Just learned of death in husband’s family which occurred 6 months ago.

[Learnnow]

I have learned a lot here during this past year.  I am dealing with a recent twist.  I have just learned that my husband’s uncle died last fall.  This is a kind man and his wife is lovely.  

I was warmly welcomed into his family more than 30 years ago.    It was different from my family (more formal), and I was welcomed.  His family is much smaller than mine, and both FIL and MIL have now died. (We lived in the same metropolitan area, and we enjoyed a lot of casual time together.  Those relationships were close, easy and adult.)

BACKGROUND  

There was a rupture in his FOO before I ever met him, and his brother and sister-in-law reconnected with the family after an approx 6 year absence right around the time of my marriage.  I have never known the cause of the rupture, and there has been tension between them and my SIL.  This undercurrent has been consistent.  I have puzzled over it, and I have assumed that I will just never know.  I have been practicing radical acceptance for decades without using that phrase.  I took everyone as I found them, focused on the present, and acknowledged that we didn’t have to agree in order to get along.

After the death of his parents (years apart), contact with his extended family has diminished.  There is natural deminishment in catact, and then there’s the current circumstance.  We don’t review the obituaries regularly, and we were unaware that his uncle was injured or that he subsequently died.  

I have sent a card, but it seems so inadequate.   I have spoken with one of the cousins who has told me that uncle X had reached out to BPDSIL, received no response, and was hurt by that.  This is a painful thought to me.  BPDSIL is currently undergoing treatment and has been focused on that for a few years now.  During her times in hospitals and treatment centers, she has not physically had access to her phone for stretches of time.  She is receiving ECT currently.  I am assuming that she did not withhold notification of the uncle’s death from us, but I am confused.

More radical acceptance.  Kind uncle has died.  Now widowed aunt was probably hurt by silence from my husband and me.  I am contacting her now.  (Cousin stated that uncle was hurt.  I am assuming that aunt was as well.  I am certain that she is grieving the loss of her husband, and I sorry that our ignorance may have contributed to her pain.)

I am choosing to have my individual relationships with my in-law family.  This is so odd.

I have read posts from others in similar situations that seemed intentional.  For my husband and myself, this was completely unintentional.  I do not know if my husband’s sister or brother are aware of their uncle’s death.  I do not know if they intentionally excluded us. 

I do assume that everyone is doing the best they can.  I am confused about my role in this situation.  I have never written so many I statements in a single writing.  I am writing like Joe Friday about a very painful and confusing topic.

[Harri]

Hello.   

I am so sorry for you loss and all of the questions surrounding it.  It is a difficult situation to be in for sure. 

I think reaching out to the aunt is a great idea.  Have you thought about what you will write or say?   The only thought i have is to say what you mean in the best way you can and then it is up to her if she wants to accept it.  You know your silence was not intentional and it sounds like the aunt is aware of the family situation as well.