Part 2: I want to share my personal list (of red flags) to you

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.new#new

Hello all,
it's been a while since I posted here and I am sorry it took so long! I am absolutely glad that my list reached so many people. We all can see through your responses that it must be a crazy pattern and you are not alone. What's interesting to me is that most of the people here seems to have only 75% if her behavior, which leads me to the conclusion that she is either more a pathological BPD with narcissism in it or just overall a really bad person. Anyway I got some news - bad ones first: It is not clearly better, I still miss her and think a lot about her, day in, day out. I make personal progress with self reflection and self recovery, but of course, I am still addicted and Trauma bonded, especially after seeing her car today gave me an anxiety attack again.
But good news is that I know for sure that she has not changed.
I am still NC, but have been bumping into her many times.
Three encounters are quite symbolic for her BPD and her missing ability to change.

1. I saw her on a fair in my town, where the whole population goes and it was 100% sure that we will see eachother. As predicted: On the morning of the fair she posted a story on Instagram, I checked it out and I said to my friends: "She is coming to me this eveneing and will ask me 'why are you checking the IG stories of me and my friends?'". And guess what happened? Yes. I was so wasted and drunk, but I somehow trained the answer before the evening and told her that I do not want to speak with her. She than said stop stalking me and I asked: "why don't you just block me or put your account on private?" After which she left speachless with her friend (of course with her friend, she still can do nothing alone.) I must hurt her really bad with these words. Soon after it I stood in big groups and she could have passed me somewhere else, because there was so much space, but she passed by me really close two times. And that one was predictable too, she went to a bar after that, found three guys to make a selfie with them for her IG story. I blocked her after that, but found out that after my blocking she just posted only 3 stories in 3 months. Interesting. Before that sometimes two stories a week, but after I blocked her and she had no control over me, she lost interest in it. Oh my.

2. I went to some sort of a club and she was there. I bumped into her a day earlier at the supermarket by accident (could not see her car outside, otherwise I would have gone elsewhere) and she was neutral and ignorant. Than the evening at the club. I saw her and she had to repress her laugh and talked to her friend about me after which she turned towards me. Well I ignored it and stayed cold as ____. I was going confident to the dancefloor and guess what happened after I was there? She joined me with her friend two minutes afterwards and began to be smiling the whole evening and danced really wild and appeared really happy all the time. (Srsly, which person looks hapy and cheerish the whole evening?) Well her friend startet to push her back against mine to provoke me, but I stayed calm and talked to some girls in our group. What happened afterwards? She talked to a guy, who was not really good looking and would have been too chubby for her a year ago, but hey, she got his number.
Well I changed my location and danced somewhere else and after she was dancing all the time, suddenly I saw her, chatting with someone online and I told my best friend that she is planning something (to hurt me). Guess what happened? After I came back from toilet she began to dance with a guy really close. Interesting was the fact that a friend of this guy tried to seperate the two and really wanted him to stop dancing with her (which is weird, if I am dancing close with a girl, none of my friends would stop me, there would be no reason for it). she came closer and closer to me and made it out with him and what did I do? I just smiled and laughed it away. I could have kicked her in the face or could have looked neutral or sad and angry, but no. It destroyed me and the whole week after it I was down, but no. I did not want to give her the victory. I left soon afterwards, but what I did recognise is that she became more chubby. I don't have anything against fat people, but if someones becoming chubbier, the person might have some eating problem and is not really lucky.

3. Bumped again into her at the supermarket. Found out that she had a new car. She saw me and had to repress her laughter, really crazy and scary. She turned her head towards me while she was packing her shopping in the bag and she still had to repress her laughter and smiled all the time, but I remained stonecold and did not even look at her. She left than and turned her head towards me again while leaving with another guy and as they were on the parking zone the guy turned his head towards the supermarket, so she badmouthed me to him too.

I was devastated after that too, she had a new car, always new guys, after all she had done. But that has nothing to say. She is just high functioning, not more, not less.

What really drives me crazy is the repressed laughter or the smile. I just ask myself what are you laughing or smiling about? That you hurt me and nearly drove me crazy? Or do you fake your smile to show me, how f*cking happy you are? And why are you still trying to hurt me and make me jealous after you left me and told me after two weeks that you are happier than ever because you deleted me from your life? What have I done to you that you are still trying to hurt me after more than one year? Yes I ignored a few charm attempts, but this is not a reason to hurt me. And these charm attempts, where all about her and what she needs and wants and what she is bothered about. Not about how I feel, how I am, how my life looks like. She is not interested in me or my person, but I am good enough to be abused. Aha.

[guilttripped9000]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.new#new

Hello all,
it's been a while since I posted here and I am sorry it took so long! I am absolutely glad that my list reached so many people. We all can see through your responses that it must be a crazy pattern and you are not alone. What's interesting to me is that most of the people here seems to have only 75% if her behavior, which leads me to the conclusion that she is either more a pathological BPD with narcissism in it or just overall a really bad person. Anyway I got some news - bad ones first: It is not clearly better, I still miss her and think a lot about her, day in, day out. I make personal progress with self reflection and self recovery, but of course, I am still addicted and Trauma bonded, especially after seeing her car today gave me an anxiety attack again.
But good news is that I know for sure that she has not changed.
I am still NC, but have been bumping into her many times.
Three encounters are quite symbolic for her BPD and her missing ability to change.

1. I saw her on a fair in my town, where the whole population goes and it was 100% sure that we will see eachother. As predicted: On the morning of the fair she posted a story on Instagram, I checked it out and I said to my friends: "She is coming to me this eveneing and will ask me 'why are you checking the IG stories of me and my friends?'". And guess what happened? Yes. I was so wasted and drunk, but I somehow trained the answer before the evening and told her that I do not want to speak with her. She than said stop stalking me and I asked: "why don't you just block me or put your account on private?" After which she left speachless with her friend (of course with her friend, she still can do nothing alone.) I must hurt her really bad with these words. Soon after it I stood in big groups and she could have passed me somewhere else, because there was so much space, but she passed by me really close two times. And that one was predictable too, she went to a bar after that, found three guys to make a selfie with them for her IG story. I blocked her after that, but found out that after my blocking she just posted only 3 stories in 3 months. Interesting. Before that sometimes two stories a week, but after I blocked her and she had no control over me, she lost interest in it. Oh my.

2. I went to some sort of a club and she was there. I bumped into her a day earlier at the supermarket by accident (could not see her car outside, otherwise I would have gone elsewhere) and she was neutral and ignorant. Than the evening at the club. I saw her and she had to repress her laugh and talked to her friend about me after which she turned towards me. Well I ignored it and stayed cold as ____. I was going confident to the dancefloor and guess what happened after I was there? She joined me with her friend two minutes afterwards and began to be smiling the whole evening and danced really wild and appeared really happy all the time. (Srsly, which person looks hapy and cheerish the whole evening?) Well her friend startet to push her back against mine to provoke me, but I stayed calm and talked to some girls in our group. What happened afterwards? She talked to a guy, who was not really good looking and would have been too chubby for her a year ago, but hey, she got his number.
Well I changed my location and danced somewhere else and after she was dancing all the time, suddenly I saw her, chatting with someone online and I told my best friend that she is planning something (to hurt me). Guess what happened? After I came back from toilet she began to dance with a guy really close. Interesting was the fact that a friend of this guy tried to seperate the two and really wanted him to stop dancing with her (which is weird, if I am dancing close with a girl, none of my friends would stop me, there would be no reason for it). she came closer and closer to me and made it out with him and what did I do? I just smiled and laughed it away. I could have kicked her in the face or could have looked neutral or sad and angry, but no. It destroyed me and the whole week after it I was down, but no. I did not want to give her the victory. I left soon afterwards, but what I did recognise is that she became more chubby. I don't have anything against fat people, but if someones becoming chubbier, the person might have some eating problem and is not really lucky.

3. Bumped again into her at the supermarket. Found out that she had a new car. She saw me and had to repress her laughter, really crazy and scary. She turned her head towards me while she was packing her shopping in the bag and she still had to repress her laughter and smiled all the time, but I remained stonecold and did not even look at her. She left than and turned her head towards me again while leaving with another guy and as they were on the parking zone the guy turned his head towards the supermarket, so she badmouthed me to him too.

I was devastated after that too, she had a new car, always new guys, after all she had done. But that has nothing to say. She is just high functioning, not more, not less.

What really drives me crazy is the repressed laughter or the smile. I just ask myself what are you laughing or smiling about? That you hurt me and nearly drove me crazy? Or do you fake your smile to show me, how f*cking happy you are? And why are you still trying to hurt me and make me jealous after you left me and told me after two weeks that you are happier than ever because you deleted me from your life? What have I done to you that you are still trying to hurt me after more than one year? Yes I ignored a few charm attempts, but this is not a reason to hurt me. And these charm attempts, where all about her and what she needs and wants and what she is bothered about. Not about how I feel, how I am, how my life looks like. She is not interested in me or my person, but I am good enough to be abused. Aha.

[Eleven011]

Not Sure if anyone has mentioned this before - but NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is often co-morbid with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  I don't find that "mirroring" is a BPD trait especially - my BPD husband did it *only* when he was love-bombing someone - but at no other time did he do this.  While love-bombing - sure, yes - oh absolutely 100% yes.  Other times?  meh.  nope.

But lots and lots of traits you described sounded like a mix between NPD and BPD.  Just a thought...

I'm not sure what the percentage is... but if you read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - it talks about that.

I could relate to a lot of what you were saying here re: my partner... not my BPD husband so much for many things (unless he was flirting with someone online when we were split up and trying to make himself appealing on online dating profiles) - but for my ex who seemed to be a covert-narcissist (or at least quacked like a duck) and for my father who had an official NPD diagnosis - then yes - oh definitely YES!

[WindofChange]

Hi Guilttripped, thank you for posting the red flags list. I'm sure it's been hard running into your ex like that and seeing her act so bizarrely.
My exBPDbf has many of those same traits you listed. He is a waif, as well. I guessed this a year or so ago, but not long ago he told me his T told him that as well.  His anger is often (not always) turned inward, and the guilt, sadness, always a victim, then being passive-aggressive, vindictive and accusing and paranoid, lying...well, too much to go into. Allowing others to give him money since he's unemployed (yeah, I did this, too).
Yet after 6 1/2 years together (broke up last spring and then reconciled from August until a week ago), although I know it's the right thing for it to be over, I am struggling with the emotional fallout again (as I did last summer). It's hard not to check social media (although he blocked me on some things), it's hard not to wonder how he is doing, if he's already working on seeing someone else. It's freaking hard to just let go and move on. I miss the incredible physical connection we had, not just sex but even just cuddling or kissing. I still find him so attractive and still have such strong feelings for him. I agree with the trauma bonding, I think there is some of that with me. It's effing crazy to me, and I hate it. I want to just be over him and move on with my life. I'm trying, but this sadness is awful. It makes me angry. I worked out last night until I was worn out, then thought on the way home, why do I not feel any better?
I guess there's just no rushing it. It helps to read that many of us are in the same boat, and reading posts from those who've gone through it and come out the other side is encouraging.  So thankful for this site!

[Discarded718]

Red Flags I've experienced with a my now ex male BPD (undiagnosed).

1. Complained about his job day in and day out (he's a software engineer) and claimed his co-workers excluded him on purpose. He was forced to switch teams, and he claimed his one new teammate was out to get him fired.
2. Always slept in, never made it to work on time and left work early. Complained about how hard he worked every single day. Most weekends, he slept until 5:00 p.m.
3. Spoke about physical and verbal abuse from his father, but if I made a comment about getting help for the abuse, he would always say, "my father was a good man, you don't know my father."
4. His ex-girlfriend was still in the picture. He never really got over her, he let her call him non-stop on her terms to talk about her sex life and her insistence that they stay friends. When I've asked him repeatedly to cut her out of his life for the sake of his sanity and for our relationship, he refused.
5. Every time he went to go hang out with said ex-girlfriend - who by the way - is the only "friend" he had - if I got suspicious, he called me "crazy," "irrational," "childish," "insecure." He made plans with her behind my back several times - and he never planned anything for us.
6. He's threatened to shoot himself in the head and commit suicide, told me he hates himself and has no will to live. I've seen him spray Axe in his eyes, attempt to light his sleeves on fire, held a knife to his wrist, bash himself on the head with dumbbells and bash his head against his headboard. I've seen him smash glass, throw things, curse at people, and lastly, he smashed glass right by my sprained foot.
7. He drives drunk, often. His alcohol tolerance is quite high.
8. He claims that people on the road are evil and they're all out to get him and kill him. He plays these dangerous games of tailing drivers, shining hi-beams on them, cutting them off, driving on the shoulder, brake-checking them, and driving super slow, and he says it is all their fault.
9. He would call me to complain for two hours at a time, but if I wanted to speak, he couldn't wait to get off the phone.
10. He loved to block my phone number on a consistent basis.
11. He dragged me out to late-night dinners because of insomnia, always asked for my help on every little task, always relied on me to make plans. When I got on his case for not making plans, one of the last times I saw him, he mocked me and turned around and said, "I don't see you making plans for us as of late."
12. His apartment was a consistent mess
13. He was hyper focused on four things: Poker (not gambling with real money - but the strategy behind it), Airplanes, Video Games, Joel Osteen and other Southern/Midwest pastors - he recited scripture often but never applied scripture practically or really understood what it meant to be a Christian
14. I led him to get help from my Pastor, but all he did was mock my Pastor behind his back and bash him, and when my Pastor spoke about certain subjects for various sermons, he always accused my Pastor of directing the sermon at him.
15. Every single time I would insist that we break up or go NC for a while, he manipulated me and promised me he would do better and that he would try to gain my trust back. He never did better, in case you were wondering. Things progressively got worse.
16. If I was mad at him, he would try to use sex as a way to put a blanket on our problems. Or he would randomly show up at my house without my consent.
17. He says that the world is evil and there is no good in this world.
18. I went out of my way to make his birthday special - bought him a cake from a bakery an hour away, set up a woodworking class for us, took us to a restaurant where it is impossible to get reservations, and I bought him a brand new Fender guitar. I bought him a guitar, because he smashed two of his guitars in anger a couple of weeks prior. A week later, he made plans with his ex to go out to dinner with her, see a jazz concert with her, and go have drinks with her because she was "going through a break up and needed him to be a friend to her." He was supposed to be on NC with her. He lied that he wasn't talking to her again. He met my parents a few days before he went out with her, knowing that this plan was already in place. I asked him if there was a reason he shouldn't meet my parents and he said no. That day, he blocked my number and threatened to put me in jail because I insisted on going to his place to talk about things. The day after, he called me the devil and a horrible person and that he wants nothing to do with me - when I cornered him and asked him where he was, once the truth came out, he turned around and physically restrained me from leaving his place and insisted over and over, "I love you, don't go." Once I refused his advances, he cursed at me to get out of his apartment and threw things.
19. We have been on NC for over two weeks now - the last conversation we had, he told me that all I do is suffocate and torture him and that I "destroyed any chances" of us getting back together by nagging him. He told me that he is not in love with me and that he feels sorry for me and that I have no self-respect.
20. He contacted one of my friends to have lunch with him - he reached out initially to give a guitar that my friend lent him back, but he also asked him to have lunch. My friend agreed, and my friend told me that soon as they met up, my ex asked how I was doing and if I was okay. Then he unloaded on my friend about how bad his life is going, but didn't really mention me otherwise.

It seems like whether you are male or female, the symptoms are pretty similar. Mine might be a pwBPD mixed with Asperger's. We haven't blocked each other's numbers or anything, but based on #20, should I worry about future contact if I am most likely out of the devaluation phase?

[Eleven011]

It seems like whether you are male or female, the symptoms are pretty similar. Mine might be a pwBPD mixed with Asperger's. We haven't blocked each other's numbers or anything, but based on #20, should I worry about future contact if I am most likely out of the devaluation phase?

My experience is that they (whether BPD or someone with BPD traits) will *always* boomerang back and try to get you back in their lives at some point or another - or they will contact you just to brag or say that they don't need you or whatever.  If he is out of your life and given the list you included here - I would *not* assume he is just out of your life for good.  Whenever there is back-and-forth like this and this much manipulation and control tactics - the one who is doing all this will most definitely want to do a final curtain-call or come back later in a "just checking" sort of way - but usually with an ulterior motive or because they want and/or need some kind of validation.

Interesting that your partner was a software engineer -- same with my husband.  hmm... same with some of the other points too.  I was half-convinced it was the same guy 'till it got to his likes and interests.  Makes me wonder if personality disorders are common for software engineers - but I know that's kind of silly... probably BPD is all over the map as far as professions is concerned.

[Discarded718]

Thank you for your thoughts, and I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. It's really sad, because we think that we're just here to have a healthy relationship and to love someone fully, and we get more than we bargained for. I feel like for the past year or so, all I've been trying to do is put out a fire each day. The worst part about it all is that we now have to examine ourselves and figure out if there is something wrong with us, i.e. codependent. I have read articles that there is a good percentage of software engineers that are diagnosed with Asperger's, but I'm not sure how intense the studies are on people in this career. It would make sense. My ex has a brilliant mind, graduated top of his class in HS, went to a very reputable university, works for a great company. But he needs constant validation - a word that you threw out there that seems to ring true for those with BPD. The problem is that every time someone has suggested he get help, he thinks about it, agrees, and then the next day, he'll turn around and say, there is nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else that has problems.

[Jbombjas]

Holy cow! Mines a software engineer too. High school dodo ojt supposedly.