How to separate and protect child and not stay because threats to go to court

[Abc99]

I'm getting closer to the end of my journey with my BPD partner. I am trying my hardest not to trigger his anger and cruel words towards me but I'm not winning. Our 16 month old daughter is noticing how he is talking to me and then he blames me for his cruel words and tells me off in front of her. I'm worrying about the impact on her.

BUT I'm scared to leave him. I scared of the angry outburst that will follow and the anger that will no doubt continue in courts. He has threatened to take my daughter off me and prove that I am an unfit mother. This scares me immensely.  He can't deal with our toddler crying for 20 minutes if I'm not in the house - he most certainly isn't capable of looking after her on his own if he did win a court case.

Does anyone have a success story they can share - or have any advice they could offer me? I live in the UK in case that makes any difference.

Thank you for listening!

[Newyoungfather]

Hello ABC99,
I was in a similar situation as you, my exBPD mother of my child would threaten to take my son away telling me fathers have no rights.  I know it sucks right now but I believe your stuck in the FOG.  Have you consulted an attorney about getting a PFA?  Can you document his behavior on text messages, emails, voicemails?  Try to separate facts from emotions as much as possible.  When I left exBPD I had to keep telling myself that I am a strong father, everyday I would repeat it and soon I was seeing through the FOG.  If necessary contact the police when the rage occurs.  Everyone here at  bpdfamily is here for you.

[StillHopeful73]

Hello ABC99. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

You are mindful of the fact that your daughter is noticing these outbursts and you have a right to be concerned. The exposure to that isn't healthy for her and it isn't healthy for you to have to "walk on eggshells" all the time. You and your daughter deserve better.

I went through similar emotions years ago with my BPD partner. I was afraid if he and I broke up that he would charm his way through the courts and get 50/50 custody. In his mind I'm sure he thought he was capable of taking care of her, yet he couldn't spend long periods of time with our daughter as he would get irritable. Plus he was depressed and had anxiety so was always sleeping. As his verbal aggression increased this led to a physical episode where he pushed me up against the wall by my neck with my 6 month daughter in my arms. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. I was afraid of what he might be capable of if I did leave. So I decided to try counseling with him instead. It seemed to be a bit effective initially as he seemed to listen to the counselor but 2 months later he assaulted me in our vehicle (with our daughter in the backseat).

Our relationship ended at that point in time. He was charged and after going to criminal court he was given a criminal record (he had assaulted other women in the past which I hadn't known) and there was a restraining order against him for 2 years. I was terrified that he might do something to me to retaliate but he actually disappeared for awhile. I consider myself lucky that I got out, even if it had to happen by going through such a horrible experience.

In all likelihood, your partner will make things extremely difficult so you have to prepare yourself and gather a strong support system. Document absolutely everything with as much proof as possible. I learned the hard way that my ex can simply say "she's lying" and even with his history if I didn't have proof, there wasn't much to go on. I don't know the legalities on recording people in the UK, but if you can, gather as much evidence as possible. If you have witnesses or anyone who would be willing to provide a statement on seeing him during his rages, all the better.

Get a good attorney, preferably one who specializes in high conflict situations or knows how to deal with BPD. This one is important. I spent over $3000 on a lawyer who didn't do much and seemed to think that even with his criminal record we would end up getting 50/50. I found a better lawyer (through a friend's referral) and after much back and forth in the end I was awarded sole custody. My ex was given a gradual visitation schedule so it went from supervised to unsupervised, and the amount of time he spent with her slowly increased. Although I didn't like the fact he would eventually have a full weekend with her at such a young age, it made me feel much better to know it would be a slow transition.

Get a good counselor, one you click with and trust. You will need as much support as possible going through this. As mentioned already, call the police if needed, and go to friends/family/shelter if you ever feel that you or your daughter are in danger. Given his rages you may want someone present when/if you talk to him about leaving.

It isn't an easy decision to make and it takes a lot of courage to even consider it. Hugs to you. I only found this site recently but it is very supportive and there are many people on it who have gone through similar experiences and provide fantastic advice.

[Abc99]

Thank you for your responses and sorry for the delay in responding. You've both given me things to consider and mull over. I find it very comforting to get your support and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I've recently had another verbally abusive occurrence and am considering the next options and have contacted a support agency to help me through this process.  Hopefully they can help to ensure any future separation is done as safely as possible for my daughter and I.

Hopefully I'll be out of the FOG soon and be out of the abusive situation I find myself in currently. ♥️

[livednlearned]

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy?

That's a good place to start.

[mart555]

Record everything.  Digital audio recorder. Record phone calls.  Setup cameras if you can. Keep all emails, text messages.   It will help at some point. 

Doesn't matter what you do.  You can play nice as much as you want but it will only bite you in the end.  Don't expect anything.  It's like walking on eggshells... you can't always predict what will set them off.