In the processi of detaching with my BPDh of 6 years.

[Frankee]

I think I may be in the processing of detaching with my bph of 6 years.  I feel lost love for him.  Sometimes I am worried I am making a bad decision by disconnecting, but Skip the moderator made a list of posts I put over the past 20 months.  It made me sad.  We have two kids, he's been laid off, we have no money so we are sort of stuck together.  I have been pushing him away and he wants me to stop and show him that I still care and love him, but I feel tapped out.  I think if I keep trying, it will all get better.  

Little back story. My ex ghosted me after a couple years of dating. Literally vanished into thin air. It literally DESTROYED ME. Plus she had our kid. Well 5 years later. The child isn’t even mine. I am enjoying life and my ex is like a dream that happened. I’m dating someone new and we are doing great. I learned a lot about myself during that time. We I stopped blaming and hating her I felt better. I stopped asking “why” did “she” do this to me? I started asking WHY I LET IT HAPPEN? That helped. Now 5 years later my career is amazing and I have an amazing woman in my life whom I can communicate with openly. Stop asking why they did you wrong. And start asking why you allow it to happen. We can blame BPDs all day but what good does that do? None. Heal yourself.

I sometimes wonder what my future will hold if I finally detach and hearing your story gives me hope that it will get better.  I have spent so long on this rollercoaster of a relationship, all I want to do is have some peace.  I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to fight for this relationship anymore.

[hurting300]

Frankee, do you think it may be the money problems causing the issues? And also is he diagnosed?

[Frankee]

Money may be the current catalyst for the stress, but his abusive behavior is really the source of why I feel lost love for him.  He was diagnosed with chronic depressive disorder or something and PTSD.  He was diagnosed with BPD when he was much younger.  He sees a counselor every other week and takes medication which has helped, but it feels like it's too late.

[hurting300]

I feel so bad for you. You can inbox me anytime you need to talk. Really.

[Perdita]

Frankee,

I have been feeling the same way the past few weeks.  Also a 6 year r/s.  It's as though I am running on empty. I am barely going through the motions.  I am shocked by how much my feelings for him have died this year.

He's pushed me too far by convincing me to move in with him and that everything would be great.  I would have been fine with us living separately,  but he was really putting a lot of pressure on me about it to the point that my life virtually became about finding a house and contacting and meeting real estate agents. The very day we moved in he turned into a massive ass.  Between that and finding out that he still talks daily to his ex, I can tell you that I too am detaching.  I  didn't plan it. This happened spontaneously due to him not giving one damn about my feelings.

I also feel tired of it all and need peace. My life before him was incredibly quiet, a hermit like existence,  but at least I was content. Then I became involved with him and my whole life blew up.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am so sorry to hear this, but you have searched your heart and made a decision in your best interests and that of your children.

You can, while you are separated, make the choice to emotionally detach from your SO.  I have done this.  It's a form of mentally disengaging.  I no longer extend my feelings for my H, nor his family.  My T advised me to do this.  If any of his children fall into chaos due to their poor life choices, I no longer offer solutions nor help.  It's, "Oh, that's a shame."

I don't intend to divorce H (at least not at this time.)  We have been together for twenty years, and there are other factors at stake.  I have a set of tools I use to detach from my uBPD H when he dysregulates now.  I used to be devastated when H threatened to divorce me years ago.  This started at least 10 years ago in his attempt to manipulate me.  I laugh at him now. And if he has me served with papers, I am ready for that, too.

As with Perdita, if one has been hurt countless times, regardless of how empathetic we are, how many times we have tried to extend compassion, sometimes we come to a crossroads.  There are certain things that are not negotiable nor capable of being overlooked.

 

[Frankee]

I am barely going through the motions.  I am shocked by how much my feelings for him have died this year.

I too am detaching.  I  didn't plan it. This happened spontaneously due to him not giving one damn about my feelings.

I also feel tired of it all and need peace. My life before him was incredibly quiet, a hermit like existence,  but at least I was content. Then I became involved with him and my whole life blew up.

I understand how you feel.  I go through these phases.  Recently we were going out a lot.  Too much.  Things started getting out of hand.  They blew up like atomic bomb in my face.  A little over a month ago, I think that was my turning point.  We got pretty smashed from drinking, started fighting, shoving, screaming, he shoved me hard, I shoved him, he grabbed me, dragged me around a corner, put a choke hold on me and lifted me up off the ground against a wall.  I was kicking and fighting when he shoved my face to the side.  Two guys came by and stopped him.  That night, I screamed he F'ed up and that was the last time he will ever hurt me.  How can you love anybody after that?

Frankee, I am so sorry to hear this, but you have searched your heart and made a decision in your best interests and that of your children.

You can, while you are separated, make the choice to emotionally detach from your SO.

As with Perdita, if one has been hurt countless times, regardless of how empathetic we are, how many times we have tried to extend compassion, sometimes we come to a crossroads.  There are certain things that are not negotiable nor capable of being overlooked.

I have been hurt over and over.  Our oldest child choked a younger child on the playground yesterday.  When my H was talking to him, it hit me.  He's telling him how severe it was, what a big deal it is, how choking someone is trying to kill them, would have been better to punch them, and telling me that kind of behavior is sociopath.  Even typing it now it is really sinking in.  These are reasons why I am slowly emotionally detaching.