Progress or setback?

[Tazzer4000]

Hi everyone! So my BPDD16 is in juvenile detention.  We get 2 5 minute phone calls a week in addition to a 3 hour visit on Saturday's. This weeks calls were, interesting. On Tuesday, she called and immediately launched into a list of things I need to bring her with that familiar entitled attitude and tone. The other girls around her were being loud and she was not happy about it. She said, can you all be quiet, with that better than you attitude.  It didn't go over well as they simply got louder.

I could feel her anger through the phone. I validated her feelings and then tried to help her calm down. Apparently she didn't calm down. When we spoke on Thursday she let me know that when we got on off the phone she started yelling and cussing everyone out. So she failed her week which means she will be there a week longer and she gets no snacks this Saturday.

So, I don't know whether this is progress or a setback. She had been taking her anger out on me during visits and that kept them from seeing her real behaviors and being able to address them. The last visit was great and she wasn't angry at all. I suspected that she would finally show her true self when she didn't take her anger out on me and she did. On one hand I feel like its progress in that shes not hiding her real behaviors and they will now be able to help her address them. On the other hand it could lead to a setback if she refuses to correct the behavior and gets more angry because of it. So I'm not sure how I feel about this development. 

Thoughts and comments are much appreciated. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

First here is a hug because of all you are going through 
What a roller coaster ride! Like you, I sometimes wonder if the changes I see in my son are progress or setbacks. I am getting to the point where I think setbacks are actually necessary to progress so, in a way, it is really all progress. But to be more specific to your situation, I think the fact that your DD is facing some real, concrete, boundaries is a really good thing even if she isn't reacting real well right now. I also think her showing her "true colors" in the facility is good for all the reasons you cite. It could be one step closer to getting real help. All in all, I think you should use these 6 months to really go all out with your own self care so you are at your very strongest when she comes out. We are all rooting for you and your family.

[Only Human]

I'm with Faith on this, I also believe setbacks are necessary for progress. Your DD is figuring things out and, now that you are changing how you communicate with her, she's getting real world experience of the consequences of her behavior. I have to remind myself daily that it's baby steps, some forward movement followed by a step back, it's all part of the process.

I'm sure it's no fun for you to know that she has lost priveledges, her release date is pushed out, no snacks, etc. How are you doing?

I also agree with Faith's suggestion to use this time to go all out with self-care, as you are doing by posting here. What else has taken a back seat that you can get back into?

Hang in there, Tazzer, you've got this!

~ OH

[Tazzer4000]

So I will continue to see my therapist. I've been trying to get back into things I enjoy like gardening and homeopathic treatments.  We are also trying to move as 2 of the really bad influences live within walking distance of our house. That is a bit stressful.  On a positive note,  my blood pressure is back down to normal where it had been much higher, even with medication.

There are a lot of things I would like to do but finances are stopping that. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks but at least we are making it, barely, but it could be worse. Thanks for responding.

[FaithHopeLove]

I think it is great you are seeing your own therapist and enjoying some gardening and homeopathic treatments. Yes, it is hard to live paycheck to paycheck. Still there is a lot of little to no cost things you can do to treat yourself. You have already started. Be good to yourself. You are a great mother and you deserve a break.  

[mggt]

Tazzer,  sending you positive thoughts and hugs. You are doing great. 

[Only Human]

On a positive note,  my blood pressure is back down to normal where it had been much higher, even with medication.

This is amazing, Tazzer! You are doing good work here, you should be proud. I wish I loved gardening as I know it brings joy and peace to some of my friends. Are you growing food, flowers, both? Until this year, I've planted one tomato plant every year, just to have an amazing BLAT sandwich. After that's been done, the plants never stood a chance as I forgot to water them.

~ OH

[Tazzer4000]

I grow mostly herbs. Sage, oregano, 5 types of basil, thyme, anise, mint, chives and few other assorted medicinal herbs. Tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, lettuce. Lavender, morning glories, conifer flowers, and tea cup Rose's.  Not too much really. I have cut back because I very been stressed and I'm beginning to suspect I'm depressed because it's been very difficult to do the gardening I used to love. Could be a problem I need to discuss with my therapist. Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback.

[Only Human]

There are five types of basil? Who knew!

Your garden sounds wonderful, I hope you are able to get back to enjoying it soon!

Depression is very common among members here. I'm glad you're seeing a T, yep a good idea to talk about it with her/him.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I came back with this link to a self-assessment for depression.

SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

This is a test developed at Stanford University by David Burns, MD.   Burns is best known for his book "Feeling Good" which is used in most commonly used support text for CBT programs.  It is a very simple test to take.

I just took it and got a 33.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

I think you’re doing amazingly well. You take good care of yourself. If you don’t fancy gardening then maybe there’s something else that may spark your fancy. Just sitting in it with a cup of tea each day can help find a peaceful feeling! It’s up to us to capture those moments.

I think you may be a good cook!

Watching our kids  learn new coping skills is a challenge. She is learning and she’s going to make mistakes as she discovers that her behaviour is her responsibility. I’m glad your visits are just once per week. There’s time for things to settle if there’s problems. She must really look forward to seeing you, regardless if she’s dysregulated. You’ve had one good visit, it can happen again.

Validation, validation and double whipped cream validation on top. We all want the same thing, to be understood and feel loved.

Love yourself today if you can. Life is tough, we have to find beauty in it. We have to make that beauty essential.

I’m off to the garden centre today so I can plant some basil. Thank you!

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tazzer4000]

Hi OH, thanks for the depression screening link. I got a 68 so I should probably talk to my therapist about it. I've been in crisis mode for so long I had no idea how bad I've been feeling. With her out of the house, I'm starting to notice. Time to fix me i guess. Thanks again.

[Only Human]

You're welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful. I'm sure I scored much, much higher last year, I also arrived here in crisis mode.

Lollypop's given excellent advice to us all:

Love yourself today if you can. Life is tough, we have to find beauty in it. We have to make that beauty essential.

Onward!

~ OH