How can I let go and move on...

[Hiscaru]

It’s been a week of no contact (would have been two but she called me telling me she busted her chin open and had to get stitches), and I am still struggling to understand how to move on. I get it, plenty of fish in the sea, but she felt like the one for me. She cheated on me, twice, and emotionally abused me. She would send me pictures of her with the new guy, treat me like I’m worthless, and not care about how much harm she caused me. For some reason however, I still yearn to be with her. It’s not because I need a relationship, I genuinely miss the times where I could pick her up, come back to my house, and have long genuine talks with her. I liked helping her, I liked being that guy for her, and I liked that I could call her mine. I’m struggling to understand the good that should come out of this and how to try and put this all behind me. Truth is I forget how to be happy and single like I once was. I’m not going to sit her and try to blame myself, I know I did nothing wrong, but something honestly just doesn’t seem right about any of this. Someone who could cheat and lose thought of you so quickly is almost malicious and devilish in my mind. It’s a complete mind bender. Their are days where I really wish I could text her and just let her know that I still love her, and says where I wish I could pick her up and hug her and act like nothing ever happened. Then there are days where I despise her and wish I had never met her. I’m detaching, but now I want to learn about how to live after a relationship like this. I’m seeking advice from you guys and gals on this forum that have maybe went through something similar to this or know someone who did. How did they move on so to speak, and how did they put the past behind them?

[Wicker Man]

She cheated on me, twice, and emotionally abused me.
She would send me pictures of her with the new guy
treat me like I’m worthless

This is part of your answer.  After my relationship ended I wrote a list of dysfunctional behaviors.  For me there was an addictive quality about the relationship.  Afterward I likened it to a schedule 1 drug:

SCHEDULE 1 DRUGS are illegal because they have high abuse potential, no medical use, and severe safety concerns.

My ex should come with a warning label -but she doesn't.  Neither you nor I could have guessed what we were getting ourselves into when we fell in love with these people.  However -it is critical to be honest with ourselves and see the situation as a stark reality.  We as neurotypical people know the dangers of magical thinking.

I wish I could pick her up and hug her and act like nothing ever happened.

Even if you could start the relationship again what makes you think it would be any different?  We cannot love their dysfunctional coping mechanisms out of them.  We can give them all of our love and then without warning they can short circuit and slip away.  As a point of fact I could rejoin the Paradise Circus.  She made it clear to me she would leave the guy she is with if I returned...  How is this good?(!)  She is lovely, but at this point does not have the ability to have a healthy relationship.

I’m struggling to understand the good

If I could undo my relationship I would in a heartbeat.  As much as I loved her I wish I had never met her.  I wish the term Borderline Personality Disorder had no significance in my world.

Keep reading.  Keep posting and know it will get better.  The only good which comes from this is learning there are some people who are, at this point in their lives, not equipped for a healthy relationship. 

We need to learn boundaries and stick to them.  When a boundary is crossed there needs to be consequences.  Thank goodness I had a unbreakable boundary and that was her 'breaking up with me'.  It happened once early on and I told her this will only happen one more time -It will be brief, full of searing pain, and permanent...  It was.

This boundary saved me from continuing to make the worst mistake of my life.  I am more than twice your age and have a lot of life experience and yet... I ended up in a dysfunctional relationship which it took me roughly a year to recover from.  Be kind to yourself. 

Someone who could cheat and lose thought of you so quickly is almost malicious and devilish in my mind. It’s a complete mind bender.

It took me quite a while to stop trying to apply my logic to her actions.  If I project my believe system upon her it will only cause me more pain in the form of cognitive dissonance (emotional confusion and pain).  What really clicked for me and was a big step out of a quagmire of sadness was understanding and embracing the concept of object permanence or consistency.  How could she do these things?  Well if she cannot keep the idea and feeling of my love in her mind then it explains everything.   Most importantly it meant there was nothing I could do to keep her love.

Yes -she loved me.  In fact she was head over heals in love -like never before.  Of course like never before -she forgot the other guy when she met me.  To be honest she cut him off at the knees -she was actually texting me while she broke his heart over dinner.  I now guess he had no idea it was coming.  I now guess she ghosted him suddenly, so in desperation and sadness he jumped on a plane and  flew 3 hours to ChongChing, the city where she and I were working.

This takes time.  I like this article. It is informative and has a message of kindness.
www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/breakups-with-women-with-traits-of-BPD/


Wicker Man

[Lucky Jim]

I liked helping her, I liked being that guy for her, and I liked that I could call her mine. I’m struggling to understand the good that should come out of this and how to try and put this all behind me.

Hey Hiscaru, Right, it feels good to be a White Knight/Helper.  On the other hand, helping is a way to avoid addressing one's own issues and is actually unhealthy for the pwBPD, who should be doing stuff for herself/himself.  She doesn't need your help, not really.  It's easy to get caught up in this dynamic.  Once you get hooked on helping, you open yourself up to manipulation and emotional abuse, as you note.

From what you describe, the reality was far different from your fantasy.  She cheated on you and emotionally abused you.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.  Just the way it is.  I suggest focusing on being grateful for parting ways with someone who was unhealthy for you.  Greater happiness awaits.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

three things.

1. completely mourn and grieve the relationship. feel all the feelings. process. cry. work through the stages of grief and of detachment.

2. actively work to heal the deep wound of rejection. learn to be a more emotionally mature, and emotionally resilient person.

3. when you are further removed from the pain, go back and examine the relationship through a new lens, with what you have learned. break down how the relationship really broke down, on both sides, as objectively and with as much self awareness as you can. we played a role, and its important to understand in terms of both detachment, and recovery.

[Hiscaru]

Ok well breaking news everyone, she has contacted me again as of an hour ago. The exact conversation was this:

Her: hiscaru
Me: What's up
Her: Holy Sh**, ok, um, I'm having an anxiety attack and you're the only person i know that knows how to calm me down
Me: 'a'
Her: what
Me: what do you want me to say...
Her: idk
Me: I can't be that person you goto anymore, you don't want me to be
Her: ok
Me: You'll be okay, if you are seriously hurt you can call me for a minute.
Her: I dont wanna bother you
Me: Its fine 'a', let me know.

And that was it. No response from her after I said that.Again, this is after she cheated on me twice with the same guy, texted me that she didn't want to be friends, and started pursuing him as a relationship. Am I missing something here? Why in gods name would she think it's okay to see come to me for help, and why does she need to come to me for help if she is with another guy? And before yall say "just block her phone number" I can't do that. She's unstable. Regardless of if we are together or not, I'm still her lifeline. She has tried to commit suicide several times, and if she truly needs me I offered to be there for her. What does she want from me? Am I the person she's going to come to with emotions just so she can mess around with the other guy? I don't get it.

I've heard that people with BPD generally forget and move on much quicker, if that's the case, then maybe she doesn't have BPD?

[Turkish]

She'll take whatever you indicate you are willing to give.  Despite what she did to you,  she still may appreciate what you gave her (love and safety). PwBPD are impulsive,  driven by emotions that are uncontrollable. 

My ex,  the mother of our children,  asked me to come back. That was over two years after she left me for the guy she married,  "The One." That was after being so cocksure and arrogant that she was doing the right thing by leaving me.

Prior to her asking to come back (not to me, but she wanted to be with our kids more than half time) were a few late night phone calls of her crying and apologizing after they fought and he walked out.  I listened,  validated. She was still using me and I let her. 

I know the pain is still fresh, I was there,  and it sucked big time, For a year or more. Admittedly, it still does to me. However,  you're in the driver's seat now.  How you go forward is up to you.  You're in control, despite how much you still love her. 

[Hiscaru]

I know she'll take whatever she can get, but does this mean anything significant? She can't go a week of no contact before I get a message from her? Do you think she messed up whatever she may have had with the other guy and realizes now that I'm the only one who can help her? Or do you think these texts mean nothing and she just wants to use me?

[clvrnn]

It's going to be impossible for you to move on unless you take steps to stop contact, including blocking her.

[Sandb2015]

Hiscaru,

I take it that you are finished with her and still want to keep the connection, ther's nothing wrong with that because I see you have developed good boundaries.

Are you feeling finished mostly because she cheated?  If that didn't happen would your frame of mind be different?  To what degree is the "other guy" thing playing a part in your connection with her?

It does seem that pwBPD may seek out attention of another when certain cycles come of the rs.  Others may know more about it.

The question you have, I have as well is, if they are with someone else, why bother with us, why seek out our attention or validation.

On another note, I went to a Narcissistic MEET UP group last night and meeting up with people was nice, the group was all women and one was older, lifetime housewife and angry, very angry for just cause, she was 66 years old and tossed out by the NARC, terrible.  The moderator stated that there are usually 7 recycles, I questioned it nicely.

[Hiscaru]

The thing is, I don't want to completely cut her off, I'm not that type of guy. I want their to be  boundaries as stated above, but she needs to know that I'm not at her beck and call anymore. I mean, does she honestly think what she did is ok? Does she honestly think that I still care about her the same as I did when we were dating?

[Hiscaru]

And its not that I was finished after she cheated on me, I'm a man that always gives a second chance. If she wanted to come back and figure things out, I was more then willing to. She made it apparent to me that she did not want to come back which makes all of this much stranger in my opinion. Maybe she does and she can't come to say it.

[JNChell]

I’ll echo Turkish: she’ll take whatever she can. That includes emotions. You’re feeling down and disheartened. I remember feeling very low and depressed over the final split with S4’s mom and myself. I lost my family. What are your goals within this situation?

[Hiscaru]

My goal is to find some closure. However I possibly can. If she continues to text me and come to me without even seeming to be the least bit apologetic, I will have no choice but to completely remove her from my life. My goal is to separate my feelings from our relationship and in the future consider her a friend. We've done a lot, a lot more then most normal couples would do. I don't feel the connection we once had, and I don't feel like I can get back together with her even if SHE wanted to. My goal is to slowly get her more and more out of my life.

[Turkish]

How does closure sound to you, exactly?

From what you wrote, "casual friends," though you indicated you would be open to getting back together.

We don't try to push so hard on this board for members fresh fro  a break up (that's on Learning). The actions, often cold and also confusing, of an ex can be brutal, even shocking. I was where you are. It sucks.

[Hiscaru]

It sucks a lot to be honest. I guess closure to me would be knowing that she feels guilty and feels bad for what she did. Her texting me repeatedly is only worsening what I feel as of right now. From everybody own experience, if someone with BPD cheats on you, and then text you a couple weeks later out of the blue, what exactly does this mean?

[once removed]

From everybody own experience, if someone with BPD cheats on you, and then text you a couple weeks later out of the blue, what exactly does this mean?

im not sure you can extrapolate from other experiences in this case.

what does it mean in your case?

well, what shes doing is pretty insensitive, for sure.

i suggested in another thread of yours that there is likely an element of her needing to feel better about what she did, and as far as shes concerned, if you feel like shes okay (youre the person she did wrong to), that means shes okay. it sounds to me like shes testing that.

what do you think?

[Hiscaru]

Well she ended up texting me several times the last two weeks. Kinda petty stuff basically just trying to reach me. She texted me telling me she was having an anxiety attack and I was the only one who could help. She texted me about something she was learning that I told her about in our relationship... seems to me she may have realized she messed up. I'm not quite sure though.

[Harri]

From my experience, it means she is testing you out to see if you are still available and care about her after cheating.  Nothing more than that though.  Once removed said this:
 

i suggested in another thread of yours that there is likely an element of her needing to feel better about what she did, and as far as shes concerned, if you feel like shes okay (youre the person she did wrong to), that means shes okay. it sounds to me like shes testing that.

and I think there is pretty accurate.  Does it mean she wants to get back together?  I don't think so.  I do think she probably is aware she messed up and wants the reassurance of you being there for her to help her manage her emotions.

[Tsultan]

Hiscaru, I think it's important for you to continue to stay focused on what your intentions are and what you want and need to do to take care of yourself. 

In reality, that is the only thing you have control over.  Trying to get into her mind will only lead to frustration for you and leave you with a sense of helplessness.

Tsultan

[JNChell]

Hiscaru, I echo Tsultan, the board bluegill, and say that focusing your energy there won’t help you feel the way you would like to feel. Harri also makes good points. I agree with her. You’re being tested. Do this, step away from it all and look at it for a minute. What do you see?