Should I tell my child of her diagnosis?

[RoyD]

I am wondering if anybody has any perspective on this question.  My child has been diagnosed with BPD and I was wondering if I should let her know about this and, if so, how to approach it with her. 

I'm afraid my child will react negatively and tell me that I'm just attacking her or trying to make her feel bad.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Welcome RoyD. It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. You have come to the right place for help and support. Can you say more that will help us help you? How old is your daughter? How did the diagnosis come about? I look forward to hearning more from you. For now simply know there is hope.

[RoyD]

She was diagnosed about two years ago by a psychiatrist and psychologist.  She is 17.  After hitting puberty, her behavior became highly oppositional and prone to explosions.  Two week-long stays in the psych ward following cutting her wrists.  False accusations of abuse and a DYFS investigation.  She says she hates her mother, me and her sister and never misses an opportunity to remind us through words and actions.  Becomes assaultive, spits in people's faces, steals our credit card nos whenever she can.  We're all traumatized.  I'm giving serious consideration to evicting her after she turns 18...even before she is done with high school.  Disappears for days when school is out and won't always tell us where she is.  Vaping, drinking.  Barely functioning in school, but she now has an IEP.  She is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and her mother and I also go to therapy to understand how to deal with her.  She refuses to engage in DBT.   The entire parade of horribles.

All that said, she has made some small progress lately.  She has been a little more respectful around the house, tells us where she is when she disappears, has registered for the SAT and expresses an interest in going to college.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for painting more of  a picture of what is going on with your  daughter. If it's any consolation it is a very familiar story. You are definitely not alone. You asked  whether you should tell your daughter about her BPD diagnosis. Do you think perhaps she already knows? Maybe the psychologist or psychiatrist she saw told her? If she already knows DBT treatment is recommended I suspect she already connected the dots. But if not, what would be the value of conversation? I am not totally sure and I hope others will weigh in.My son24 knows his diagnosis because the psychiatrist who made it told him. We have talked about it but he struggles with the label.

[once removed]

hi RoyD, i want to join FaithHopeLove and say

certainly, there are pros and cons to telling your daughter about her diagnosis. have you discussed doing so with the psychiatrist or psychologist? they can likely help guide you through telling your daughter, if you do decide to.

you mentioned that theres progress lately, and thats a good sign! are there ways you can build on it? positive reinforcement?

[wendydarling]

Hi RoyD  

I join FHLKC and once removed welcoming you, though sorry what brings you here and the rollercoaster, trauma and chaos you and your family have experienced through your daughters behaviour.

It's great your daughter is seeing her psychiatrist and psychologist, this is an indication she may accept she needs support, it is her choice. I agree with FHLKC your DD may have joined the dots, BPD, DBT.  A diagnosis of BPD in my personal experience needs delivering by a highly skilled professional working in the field, who can continue the care plan. So yes your daughter may likely add it to her grievances if that is how her BPD/OD presents, 'it is you, not her'. I too am interested others join and share their personal experiences. My DD was diagnosed at 26, she was in crisis, very ill and the diagnosis BPD and co-morbid validated her, she'd known things were not right, the professionals validated her feelings and signposted   DBT, she was ready, determined to get well.

Hello to your wife  

Welcome again, I'm glad you found us.

WDx

[RoyD]

Thanks everyone for the input.   I will discuss it with her therapist.   The therapist mentioned discussing BPD with her, but i’m not sure it was a message clearly delivered—-only because my daughter has never once mentioned it.   

[wendydarling]

Hi RoyD

Good to go back for clarification to your T and understanding this.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy[ Agosognigia and Getting a Loved one into Therapy


Excerpt
What Not To Do

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders.

Let us know how it goes.

WDx

[RoyD]

I guess it depends on the person, but, if they knew of the diagnosis, they could be more mindful of the fact that how they are reacting to other people is not in line with reality.

[livednlearned]

I believe my SD22's brain does not work the same as mine. Her way of constructing reality is different and it is every bit as real to her as mine is to me.

In my reality, there is cause and effect.

In her reality, there is effect and cause.

If she feels a certain way (effect) she scans the environment to find why (cause). She doesn't have a clear sense of self so locating the source of her feelings (cause) is a foreign concept. It feels like people are blaming her for how she feels when it's clear to her that the cause is other people. 

There is no switching back and forth between my way of seeing reality and her way. For that to happen, she will first need to learn how to regulate her intense emotions and calm the chaos enough to learn that there is another way to be.

Do you have any ideas about why there are small signs of progress with her lately? Are you and the family learning helpful ways to interact with her from therapy?

[RoyD]

We have been talking with her therapist every other week to learn how to deal with her.  Whether that is the cause of the improvement, I don't know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders