My BPD daughter rejects offers of financial help for her outpatient therapy

[KeyLock4]

My BPD adult daughter rejects all offers of financial help from my wife and me (a turn around after accepting help).  She refuses to talk any more and demands a "sincerely apology" for my previous suggestion that she consider inpatient therapy.  I told her that I encouraged inpatient therapy because of my observations that she may be addicted to marijuana as well as her self-admitted suffering BPD.  Do I sincerely apologize even though I don't feel I did anything wrong?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Key lock 4.
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. You have come to the right place for help and support. It is very frustrating when our BPD loved ones go on the attack and say unfair and untrue things about us. Unfortunately that is part of the disease. They see people as either all good or all bad, shifting from one to the other. What helps is learning to validate their feelings. There is a good article about that on the top of this page. The key is to validate everything that IS valid in what they are saying even if it is just the fact that they are angry or frustrated. But you don't want to validate the invalid by pretending to agree with them when you don't. So, to answer your question , no. Don't apologize for something you did not do. It will only make things worse. Try instead to learn some ways of communicating better with people who have BPD. There are some great articles and videos on the top of this page. Maybe a good place for you to start would be the article on validation. I hope you will stick around and keep us updated on your progress. Remember you are not alone and things can get better.

[Mirsa]

Hi Keylock4,

Welcome!  I would agree...no to the apology.  In my experience, people with PDs like to make others jump through endless hoops.  Their demands never end.  There is always some imagined slight and the apology, or whatever it is she'll want next, will never be enough.  My daughter went no contact with me a few weeks ago, citing the reason as I apparently hadn't told her that I love and miss her enough in the past few months (after she precipitously moved out of my home, slandered me, etc. etc.).  There is zero consideration for my feelings (or anyone else's of course).   I've come to accept that this is how she is:  basically she claims power in the relationship by always making sure it is on her terms.  This helps her maintain the illusion of control. 

On the other hand, you could try it just for chuckles I guess...go ahead and apologize and see how long it takes her until she comes up with some other demand of your or expectation for how you 'should' act in the relationship.   While I'm at peace with the lack of relationship with my DD, I understand that it can be heart wrenching for many, so maybe a little data collection will help give you a clearer understanding, if you are torn between what your grieving heart wants and what your brain thinks is the truth for you.  It's never easy, so best wishes!