Not sure what’s going on but starting to get the picture

[Hariette]

I have just recently learned my 20 child has BPD and through this journey have discovered my husband does too. I feel so alone and sandwiched in here. Trying to manage down the conflict because my daughter tells me this is a toxic environment. Breaks my heart that the family I have created is or could be toxic. I know I need help dealing with this and plan to see a therapist. My husband refuses. He is high conflict and for years I have always thought it was attributed to his alcoholism. My daughter now exhibits many of his qualities and is high conflict too which brings me here. She is emotionally disregulated and has absorbed all the negative energy of the fighting in our house. Till now thought I was managing the situation well by avoiding him and tending to her. But he doesn’t control himself with respect to the fighting and I know he doesn’t behave this way at work. Working to live as independently as I can until I can figure this out. I’m tired. Feel defeated. Alone. Scared. Angry. At a loss as to what to do. Anyone else have this situation going on in their famiky?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Hariette,

It's not uncommon for BPD to run in families, unfortunately. My H (second marriage) has a uBPD daughter (22) who exhibits BPD traits, as does her mother, though they present in different ways. It can feel overwhelming and I'm glad you reached out for support -- these are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. And great that you have lined up a therapist to help you work through the complex feelings.

Does your daughter know she has BPD?

When you say living independently, do you mean you're currently living separately from your daughter and husband?

There are specific relationship and communication skills that can help, altho they are not intuitive and must be learned (and practiced). First, tho, is self care, and it sounds like you are taking steps toward filling your cup. That's the most important step, in my experience.

Keep posting. It really does help.