relationship.

When I first spoke to BPDbf in detail about his rage, it was by phone and I asked how it felt in his body when that happened.  It was a pretty pure conversation and he then asked what happens in MY body when he rages.  He said he didn’t think it was healthy for me for him to do that to me, and he suggested he may need to get help.  I cried.  And then I think he cried.  This was during a call when he was trying to reunite with me.

I have been close with people who have abused alcohol and drugs, and me in the process.  I don’t mind periodic use, even light daily consumption, but I cannot be intimately involved with substance abusers.  Several months after I started seeing BPDbf, he began drinking over a bottle of wine nightly and his behavior changed.  I had to take care of myself, which was quite a step for me after my marriage/divorce.  I told him about my sensitivities and discussed how I saw his behavioral changes.  I told him I cared for him deeply and we were going to transition to a friendship.  This man NEVER drank another glass of wine.  I didn’t ask him or tell him to stop drinking wine.  He switched to two beers, then one beer, then one on occasion.  PwBPD will do things for love.

In reading about your pwBPD’s drinking, it seems you were very supportive and did what you could when he relapsed.  I don’t see that you enabled him or gave him ultimatums.  His decision to seek sobriety has to be his, and your decision to stand by him was pretty clear.

I have found that my brand of love is pretty unconditional and extremely loyal.  Sometimes to a fault.  It was with my ex-h.  Until the night he threw me across the room and into a door.  My marriage ended that night.  My H had never raged but had other damaging and abusive traits.

I’m not certain how far BPDbf would go, which brings me to a crossroads.  For the first time, in December he disclosed some very disturbing history to me and later that night in his rage he expressed a wish to physically hurt me.  My love can no longer be unconditional.  We travel our journeys and BELIEVE with all our hearts we’ll stay on this train, but sometimes we’ve got to disembark.  He has made two overtures to return.  I have not responded.  What will he do for love, or TO his love?

I don’t really comprehend the reasons for her texts/ report card delivery to you, unless 1/ he’s prodding her as some means to just let you know he’s ok, or  2/ the message beneath her message is to ease her own conscience over her role in what has taken place.  We call this JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); and it’s something we strive to “unlearn”.  What is your take?  How do you feel in your core about the texts?  Have they stopped being directly abusive toward you (tho’ I see the indirect abuse continues)...

If in fact she IS controlling his communication right now, I cannot see that lasting for too long a period.  Your thoughts?

If the ultimate result is that pwBPD achieves sobriety, that is a wonderful gift.  And with a clear head and better eyesight, your pwBPD may come to have a whole different worldview on his situation.

I hope you’re feeling a bit better.  If there’s any group of people who understand this kind of love, it IS this group of people.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bnonymous]

Thank you, Gems.

I'm sorry you've been through such things and I am glad to hear that you have self-love and care too and will protect yourself.

I don’t really comprehend the reasons for her texts/ report card delivery to you, unless 1/ he’s prodding her as some means to just let you know he’s ok, or  2/ the message beneath her message is to ease her own conscience over her role in what has taken place.  We call this JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); and it’s something we strive to “unlearn”.  What is your take?  How do you feel in your core about the texts?  Have they stopped being directly abusive toward you (tho’ I see the indirect abuse continues)...

I see two possibilities. One, he was pushing her, not to show me he was okay, but to find out that I was and make sure I didn't forget about him. Two, she got something out of the love triangle set-up and was left feeling a bit flat and empty when it ended, so was trying to get back some of the excitement and, well, power, she felt while he was seeing both of us. I'm trying not to spend too much time on wondering about this.

Touch wood, she's stopped now.

If in fact she IS controlling his communication right now, I cannot see that lasting for too long a period.  Your thoughts?

He wouldn't put up with that for long. Like most human-beings, and especially most survivors of sexual assault, he cannot abide being controlled. He is very sensitive to even the slightest hint of it. If he's tolerating it now (and, let's face it, we don't know who's really pulling the strings there) that may be how the first flush of eros overlooks all faults thing. If she is controlling, he won't accept it for long.

If the ultimate result is that pwBPD achieves sobriety, that is a wonderful gift.  And with a clear head and better eyesight, your pwBPD may come to have a whole different worldview on his situation.

It would be wonderful, but I think it's a fantasy. I heard those lines from him in the beginning, I was making him love life again, he was going to get off the drink because of me, I was having a huge impact on him etc. I would guess he's spinning her (and himself) the same lines he spun me. Difference is, she seems to be biting on them - I never thought it would be that easy and I always knew it had to come from him.

Before the drink, and before I knew him, it was heroin (he's been off that about seven years*).

He buries the trauma instead of confronting and working through it. He buries and numbs it. The things he says about a new relationship aren't the first step towards escaping his addictions; they're just one more form of them, one more way of trying to run from his demons.

Talking to you is helping me greatly - thank you.

(*ETA: As far as I know he has anyway. But I have some reason to think that he may have relapsed and this might be what all this is about. I am trying not to think that though. I am trying to let that idea go. Because it will eat me alive if I consider it.)