And another fight, just keep em coming

[isilme]

It’s late, he wanted to be intimate, I apparently did and said the wrong thing so he’s moved to the couch and is storming in and out of the room telling me I’m frigid.  No, just bone tired.  I do all chores, work full time, help him with almost all his tasks, plus keep up with my own.  And I am chronically fatigued.  He may come in, can’t type much, just needed to post. 

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[isilme]

So I am a nag because I made a face/sound he didn't like.  He is so hair trigger these days, it can literally go like last night from 0 to 60 all because I supposedly made a face.  He flipped out Saturday night - he and I invited friends to come over and work on some craft projects.  I thought things were fine, but apparently he was angry after a while they were there, in his way.  I lost track of time, we didn't have them over till almost 9PM, so it was 3AM by the time we realized how late it was - he'd been stewing about none of us knowing what time it was. 

So, they left, and he spent 3am-5: 30 am yelling at me.  Fine.  I apologized, no one any idea they were in his way since he chose to not say anything.  I guess that was nagging, pointing out no one can know things he won't tell them.  I did not think anyone intended to "be in the way".  They figure if he needs a table or a tool, he'd say something. 

Get up about noon Sunday, his mood is surprisingly okay.  We go through the day, the worst part was him being balky about helping me with a grocery list, he "doesn't have time for that".  So we missed the pickup window and he didn't want me to go yesterday in person at all.  So, we are going on week two without me making it to the store, and are out of a lot of things. 

I thought things were okay, even though I was exhausted - I am coming to admit I seem o be fighting more than simply tiredness from lack of sleep (though that doesn't help). I am far too tired all the time, even following a decent night of sleep.  I am still having daily migraine-issues, even if not a full-blown migraine, I sit in prodrome almost daily.  It adds to fatigue, causes visual disturbances, and causes some bad brain fog - I forget things and mix them up when like this.  My annual exam is tomorrow, I will bring it up in addition to the other problems, but my region does not have super doctors and like to simply throw pills at you, so I have little hope they will do much to help.  I've been told it's all part of being 40, but I'm like, this feels far worse than I see other 40 year olds feeling.  So I am either just a really weak person (possible) or it's more than simple mid-life.  I am finally seeing some specialists in the next two weeks to check my lungs and allergies, and verify if I have a lung tumor or not and if I have an immune system or not.  I am off all allergy medications, so my body is an itchy unhappy mess.  I've also lost some hearing in my left ear since February. 

I spent the day working on things he felt were a priority, cooked dinner, we watched a movie, which I had to struggle to stay awake for.  He made some comment that he hoped I'd "saved some energy for him" but I was literally struggling to keep my eyes open.  He went to go get ready for bed, I assume he's as tired as I am, and I go about my night time prep of putting food away, and finally getting laundry put away before the next work week.  We sit, watch a video while the water heater fills back up for me to shower, all seemed well.  I go take my shower, realize I am really more tired than I thought, and that parts of me are tender and sore that means sex is kinda not a top priority.  I go to bed, grab a nightgown, he makes what he claimed was a joking comment about wishing I'd not put on my gown tot the cat.  I can't hear it all, not sure what he said, asked him to repeat it.  He hates repeating himself, does not believe me when I say I literally cannot hear him.  Mistake 1.  He gets pouty, repeats his comment with a sad addendum along the lines of poor him, he doesn't get any (except he did, just the day before, but he'd forgotten... ) and I quickly weighed things, figured it'd be better to just give it a go than have the poutiness turn to anger and rejection, but it was already too late.  Screaming, yelling, threats of getting a hooker, talking about how I'm too frigid, too playful, too fat, must be sleeping around, think I am playing mommy, don't try anymore, he's going to quit his job, he's going to divorce me, all come out.  I was tired.  I am tired of this 0-60 BS.  So I shouted back.  Mistake 2.  I made it all worse. 

I am so tired.  I cannot be the one who has to maintain perfect control of me all the damn time.

He insisted on sleeping on the couch to "take care of himself", insists I tell "all my friends" about his issues, (I don't.  I may mention we had a fight to explain moodiness from him or anxiety from me, but this is my heart-to-heart place) but he caught me once having a text message with his mom when he had a melt down and abandoned me at a store and I was in a bad place and panicked. 

Anyway.  He stayed home this morning, is going to blame me if he gets in trouble at work, but he blames me for everything anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.  I am so freakin' tired.  Two nights robbed of sleep I need so much.  And the sleep I did get was punctuated with fever hot flash night sweats.  I still have the wacky daily fever from Christmas, the one that sent me to the doctor all January and put me on 8 rounds of antibiotics.  I just give up.  I am at work, it's the one place I have to go.  Sad.  He's upset I go to a knitting club once a week.  Swears he's not, but it's abandonment I am sure.  Assumes that 60+-year-old women have nothing better to do than bad mouth men (his assumptions based on how his mom talks are that it is all women do).  So my "wild Tuesday night" of crochet and yarn might need to not happen this week, if I can't get to the store.  He's likely pissed I have a hair appointment tonight, too, if he doesn't make me cancel.  Says I don't try to look nice, but then every damn time I have a hair appointment he flips on me.  Wants me to go to the Walmart salon, sit and wait 4 hours as a walk in for the new hair tech to butcher me... not go to the one hairdresser who knows my hair - likely because she is a friend and he assumes I just tell her all his issues. 

I hate BPD.  It's robbing my life.  He was doing better.  Now, with his constant physical pain plus other physical issues, he is just on edge all the damn time and I can't keep up.  I think the stress alone and negativity is a big factor in my being sick.

Oh, here's a fun thing.  So, for my annual exam, I ask that they do my "lady exam" at the same time, so I only miss one day off work.  He thinks he should be in the room while I have them doing my Pap.     he INSISTS I am in the room for his tests and visits because he can't remember or pay attention to what they are saying. 

[GaGrl]

Have your doctors considered the possibility of auto-immune issues, such as lupus or fibromyalgia, per Epstein-Barr? They are difficult to diagnose. You may need to consult a neurologist.

[isilme]

Gagirl,

They've not considered much.  They started by treating me for a sinus infection, then, pneumonia - made sense, I thought I had walking pneumonia - lingering fever, difficulty breathing, tired.  But none of the antibiotics did a thing.  Bloodwork and more bloodwork, and blood cultures, CT scan, and Chest Xrays were confusingly unhelpful.  The last bloodwork seemed to indicate an exposure at some point to typhoid fever, even though the symptoms don't match, and even that round of antibiotics didn't get rid of the fever.  I learned more about what I don't have (TB, negative, pneumonia, inconclusive, still have antibodies from typhus from when I was 20).  The CT found a nodule in my lower right lung, so I had to have a follow-up x-ray to see if it's growing, meaning cancer.  I might get those results tomorrow. 

I live in a tiny town in South Texas.  We have PAs, not MDs in most clinics.  It's an hour derive one way to the nearest town over and takes 3 months to get into most places to be seen - my appointment next week was made after trying to get referrals to be seen since February.

I've considered Fibro as a possibility, as well as a host of autoimmune, like Lupus.  Basically, after all the reading I need to do to know what questions to ask doctors, migraines are fibro centered mostly in your head.  Many of the symptoms are similar.  I had an online 2nd opinion consult with a doc who was able to go over all my bloodwork and imaging, she thinks I have such uncontrolled allergies (in spite of taking about 5 meds daily for them) that my immune system is toast, and can't fight anything off, so I catch everything around me.  And I work at a college. 

Basically, daily fever can means a few things:
some acute virus/bacterial infection - but that doesn't seem to fit. 
Autoimmune inflammation.  I think this is possible but no idea how to get checked in my area of the country.  Most docs around here, "big city" included, just want to toss pills at you to get you in and out quickly so they can see the next person in the overflowing waiting room.  This can also cover the exhaustion as well as the impossibility for losing weight unless I literally starve myself.  Like under 900-1000 calories a day plus exercise, as if I have the energy for that. 
Cancer.  Well, then there is this one, the last thing that can cause daily fever.  The 2nd opinion doc listed things I need, from allergy testing to a heart check and pulmonary function check to biopsies for lymphoma.  If the nodule has grown between January and now, that kinda indicates this one.  If my underarms really are swollen as I think, and not just sensitive due to allergies, there is also lymphoma instead of lung cancer, but neither one sounds very fun. 

And I feel I can't lean on my husband about any of this.  He barely holds it together with type II diabetes, insisting he's dying soon but destined to live for years in great pain, about to lose his legs, and our initial attempts to change up his diet managed to start him producing kidney stones.  We may have found the way around that and improved his nutrition a little to combat that, but now he's adding in how all things he has to look forward to are humiliating and painful.  Basically, he used up all his ability to care for me by the end of January.  He has a few moments where that pool has refilled, but it was that deep to start.  He tried to give me a good birthday, he makes the efforts he can, but lately, he's just a mess and so it means a sucky life for me. 

I can apparently suffer in silence, he can't. 

[isilme]

And lunch was kinda terrible.  He's back on the "no one respects me" train, and is now convinced my attendance in a club is why we don't have groceries today, not that he would not give me a list in a timely manner.  That apparently is a cop out to mention, trying to shift the blame to him.  My one Tues. evening a week club activities (knitting or crocheting) are taking too much of my energy because I was able to spend hours working on projects to "give away free" and therefore I don't have time for him (laundry, cleaning, errands, cooking, trying to make time for exercise walks, 40+ hour work week don't count as time drains, because we don't have kids, I have no stress compared to other women apparently).  He wants me to be a robot, working at work, working on freelance things, and working on products to sell, no time for me to relax, read, or play video games myself because that is lazy for me.  It's not lazy for him, he earned it, but it's lazy for me. 

He believes I am over medicated by taking 2 antihistamines Rx plus a sinus spray, plus Benadryl on really bad days, and that my body will just adjust if I am off them long enough.  Because that's how allergies work.  Because somehow trying that in previous years and it not working didn't happen.  Because the nodule in my lung which might be a formation from recurring sinus infections just appeared.  He is obsessed with my weight, and yeah, those drugs might be contributing, but it's always a choice between breathing/sinus infections or potential weight gain/trouble losing.  So now I don't know if he's going to have a fit if I go see the allergist or not.  I guess I will see what my GP has to say tomorrow. 

I am just the reflection of all things bad right now from other people, and it's culminating in him feeling I spend no time on him, somehow, even though my entire day yesterday centered around him, being in the room with him while he worked on something, finishing projects for him as he requested, cooking dinner for him, trying to figure when he will give me the info for the store so I can go, getting both his and my laundry squared away.  I am not allowed to be tired.  I am not allowed to be stressed.  I am not allowed to be sore, sick, or in pain.  His pain and illness trumps mine. 

[SunandMoon]

Isilme have you checked for hypothyroid? Exhaustion, inability to lose weight, low grade fevers (especially afternoon to evening) all fit.

Do you have a lab there to do bloodwork - TSH, FT3, FT4.

[isilme]

Actually just got my results, my annual exam is tomorrow my bloodwork posted today on the patient portal.  TSH is 1.57, seems to have dropped a point in the last year, but kit in a range listed as ‘low’.  I’ve been asking for it to be tested since my 30s, guess they started doing I when I hit 40.  There seems to be no smoking gun as far as my health based on the tests I’ve seen since January.  I feel it’s not understood when I say I am tired.  Everyone is tired.  I just figured for years I was as lazy as my BPD parents claimed, and that everyone else is just better, stronger, at fighting it.  If I could get past guilt at staying bed, feeling I am wasting time, could happily sleep for days I feel.  Mornings are horrible.  I cry sometimes when the alarm goes off.  Someone suggested my cortisol is off schedule, peaking at the wrong times, lowest when I need it.  Constant stress can screw it up pretty badly, guessing it’s a factor.

[isilme]

Our limited medical ppl are overwhelmed here, too many patients not enough health care professionals.  I ask every year for ideas why I run fevers all the time, why I am so tired, why my migraines have gotten worse and why losing weight is so hard.  I literally have to fast for any weight loss.  On meds, off meds, the weight is just there, about 50lvs I want gone.