Demand-withdrawal pattern

[snowglobe]

As many of you know, my relationships with uBPDh is plagued by demand/withdrawal pattern. I made a demand to stop/change and he is withdrawing. The most common one is first rage, that in the past Escaladed  to situational violence, following by silent treatment. Last night was not an exception. I finally agreed to sale of the house, under a signed condition that we are immediately buying another matrimonial home and moving. Last night uBPDh came back to find a flyer stuck to the front door. The nature of that print out was “hi, we are a couple looking to buy a home in your neighbourhood (we live in upscale neighbourhood with a good school), we want to save on % going directly, bypassing the realtor, we could both benefit”. UBPDh is very high risk impulsive, demanded I call. When I called I spoke to a man he said the same story. Only adding that he worked in mortgage/finances and knows Realestate. When I hung up I had an uneasy gut feeling of being scammed and played which o conveyed to uBPDh.  By very least it would be a waste of time, people trying to insert themselves by being the middle man, or it could be a part of a bigger fraud, title fraud, robbery, who knows. He sarcastically dismissed me, saying I’m just making things up and we have nothing to loose. I kept on saying that I’m uncomfortable. To do a reality check, I called his friend which is important. If it were my friend, he could say that she was biased, but I chose his friend, who repeated my concerns and said it’s better to use legal route through a realtor instead of cutting corners. When I came to discuss it with unpdh and offered for him to speak to his friend he went into a splitting rage. Profanities, mouth twisting, intimidation techniques, demanding I leave the premises, yelling and screaming. He told me to go upstairs to my bedroom and that I was punished for a month. He didn’t come to bed last night. What I’m concerned about, is that my voice isn’t heard, recognized or validated. He decides and executed his plan. I don’t mind to save money on negotiating a realtor’s Rate as our real estate market is in a poor shape and they sit around without the jobs. Yet, I want to feel protected. I also don’t mind buying without an agent, as long as we do the inspection. Backdrop story: the real reason, as most with BPD stories is emotional one. His mother tried to become realtor 4 times only failing miserably, unwilling to learn and labelling realtors for being scammers, scavengers and a dying out position. He internalized and integrated this view, and now doesn’t want to use the safest and legal route.
Out of this kitchen sink- how do I get my uBPDh to listen and work with me constructively on this one. It’s extremly difficult time and transition, it would be helpful if he was cooperating. I’m starting to adopt a disfunctional stance that I won’t participate, sign, unless he is working with me and my needs/wants. Without me he won’t be able to sell, only through court. I look forward to hearing from you all

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

That's difficult and I think you're absolutely right to go with your gut on this. Keep listening to it. You both could end up very sorry for going down the road your H wants to take.

Other than bringing his friend into it (which your H might have seen as "ganging up" on him -- just speculating), how have you approached it with him. Have you tried using SET methods? Validating his feelings so he's more calm and receptive?

[snowglobe]

Hi Ozzie,
I ended up calling this person back and saying I wasn’t sure the deal with transpire, and that I will let them know should I decide to go through with the sale. I also called by uBPDh and explained that the interested party also owns another home, and they are likely to be interested in a conditional buy upon sale. I told him that we would check in in a few weeks. At this point the only option to avoid conflict is to delay. In two weeks I will have to come up with another plan. This didn’t stop him from splitting on me again this morning. We had a scheduled appointment at the mortgage broker’s office. UBPDh requested to be approved by unreasonably large amount, incongruent with the salaries and mortgage guidelines. He had a minor meltdown at her office saying “I want all or nothing” and stormed out visibly upset. What concerns and worries me is the approach to push for unrealistic expectations. He also has an imaginary number that our mortgage should be at now, without considering how much he brings to the table.