It is so hard to just say good-bye for good

[WindofChange]

Mod note: This post is a continuation from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335052.0

Well, what I didn't say in my previous post was I had given him false hope that we could work things out (because of course I was hoping that we could). Then some things happened this past weekend that showed me, again, how he can be. I spent the evening with him and we had a great time. Then, on the way home, he overreacted and got so angry he didn't even want to be in the same vehicle with me. It seemed a big overreaction to something I said. Without going into details, the evening ended on a sour note, he got out of the car and stomped away, without saying good-bye, be careful, don't let the door hit you, nothing. It was late at night and I had a 30 minute drive. Normally he would have asked me to let him know I made it home safely. The next day, he didn't want to even talk about it, wanted to just move on. He finally did apologize, and I apologized for what I said as well.
But the point is, the reaction was just the same as always. So disappointing. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up. And I feel guilty for getting his hopes up. I also feel like I sound like an absolute idiot. Why can't I just make up my mind and go with it? And stay away from him? For both our sakes? I was lonely and I missed him, so I was weak. It is so hard to just say good-bye for good. He did tell me (prior to incident over the weekend) that he couldn't deal with the breakups and reconciliations anymore. Said he wasn't emotionally stable enough, it was too hard on him. Which makes me feel completely like s--- for my actions of the past two weeks.
I have to tell the unpleasant truth if I'm going to ever be able to grow and get past all of this. And my behavior has been irresponsible, I guess. I just wanted to see him and I wanted to believe that things could be different. But, as you said, LJ, we have to focus on the here and now, not the unknown future.
So now what? I just made a difficult situation worse, which will cause more pain for both of us. So stupid.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WindofChange,  Don't beat yourself up!  No, you're not a fool and it's hard to part ways with a pwBPD, as you are finding out.  Maybe you could set some boundaries for yourself.  For example, you could say to yourself that you're not going to spend time with your Ex unless and until he gets a job.  That's a bright line to follow.  Or maybe you could take a timeout from him for a specific period of time, in order to sort out your thoughts and feelings.  Only you know what might work best for you.

LJ

[WindofChange]

Thank you for the kind words, Lucky Jim. I still feel awful, but I appreciate them. Those are good ideas. I just know that whatever I decide, when I tell him I think it's best that I take time away (or whatever I say), he's going to flip out. I dread that. He's going to be hurt and upset and accuse me of doing it on purpose to hurt him. Accuse me of seeing someone else, of using him, all of the above. He will have a right to be upset. I just don't know how to counter that. It will do a number on me emotionally and make me feel even more guilty, like a horrible human being. He deserves to have his say, to a point.  I just don't know how to deal with the fallout again.
But I appreciate your suggestions. I do need to be by myself, I've said it before. It's just making the decision and Sticking To It. And I'll have to block him on my phone. Don't know a way to block him in my email, other than sending it to the spam folder. That's how he reached me last summer, through email, after I had blocked his number.
Anyway, sorry about this back and forth, whining, rambling thread. It's all over the place. As are my emotions, so I guess there's a correlation. :-/  But I do appreciate all input, opinions and suggestions.

[Lucky Jim]

Beware of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), which is the three-pronged pitchfork that those w/BPD use to manipulate us Nons.  It's a form of arm-twisting.  My suggestion: ignore it, laugh at it, but don't give in to it.  At the end of the day, you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  Took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept, but now I finally get it.  Don't sugarcoat it.  Suggest you do what is right for you and let the chips fall.

LJ

[JNChell]

WoC, Lucky Jim makes some great suggestions. Take care of yourself, honey bee. That’s where all of your answers are waiting. This stuff is very hard to sort out, but it’s possible to do and it’s possible to start feeling a bit normal again. I’m living proof of that as are many other members here.

The awful feelings will be with you for a while. There’s no sugar coating that. Sit with those feelings and let them wash over you. Identify them and let them pass. Don’t get caught up in them, let them go. Easier said than done, I know. It does get easier, though.

You were heavily invested in your relationship. That’s hard to let go of. Perhaps it’s time to become heavily invested in yourself. What are your thoughts on that?

[WindofChange]

Hi JNChell. I can't imagine what being heavily invested in myself even looks like. My sons are 24 and 21. My main role was as their mother and also as a wife for 18  years. Then after that, dealing with the empty nest thing and then with my intense relationship with my BPDbf. It's a hard thing for me to even think about. I think I would feel selfish. Self-worth issues, I guess. But don't get me wrong, I do have some self-esteem. I am working toward a degree I've wanted for years, and I do care about my appearance and take care of my health, at least. 
Before I get into my rant, I will say that I found an apartment and will be moving June 1. Haven't told my mother yet. I think she'll be sad about it, but I know I need my own space again. I'm looking forward to that. Now, um...the rant...

 I've still been seeing him. Not often, because I don't have time for that with work and school. But we spent Saturday evening together and it was great. Then yesterday, he bottoms out again. Says he messed up his taxes and now owes $3000. He had done them early on and gotten back $5000 or so and was using it to live on. He said he accidentally claimed his child when his ex-wife was supposed to be the one to claim her. Her taxes were rejected yesterday when she filed, so she called him about it. (How could a person who used to work for the IRS mess that up?) I don't know. But he's very, very low. He was unreachable most of the day and evening, and I was struggling not to worry that he was standing on a bridge thinking about jumping. He texted me at 3:00 this morning to say that he was asleep. All day yesterday and until 3:00 am? I know depressed people sleep a lot, but...
He saw his T today but it didn't help him much. He is so low. He has some job interviews this week but I am so afraid he'll end up sleeping through them or do something similar and sabotage himself again. I was talking to him on the phone and he told me he didn't want to be alone tonight. When I said I was not able to come over (had just finished typing a paper and I'm worn out), he got upset and abruptly wanted to end the call. When I tried to talk to him more, he started smacking the phone against the table (or his head--that would be a typical response) and said why did I keep him on the phone? So I ended the call. It all just upsets me so much. I'm so effing tired of it--yet here I am. I feel stuck. And I feel both helpless and frustrated because he keeps doing this sh-- to himself. I feel stupid for allowing myself to get back into this situation again. I do realize many people recycle a few times. But I feel so sad and worried for him and so upset with myself for getting involved again.
And I wonder...did he claim his child on purpose so he could get the extra money to live on, and did he think he'd just figure something out when the 15th came along and the ex realized what he had done? That's a horrible thought but one I can't let go of. Sometimes I wonder, what all do I not know about him?
Sorry about the rant, but I don't feel I can tell anyone else about all of this stuff. Even my T will shake her head when I tell her. I don't see her for a few weeks, anyway, and I needed to vent tonight.
I obviously can't bail now, when he is so very low. And I want to help him if I can. But I also realize I can't fix him and I can't fix the situation for him. And I sure as hell don't want to give him any money. I've done that in the past. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster, but I feel so sad for him that he is obviously hurting. How do I get off the rollercoaster for good?

[Cat Familiar]

If you want to get off the rollercoaster for good, you must let him experience consequences of his behavior without trying to rescue him.

You say you can’t bail now because he is so low. How does that square with letting him experience cause and effect?

So many of us who wind up in relationships with pwBPD are rescuers. How do you see this manifesting in your life?

[WindofChange]

Yes, I have definitely been a rescuer with this relationship. I wanted to heal the hurt and traumatized little boy inside him, and thought I could love him enough to do that. I see now that I can't fix him. But it's hard to let go. I know other times in my life I have gotten upset when I've been around family or friends who were hurting. I felt what they felt and would always feel compelled to try to help them so they would feel better. Maybe that's part of my boundary issues. It's hard not to be affected and want to do everything I can to help when I see someone hurting. I can't stand it.
His thinking is just so off. He says things like, God doesn't want me to be happy. I'm not meant to be happy. If something good happens in my life, something bad always follows it. He is always a victim of destiny, in his mind. How do you combat that fixed mindset? He is the one who made the mistake on the taxes. He is the one who was messing up at his job a year ago and got himself fired. He is the one who refuses to take a second or third shift job because it will interfere with his time with his daughter--then he would probably only get her on weekends. But he does not see it that way. Obviously there is no way I can change his mind on this. Why am I so compelled to keep trying? I guess because I hate to see him in pain and possibly suicidal. That scares me to death.
He has managed to live by himself for a whole year now. He said he's never gone that long without a roommate or without a live-in relationship. I guess that's something. He's managed to cover his rent and bills with unemployment and some help from family until now. But now unemployment has run out. I don't know what he's going to do, and I worry that he may do something drastic.
As far as letting him experience cause and effect, I don't know. I refused to go see him last night when he wanted me to spend the night. I won't give him any more money. So I am allowing him to deal with things on his own in that respect. I feel like saying, well, I'm outta here, now would be like kicking him when he's down. What do you think?

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, I have definitely been a rescuer with this relationship. I wanted to heal the hurt and traumatized little boy inside him, and thought I could love him enough to do that. I see now that I can't fix him.

I tried to do the same in my first marriage. Seeing the "hurt little boy" gave me so much empathy and compassion that I overlooked how bad his behavior was towards me.

But it's hard to let go. I know other times in my life I have gotten upset when I've been around family or friends who were hurting. I felt what they felt and would always feel compelled to try to help them so they would feel better. Maybe that's part of my boundary issues. It's hard not to be affected and want to do everything I can to help when I see someone hurting. I can't stand it.

Without good boundaries it can be painful to observe other's suffering. But when we interfere in their process of emotional growth by depriving them of consequences of their behavior, we are taking an important life lesson away from them and helping them to remain stuck, doing the same unproductive behavior over and over. Is that really "helping them"?

His thinking is just so off. He says things like, God doesn't want me to be happy. I'm not meant to be happy. If something good happens in my life, something bad always follows it. He is always a victim of destiny, in his mind. How do you combat that fixed mindset?

Is that really your responsibility to "fix" his thinking?

So you see that he is responsible for the messes he's created in his life, yet he thinks of himself as a victim. And you'd like to change his mind because it scares you that he might do something drastic. On the other hand, he's managed to live by himself for a year. You don't want to give him any more money, but you're not ready to remove yourself from his life. What role would you be comfortable in with him, should you continue to be a part of his life?

[WindofChange]

I do see those things. And what you say makes sense. As for what role I should have in his life...Ugh. I don't know. I'm just burned out and tired of all the drama. Things never stay good for long. But they are good sometimes, and I guess that intermittent reinforcement is what has kept me here. And the hope that he is getting better. He will act better for a time, and seem like he is making progress. Then something happens and he goes straight down again. And then is irritable with me or just shuts down entirely and is unreachable via phone. At least I've learned to function pretty well when in the back of my mind I'm worrying that he's hurt himself. But that is no way to live, is it?
The truth is that I should probably have no role in his life. I don't see us being just friends.  When we ended things the last time, after a couple of weeks he called me and said he just didn't have anyone else to talk to about some things that were going on. Then said he was sorry to bother me.  Then said he couldn't bear to throw away the things I had left in his apartment yet again (curling iron, etc). Then I went to see him and here I am again. When he's feeling good and we're together, things are really great. It just never lasts. I guess I just have to accept that this is how it may always be. It's always up and down, up and down, up and down, over and over and over...

[Lucky Jim]

When he's feeling good and we're together, things are really great. It just never lasts. I guess I just have to accept that this is how it may always be. It's always up and down, up and down, up and down, over and over and over...

Hey WofC,

Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.

LJ

[WindofChange]

Oh, I know it's time. Hopefully one of these job interviews he's got this week will pan out, and then I feel like I can tell him once he gets a job. And this time, obviously, absolutely no contact. I was wimpy about it before and it ended up with another recycle. I'm going to try to plan that once he gets the job and hopefully has some time before he starts, that I can tell him and he can have a chance to kind of deal with it and then rally to start the new job. Am I overthinking it? Probably. But I don't think I can live with my own guilt if I were to tell him now when he's so depressed. He's all upset about the money he owes back to the IRS (but that's a different issue and another one he brought on himself).
 I don't know how to get over feeling partially responsible for his well being. I know he is an adult and should be capable of making his own decisions and taking care of himself...I just feel like he isn't able to do it, even though he should be. It is very difficult to completely stop caretaking. When we broke up the last time, I contacted a couple of his friends to tell them and asked them to check on him. My T told me that was excessive caretaking. But I have also read that when you break up with a depressed person or someone who suffers from some kind of mental illness, that you should tell their friends or T in order to give them a heads up to be watching out for the person.  So, which is the right thing to do? I felt it didn't do any harm to let his friends know, and that it might help him. If he did something to hurt himself, at least I would know I did all I could to prevent it (short of continuing to stay with him). It may seem nutty of me but again, honestly, I don't know how to get over the guilt and feeling responsible for him. I'm a little better than I was about it. Like I've said, I won't give him money anymore. But what can I do to work through this? Talk to my T about it, I suppose.