Mom diagnosis

[Cipher13]

My mom contracted me the other day to let me know that she was diagnoses with stage 1 breast cancer. So I decided I need to visit her. For those that do not know my history I haven't been able to seen family for a long time. UBPW has kept me from them. Well I have kept myself in order to appease her is the truth. I decided to take a day off work and go visit. I didn't tell wife. I let her know I would be in a training. Most of the day and could text her a few times during breaks. She is suspicious as I don't do many of these trainings and I do them occasionally but she is always suspicious every time.  I hate I have to live this way. If I tell her the truth I will wish for slow torture by burning at the stake instead of the aftermath I will receive.  I have added to the lie in order to keep my cover and sent her pictures of my surrounding...well old pictures of the office and shop floor not where I am actually. She is demanding check ins. I said I'd try when I could. She just said you WILL there will be no try!

I have my work computer with me so maybe I just stay with my parent s a few days. I want to but can't bring myself to do that. My therapist asked what is the worse she will say or do? Divorce you? Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I said no that isn't the worse. She will stay with me and continue to berate me and drive me into a mental hell just to make sure I know I did "wrong" and treated her horribly.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry to hear that your mother has a cancer DX, but fortunately stage 1 can be easily treatable.

Your wife equates seeing your parents as "treating her horribly" so you feel you have to lie and pretend that your visit was a work training.

She's suspicious of that and though you send her photos of where you allegedly are, she demands that you check in regularly.

PwBPD can have an exceptional acuity for discerning a lack of congruency. Do you ever think that you aren't as skilled at covering your tracks as you think you are? And should she discover that you're not at work when you say you are, how could that blow up even worse than telling her the truth?

If divorce wouldn't be as bad as being berated and driven into "a mental hell", what keeps you from divorcing her?

[Panda39]

What I'm sorry to hear is that it has taken breast cancer for you to visit your mom.  I get that you are walking on eggshells and trying to avoid a blow up from your wife but this would be a wake up call for me regarding my mom's mortality. How much time you are missing with her (and the rest of your family) to appease your wife?

There are so many parents that come here because their child is married to someone with BPD and they no longer are "allowed" to see them or their grandchildren.  As a mom this is heartbreakingly painful to me.

Maybe look at this from your family's perspective, maybe that could motivate you to push through the FOG and visit more often and I would stop hiding it from your wife.  Let the chips fall where they may...see your family.

Panda39

[Red5]

... my coworker and I were talking today, as we usually do… and it came up how that we know of other men in our circle, that have had the second or third wife (marriage) say to them… something to the effect, "I don't want you to have anything to do with your ex, and that includes those kids you had with her… I've come across this a few times over the years.

One fella, one of the Marines in my "shop"… told me one time, "Gunny, my wife told me (No.2) that she wants me to give up my parental rights to my son from my first wife, as it would save us money, and also that you (this fella), needs to be supporting me (wife), and our child, NOT your former ex child"…

This poor kid, I told him that was bravo sierra (moo!)… and that when all the "women" are gone from your life one day Sergeant "Mario", all your going to have is your kids, albeit grown up now (then)… I went on to tell him, "that boy, and the one you got with this current wife, that's your legacy brother… DON'T forsake your blood, your child… that's a sin Man, /F/ her!"… I told him,

He went off to recruiting duty after that, and they did split up… he married again a few years later (#3), after we met up again… he is out of the service now, like the rest of us… he had five kids through three wives…

Well, I said all that to say this… your Mother is in the same category as a kid imho, family… I wouldn't let a wife, my wife, wives... keep me from my family… no.

In my first marriage, as well this current one (separated)… my wife at the time, never did really get along with my own (Foo) mom, and that's along story… but as far as bothers and sisters, and all "halves"… another long story, as "bio dad" got around … we've all always been close… family is your tribe in most cases, "bio dad was a Blackfeet Indian 3/4"… no kidding… they will be there for you when the "love of your life" discards you…

Anyways, sorry your dealing with this Cipher13… I know its tough.

I can hear my wife now… "RED!… when your "mother" comes here to visit, I won't be here, I'm going to Alabama to my daughters house"… yes, much dysfunction, and dysregulation would erupt if a "visit" was ever proposed…

… a perplexing conundrum of generational dysfunction!

Red5

[byfaith]

Cipher, Im sorry to hear about your mother

I hate I have to live this way.

You have convinced yourself that you HAVE to live this way! You DO NOT!

When I finally had it in me to say, this is enough, I then realized what it was that was keeping in the horrible marriage I was in. I could not deal with my own issues because I was so deep into just surviving mentally and emotionally everyday. When I took the final inventory of what staying married to this person was going to cost me, I decided it was time to end it, on my own. What is the payoff in this marriage that keeps you there? I didn't want a marriage to cost me not seeing or having a normal relationship with my grown children grandchildren, my parents or any friends I had isolated because of the dysfunction relationship.

Is it worth it? Is it worth lying? Is it worth the agonizing you will get caught?

I hope you find your way Cipher

BF

[GaGrl]

Cipher, I don't know how your wife presents to the world at large, but you have described frequent job changes, frequent moves of house, and her requirement that you check in with her constantly/be available to her at all times of the day or night, and a near-complete cut-off from your family. She sounds low-functioning in many ways, although I think she still holds a job, correct?

The saddest thing you've recounted was her requirement that you get up with her to walk her to the bathroom during the night. Does she still do this? I was sad not for her -- but for you. This level of control so overshadowed your life and made me wonder how much of "You" was still there.

Where do you stand now with your wife's daily behaviors? Are there still controlling behaviors in addition to the family interference?

What do you fear?

[Cipher13]

Cat

If divorce wouldn't be as bad as being berated and driven into "a mental hell", what keeps you from divorcing her?

No easy answer to this. As I ask myself this everyday. What in the world keeps me here? I do not have kids, I do not have physical ties to the area I live other than owning my house which I would consider give up in a second to get away. I think if I had to answer this truthfully right now it is guilt that keeps me from divorcing. Guilt that I know isn't true. The guilt she has elaborately pushed on me and I ate it up for so many years.

Red, Often times I feel we get in the mindset that we take care of our family (immediate wife/kids) and when the "current" wife after a period of years "needs" you to do this or that to make her feel better often we do. Then the requests become more and more unreasonable. If you are not careful before to long you are sacrificing things you never thought possible.

byfaith

Is it worth it? Is it worth lying? Is it worth the agonizing you will get caught?

It was worth it on the short end. Long term no I suppose it is not as it is just another unhealthy thing that I am allowing to happen to myself.  If I take personal inventory of myself it is just one of a numerous things I am allowing to negatively affect myself and my wellbeing to ensure 1 person remains content.  Not happy just content. She is not a happy person anymore...if she ever was.   My visit was wonderful. My dad has battled his own cancer and is winning that battle and now my mom is having to also. They remain as positive if not even more positive about life. They have a awesome network of family and friends around them every day. I got the chance to see a glimpse of it and I got to see everything I am missing in my life. Good people enjoying life and the company of others. I am do not have this...but I can. I have made up my mind that I want out of my marriage...However it has been harder to enact than I can handle. I don't know why.

I have seen what it is like outside of my current life and what not being in this marriage would be like. I have had numerous people who know my situation help me to know what I am going through isn't right or healthy including my therapist. All that and I still can't get the nerve to tell my wife I at least just want to separate much less divorce. How is this possible?
 

[Cipher13]

Gagrl

She holds a job. Got a new one a few months ago after trying for about a year...and she doesn't like it after loving the people for the first few weeks. Now they "suck".


She no longer wakes me up to take her to the bathroom. For the last year we have been in separate rooms. Most of the other things you described are still relevant. I am not sure how much of "me" is here.  I was able to see yesterday with my visit to my parents that I still have some left and I was able to let some out.  Felt really really good to do that. Like I mentioned in above post, being around positive rather than negative people felt so refreshing.

To address behaviors there isn't much change other than we both work a second job and because of that we hardly see each other anymore. And when I come home and she is still awake she shuts her bedroom door and says she is going to bed. I still do the majority of household chores, laundry, groceries, make breakfast, lunch dinner, dishes, etc. She is too tired.

I fear that if I say I am leaving or want divorce this will show my hand and prove to her of the guilt she projects on me. Which if that ended in a divorce would not be as bad however the real fear is that it would not come to divorce and just make the current situation worse. I am not sure how to accurately explain. Not the best comparison but its like leaving a gang you don't just get to walk away. You are marked and treated worse when you remain because you have that sigma of a traitor/deserter. If that makes sense.

[Red5]

For the sake of asking, as I've not read all the way back to 2013 (your story),

… has your wife ever sought any semblance of therapy Cipher13?

Mine has not (uBPDw), not in the sense of suspected borderline, or any other mental issues… we did go to three (3!) marriage counseling sessions back in 2011… after we separated at five months in… after we married ; (

… we are separated again now, this month will be five months.

She has mentioned that she "almost" did seek counseling/therapy a few months back… but didn't go through with it, her Doctor suggested it to her, to help her cope with her stage iv cancer dx…

She even suggested I go on my own to help myself cope… which I already had, undenounced to her… a few months earlier… and have stuck with it ever since (Aug 2018)

Anyways, honest question,

Kind Regards… Red5