I Just Fired My Daughter's Therapist

[SkellyII]

Things had been going really well since my now 16yr old had received the BPD diagnosis a year and a half ago. We were in group and weekly DBT therapy, and her therapist was a lovely women who was really helping her.

Unfortunately, this therapist quit (health reasons) this past summer right when my daughter came back from spending a month with her udBPD mother.

As it turns out, while she was with her mother, she hadn't been taking her meds, so when she came back to me, the rages and other behaviors were back. She was also having a lot of "false memories", mostly accusing me of saying various non-complimentary things to her, and making false promises. I hadn't see this behaviour before, so I assumed it was a side effect of the med withdrawal. She also claimed that she had been taking her meds regularly, which the nurse-practitioner who monitors her meds proved false by calling the pharmacy while we were in her office, and noting how long it had been since they were refilled. Of course, after being proven wrong, my daughter started saying bad things a bout the nurse-practitioner.

So... we start with this new therapist, a very young lady who to me, seemed too full of herself for her level of experience. I asked to speak with her so that I could give her a heads up about a couple of things that would trigger my daughter and immediately cause her to get shut out, but she refused, saying my daughter is her patient, not me, and she wouldn't meet with me separately. She also told my daughter that she wasn't going to read the notes from the previous therapist, so that they could have a clean start together. In hindsight, I should have ended it right there, . But sadly, I didn't.

OK, fast forward a couple of weeks, I got my balls back and just walked in to this young ladies office and told her that we are going to talk. She backed down and I explained to her my concerns about the meds, and my daughters school performance-my daughter is brilliant, but won't complete her assignments. I also expressed my concerns about the false memories thing, and how it had seemed to start after she returned from spending the month at her mom's house without taking her meds.

Somehow. this lady decided my daughter was ADHD, even though I explained to her that we had suspected that a couple of years back before the BPD diagnosis, so I had her tested. Of course this type of test didn't meet this therapists standards, so she spent the next couple of months trying to convince us that my daughter is ADHD, instead of helping her with her DBT and study skills which the previous therapist had been doing.

Because my daughter kept telling her that the nurse-practitioner refused to change her meds-totally not true, we've been with this lady for 2 1/2 years, and I can't begin to name all of the dosage and med changes she's made for her. I tried to explain to the therapist that this is another of the false memories, but she didn't listen. In the meantime, the false memories thing was getting worse, my daughter kept accusing me of saying mean things to her.

While this was going on, her mother asked me what was our daughter's diagnosis. Hello? I had sent an email to both her(the ex) and her mother(grandma), copies of all of the discharge papers at the time my daughter was diagnosed. I also cc'ed my attorney. After I explained to her the BPD/DBT thing, she asked why it was so important that she master those skills now... .she's only 16!  (Why don't' we have a face-palm emogi?)

She also said that she wasn't comfortable with her daughter taking meds... .hmmn... the depression med my daughter is taking is the same one that her mother is supposed to be taking.

So, after 3 months the therapist decided to bring me in to a session. Basically, it turned into an ambush, I was confronted with the "why did you say this" stuff, for a litany of things I never said, especially the previous conversation I had with my daughter about her learning to drive. I had supposedly worked it out with her mother earlier in the year that she wasn't ready until she matures more. So of course the ex recently told her that she would teach her how to drive, but she had to get my permission. (She always dumps stuff in my lap like that so she doesn't have to take the blame for saying no). I told my daughter she wasn't going to be able to learn until she matures, and I pointed out that that include helping out around the house, and turning in her school work.

Of course my daughters version was that said that she had to get her  ___ together,and it soo upset her that I said that. Of course the therapist assumed that my daughter was telling the truth about that and a few other things she brought up.

And then... .the final straw. My daughter had told her how great and wonderful her mother was (She left out the part where she lets her stay up all night, doesn't bug her about her school work, no chores and doesn't make her take her meds), so the therapist said why don't you go live with your mom? Both my daughter and i were stunned... .remember this chick is the  Einstein that refused to read her file.

We explained to this therapist that I have custody because her mother is dual-diagnosis,  mental issues plus substance abuse, and for the first 4 months of this year, she hadn't even picked my daughter up for visitation. So she said that that's OK, people change, and the court probably shouldn't have a problem with that.

That was the end of the session, I fired her when the office manager returned my call the next day. For some reason, he didn't seem surprised.

There's actually more to it than that, but I can only type so long.

My daughter spent a few days over Christmas with her mother, and had 2-3 meltdowns, so her mother decided that maybe she should start monitoring her meds, now that she got the brunt of her anger for a change.

BTW: Her mother said that the false memory thing wasn't caused by the med withdrawal, she's actually been doing that for years... thanks for holding that nice  little piece of information. She also never warned me about the dissociation thing, it's pretty shocking the first time you see it.

To make a long story short (too late for that   we're starting with a new therapist on Thursday, and I'm interviewing a case manager tomorrow.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Skelly and wow is about all I can say.  How frustrating.

Obviously it is a good thing you are changing therapists and starting with a new one.  I hope the new one works better for the both of you and will listen and pay attention to your D's documented history. 

Let us know how you make out with the case manager tomorrow and new therapist on Thursday.

 

[wendydarling]

This one Skelly?

Skelly I'm glad you had a good DBT therapist experience prior to this fiasco and were making progress. You can get back on track and I think, yes go with your gut instinct you know your DD better than anyone.

What happens when your DD disassociates? I've been reading about this since my DD had a dissociative amnesia episode last October that rightly frightened her witless there are many kinds and she's yet to properly sit down with a therapist to explore.

Are you getting out and about for yourself, some normality for you?

WDx

[RedRyder]

SkellyII: Gosh! You've been through a nightmare! That therapist was totally irresponsible! And supporting a change of custody is shocking, really inappropriate. Good for you for cutting her loose. For real, better luck with the next T. --RR

[Only Human]

Hi Skelly 

I'm so sorry to hear of what's gone on with your DD's previous therapist, finding a "good one" can take some time. Especially when dealing with BPD behaviors!

You are doing a great job advocating for your DD, doing all you can to ensure the best possible treatment. Keep up the good work, Skelly!

~ OH

[SkellyII]

What happens when your DD disassociates? I've been reading about this since my DD had a dissociative amnesia episode last October that rightly frightened her witless there are many kinds and she's yet to properly sit down with a therapist to explore.

Are you getting out and about for yourself, some normality for you?

WDx

The first time that I saw was when she got out of bed late one night and came downstairs. She was speaking in more of a little girl's voice, and was sitting on the floor and talking gibberish about wizards. I just pegged it to sleepwalking at the time.

The next time was a few months later during what I describe as "The Summer of Hell". We were sitting at the dinner table, and she started acting a little erratic and started speaking in a strange deeper voice. I can't remember all she said, but she did remark on how having an alcoholic and mentally ill mother can have an effect on a girl, something she had always denied before.

A week later, after some really trying episodes, she came into my bedroom where I was sitting on a chair, something she hasn't done since her and my son were little and would jump on the bed. She then proceeded to tell me, again in the deep voice, how many ways she had figured out how to kill herself.

This reminded me of a scene from a movie I saw about 20 years ago. I sent this link to my DD's mother and grandmother... .their reaction was yeah, we've seen that behaviour before... but they never warned me about it.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXp7Wk-_de0

She settled down after that, school started, things seemed to be going well, then she made her second attempt. When she was in the hospital, they diagnosed her with BPD, severe depression, severe anxiety and dissociative disorder.

They changed her meds, so far I have't seen it since.

[Harri]

Hi SkellyII.

Those are some scary incidents that you describe.  My mom would do similar so I can sort of understand how it feels, though I imagine there is a whole bunch of grief in there for you as she is your daughter.    

I hope tomorrow goes well for the both of you. 

[wendydarling]

SkellyII, thanks for sharing, that's good you've not seen since the meds were changed, it is scary what you describe. We believe the event in October was also due to meds, reduction by 50%, combined with stress in DD's case. Yesterday she returned from visiting a friend and their family for a week.  DD said she dissociated (zoned out) for a whole morning, where she had to go out with them, weird experience though managed it. What she did share is the family are 'intense' and there is a lot of conflict between two sisters, so in that sense my DD is learning what the triggers to disassociation might be.

Hope your meetings went well, my DD is also 'looking' for a new therapist, next step.

WDx

[SkellyII]

Haven't been on much lately, but thought I should provide an update.

My daughter has been seeing the new therapist for a little over a month now. She likes her, which is always a good thing. Last week I went in and spoke with her one on one. This new one is somewhat older, has been practicing for a while and really seems to know her way around BPD and DBT. Unlike the last one, she read my daughter's file and knows what's been going on.

She was able to answer my questions, addressed my immediate concerns and provided me with contacts in our community for genetic testing for meds, support groups, and a therapist for me who has worked with parents of BPD adolescents.

Basically, she provided me with more information (and hope) in 40 minutes than I received from the previous lady in 6 months under her care.

[mggt]

Hi. So glad you found a new therapist and so far so good. With our dd  we went through many many therapist.  Half of them or more needed there own therapist. What I found helpful was listen to your gut and instinct. One day at a time. This disease. Effects the whole family. This site helps us all. Sending hugs and prayers.

[wendydarling]

Skellyl

Yes! Back on track. She sounds super experienced and your DD is taking to her. She is supporting you too.

How did you find her?

So true mggt go with our gut feeling, good to hear from you, we miss you.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SkellyII]

Hi Wendydarling

We have a practice in our city that specializes in treating BPD, we were originally referred to this practice by the therapist that was treating her after her mother's last suicide attempt. He also handled the court-ordered sessions with my daughter and her mother, which was required before they could be alone together. At the time she didn't have the BPD diagnosis, but he recommended we go there because he felt that she needed more intense therapy than he could provide.

Our first therapist there was fantastic, but she left after a year or so due to health problems. The therapist I fired was with the same practice as well as the new one that seems to be working out.

I had been working on a Plan B. The counties in our state have a mental health program, and they provide services such a medications, therapy and a case manager. A friend of a friend in the next county over has a 10 year old daughter with similar, but more severe issues, and the three-pronged approach has been beneficial to her, so I thought that I would give it a try.

We went through the intake procedure, and my daughter received the required "Serious Emotional Disturbance" designation, which supposedly qualifies her for all services from the county. I say supposedly, because while the people who did the intake exams gave her that designation, the therapist they assigned her said that she wasn't bad enough to require a case manager.

I'm in the process of fighting to get a case manager, and we won't be using the therapist supplied by the county since the new one at the specialized center is working out.

I did move her medications to the county Psychiatrist, where we just did the genetic testing to try and get her on more targeted meds.

As always, I'm hopeful.

[Mr. Dake]

I'd love for our daughter to have  case manager versus we're her  case manager.  A good case manager like I was when that was my job.   I worked with mentally ill adults in supported housing and with homeless veterans.  When we were receiving wrap around services, the program manager said that I'd be a good counselor in the program with my lived experience.  No, I really wouldn't!  They did get us into equine assisted therapy 8 years ago which I has been very good for our daughter.     

[wendydarling]

Hi SkellyII

Thanks for the update, you're doing a great job advocating for your DD, she'll learn a lot from you for when she has to advocate for herself. And the more positive experiences she has with the medical professionals the more she’ll be able to recognise what works for her as she progresses, well that is what my DD is learning. I hope your appeal for a case manager is successful and the genetic test helps target the meds. It is a ‘fight’, well it’s made to feel like that, I spent months and months calling the Head of MT to find out where my DD was on the 12 month waiting list for DBT (to ensure she was not forgotten) this was when she was very ill. No stone unturned!

As always, I'm hopeful.

Exactly.

Dake you made me smile 

No, I really wouldn't

. Is that a polite thank you, I've enough on my plate. I'm glad the equine assisted therapy helped your DD, are horses/equines still in her life?

WDx