Proactive behaviors that help your relationship?

[Step3]

My ex responded to a message I sent saying there's more I need to understand (about what I'm not doing to help her feel safe)

What are some examples you all have used successfully to help your partner feel safe?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Step3,

What was the response?

In text form it's so difficult. I still keep not JADEING in mind and try to stick with SET, in person it's different, texting is tough because you want to sound soo sincere sometimes a pwBPD may see it as a humouring or something that has the opposite effect.

Did I not answer your question?  I think not.

[Step3]

She wants me to know why she broke up with me and says it's because of how I went off on her through text. I was mad, I didn't verbally abuse her but I did tell her I'm tired of her hanging breakups over my head, that God forbid I don't do life the way she does, that I'm an individual and she only likes me when I'm doing things her way, that I feel free not even wanting to see her and that it's not ok to text me at 3 am to break up. Especially when I have to be at work. I told her she crosses my boundaries by intruding and expecting me to do things her way... I'll look up jadeing and set. I have a chance now to talk to her about what I said, I'm just nervous to make it worse.

[Sandb2015]

Step3,

Don't be nervous, do the best you can with your best heart and mind, be sincere.  We get nervous because we want to somehow illicit a positive response.  Just let it fly.

Is it closure or a possible reconnect that you are wanting, they are very different words...

[Step3]

I want a reconnect.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Step3

You are already on your way to reconnect if she's talking to you

I would suggest that now is not the time to talk about the things that are bothering you. The behaviours you mention and your feelings about them are valid but they're better addressed when your relationship is going well and you can discuss them one at a time, calmly and with love.

For now, let her talk and try to hear the feelings behind the words.

  My ex responded to a message I sent saying there's more I need to understand (about what I'm not doing to help her feel safe) 

"I want to understand. Help me... what are some things you would like me to do?" would be a good response.

Skills like don't JADE and how to use SET are really useful. You'll find them under the "Tools" button at the top of the page - as well as other essential knowledge and articles.

Good luck and keep us posted!
SaM

[Sandb2015]

Step3,

I feel you, as SunandMoon said, there is a reconnect.  Small baby steps, positive ones, don't be discouraged by the things that bring you down, they hold you back from the courage and clarity needed to use the tools.

Forgiveness is key, In my opinion, it's difficult to discuss the things that bother you with someone that can't see them at all. 

I can let things go for a bigger idea and will reinforce why.  Not everyone can do that and it's not for everyone to do.

If you can genuinely let things go and they won't haunt you, your heart and mind may have more space for a positive and realistic approach...

Please share what brings you down, your worries, fears...sometimes letting them out gives them wings to fly away.

[Step3]

Hello Sandb and Sunandmoon,

I asked her to help me understand, that I want to and I want to make it work. She said she's referring to everything I've said to her since our argument which was the frustrations I expressed. I took a while to respond but eventually did. I acknowledged I was wrong to have an outburst and sorry that I did. I offered solutions like waiting until I'm calm to express frustrations and also waiting until she's ready to hear them. I did tell her I've just wanted more closeness and trust for us and that some things I've mentioned were to include her in my inner world so we can have strong trust and emotional intimacy. I put myself in her shoes and said that after doing that I can see what she needs from me to feel safe. There's more to it, I'm just giving you guys the short version so I don't make this too long.

I told her what I'm hearing from her end and asked her if I understand correctly. I took responsibility for my role in what happened the night we disagreed and I acknowledged that my text outbursts are a broken promise to not go off on text ever again. That when I do that, for her it feels as I'm keeping things to myself then letting them out after the fact which feels like I'm blaming her. 

Sandb, letting things go is very helpful and I'll use that for sure. It makes sense how that helps for seeing things more positively.

Sunandmoon- yeah, it's a road to reconnect and I'm worried I've said the wrong things but I spoke from my heart and it's all I can do.

I haven't heard back from her yet.  I want to so bad.

[Sandb2015]

Step3,

Try not to apologize too much.  Think JADE, read it over and over, our first impulse is to want to explain or justify.

Again, texts are difficult, on the phone or in person, listening and hearing the feelings of the pwBPD using different filters "hear the feelings", strange, I know.  If I'm not mistaken, validation of a pwBPD comes more from listening to them and validating, SET.

Pouring your heart out and using the kindest rationale is our first instinct when our hearts crave something back.  Keep "that" idea within you heart for you for now.

[Sandb2015]

The waiting...getting your own validation, that's a great cause of anxiety for sure.  Relax, you can't control this and worrying, wanting, stressing won't make things happen, try to let go of holding on so tightly.

She will get back to you.  Best to let go of any expectations in a good way.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best...


I woke up with my heart intact, I'm grateful, it's been a while.  I'm grateful for my big heart that will never change, a fault, flaw to some, one of my best qualities that I cherish and won't take for granted.

For today, I'm wholehearted.  Amazing under my current circumstances.