Kitchen sink part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335677.0

Another meltdown last night:
After coming home super agitated, mixed mania symptoms: high energy and very high irritability, sense of grandiosity and invincibility we had a social outing with friends. He proceeded to tell them what an idiot our family doctor is, and explained that the doctor interpreted the tests all wrong and he is super healthy. Our friends remained quit, stunned and in a state of shock. They later asked me, due to his high energy level, if he was abusing the drugs again. I replied that not to my knowledge. After the social evening they wanted to go out to eat. Which didn’t go well with uBPDh, as he tried to stall it (didn’t have his digital scales with him (he doesn’t eat without first weighing the food, then recording it in his phone app, counting and measuring every calorie). He reluctantly went along, we were driving in our car. When we arrived he went to park the car and went missing for 25 min, with parking available all around us. When the friends insisted I call him to check his whereabouts he first didn’t pick up. ten minutes later he answered with yelling and severe cussing. When he came back, he was somber and started criticizing the food calories that we have ordered by then. He refused to eat and sat there looking at us eat and commenting every bite of food. You can imagine the silence took over and uncomfortable feeling took over everyone’s mood. We drove home in silence, and when he came home he took his pillow and the blanket and went to sleep on the couch.
What do I do now? How do I behave? This is a likely “punishment” for not supporting his wishes to go home, and the resentment that we are.
I look forward to hearing from all of you

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335677.0

Another meltdown last night:
After coming home super agitated, mixed mania symptoms: high energy and very high irritability, sense of grandiosity and invincibility we had a social outing with friends. He proceeded to tell them what an idiot our family doctor is, and explained that the doctor interpreted the tests all wrong and he is super healthy. Our friends remained quit, stunned and in a state of shock. They later asked me, due to his high energy level, if he was abusing the drugs again. I replied that not to my knowledge. After the social evening they wanted to go out to eat. Which didn’t go well with uBPDh, as he tried to stall it (didn’t have his digital scales with him (he doesn’t eat without first weighing the food, then recording it in his phone app, counting and measuring every calorie). He reluctantly went along, we were driving in our car. When we arrived he went to park the car and went missing for 25 min, with parking available all around us. When the friends insisted I call him to check his whereabouts he first didn’t pick up. ten minutes later he answered with yelling and severe cussing. When he came back, he was somber and started criticizing the food calories that we have ordered by then. He refused to eat and sat there looking at us eat and commenting every bite of food. You can imagine the silence took over and uncomfortable feeling took over everyone’s mood. We drove home in silence, and when he came home he took his pillow and the blanket and went to sleep on the couch.
What do I do now? How do I behave? This is a likely “punishment” for not supporting his wishes to go home, and the resentment that we are.
I look forward to hearing from all of you

[snowglobe]

What does "impending" sale of the house mean?

Isn't your signature and consent needed?  And..you've said no..right?

A comment about "transactional relationships".  It's not a goal..it's more of a tool.

Simply a way to calm things that seems to work for me.  Once stability is around, perhaps things can happen that move our relationship to a better place. 

Perhaps another way to look at it is I "leave the door open" to healthy behavior.

She is "bad"...I go do something else.

She is "good"...we do things together.

FF

Ff, I said that I would agree to the sale only if we are buying right away. In case he won’t compromise I won’t sign the sale, or won’t take the money from the lawyers trust, and instead file for a protection order. I’m tired of being afraid, at the worst case I will take my half from the sale of this house and go my separate way. I need to start building this idea in his head, that the only way we can be together is when he is nice

[Cat Familiar]

Why even suggest that you're open to selling the house? Should you do that, it requires a lot of cooperation from him. And as you've seen over time, he's not very cooperative.

[boatingwoman]

If the doctor didn’t specifically test him for drugs,  then no drugs would show up in his system. Drugs like cocaine wouldn’t show up after a few hours of use. It’s entirely possible a blood test missed evidence of drug use if he didn’t use drugs that morning.

I agree, it sounds like mania, but I’m also not convinced he isn’t doing drugs.

I would say or do nothing about him sleeping on the couch. So what, who cares?

[Notwendy]

When he came home he took his pillow and the blanket and went to sleep on the couch.
What do I do now? How do I behave?

You don't have to be reactive to his moods. You can go on as usual. This is on him. He acted weird in front of your friends. That's on him. If they think it's strange- then they do. You didn't do this, he did. This is between him and them.

So he's upset and sleeps on the couch. So what? Maybe he needs to calm down. Maybe he's punishing you and maybe this has nothing to do with you. Maybe he's embarrassed. But again- this is a boundary. What he's thinking is his thoughts. Sleeping on the couch isn't the end of the world, or the end of your marriage.

You don't have to do anything because this is his behavior and his thinking. Just go on to do your day like you usually do. It's best to be non-reactive unless something warrants your intervention. This is his issue.

I also agree with boating woman. Drugs don't show up on routine labs like cholesterol and blood sugar. You have to test for them specifically. He could be using them.

[formflier]

Ff, I said that I would agree to the sale only if we are buying right away. In case he won’t compromise I won’t sign the sale, or won’t take the money from the lawyers trust, and instead file for a protection order. I’m tired of being afraid, at the worst case I will take my half from the sale of this house and go my separate way. I need to start building this idea in his head, that the only way we can be together is when he is nice

I've done lots of house buying and selling over the years.  Combining this with what I know of pwBPD in general...and what I know of your situation..I can't imagine this going well.

Perhaps if you buy house 2 first.  Then sell house 1...otherwise, you have contract for house 2..sell house 1.   "Suddenly" a need for money from house 1 shows up...money goes "poof"...house 2 disappears...and if you are lucky...you have half the sale proceeds.

The amount of contracts and lawyer cooperation you would need to protect yourself is massive. 

Your pwBPD will see this as a "line in the sand"..and will "run over it"

What am I missing here?  You don't have to change your world because he wants something...

FF