Progress or setback? Part 2

[Tazzer4000]

  So today's visit went pretty well. Progress I saw:
1. She stayed calm and told me she was frustrated instead of getting upset and raging.
2. She said my validation made her feel talked down to but didn't explode and accepted my explanation that it wasn't my intention and I talk to many other people the same way.
3. She claimed she now understands that we are the parents and she is required to live by our rules while she is in our home.
4. She is taking working her program seriously or at least it seems that way right now.

Possible setbacks:
1. She feels like she is being singled out by everyone, including the staff for things she believes are untrue(telling her she is selfish, acts entitled,  is mean.). Obviously I'm not there, but if she is comfortable and is acting like she did at home, I would say their criticism is accurate.  I didn't tell her that, just validated her feelings.
2. She is still of the opinion that she is better than everyone else there and that is not going to help her.
3. She is still trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants when she gets out (pay for a tattoo, immediately getting a job, find a way for her friends to come see her).

All in all, I'm taking this visit as progress as well. Tiny steps, but steps none the less. Keeping my fingers crossed that this keeps up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

Thanks for the update.

I’ve picked up a couple of things that I’d like to share. I’m saying these without knowing the real situation so if I’m way off then just say.

She said she didn’t like how she felt when you validate her. Do you think your validation needs adjusting in any way? I found my words were ok but I struggled to make it sound natural. I used eye contact, and body language, sometimes a big hug on its own. It could be that she’s so internally stressed the validation isn’t received as well as it might be if she were at home. You’re in difficult circumstances because of the environment.

Has she made a friend?   It’ll be interesting to see if her rigid thinking continues or she’ll bend to understand that her life would be easier working more collaboratively.

My son always sought out a “crew” or at least one friend he could partner up with - I’ll admit that’s when the troubles began on one trip when he was 15. However, by the end of it he reacted so positively to the regimen he had a sense of pride at what he achieved. Sadly, he slipped right back when he got home. But the thing is I was different then, we didn’t know about BPD and I thought I just had a delinquent on my hands. You on the other hand have the knowledge and the power it brings!

Your daughter seems to cope by looking forwards and planning when she returns. That’s a long way off yet and I’m sure that once she’s accepted her present situation and that it’ll be easier if she changes her approach, her  life will feel a bit more bearable.  It’s all about feelings.

Sense of entitlement and superiority seem to be a common occurrence. My son always ensured he was “top dog”. People skills are vital and your daughter will learn them - most probably the hard way!

Is she in contact with her friends at home?

LP

[Tazzer4000]

Hi Lollipop, thanks for the questions. Yes, I think my words are fine but they don't seem natural at the moment even though I'm being sincere. I will try your suggestions. As for friends no, not really. She doesn't like any of them and believes she is better than they are and doesn't really belong with them. I asked her if thinking that way was helping her and she knows it's not but doesn't seem to want to change it. Hopefully she will get there.

[Only Human]

I think my words are fine but they don't seem natural at the moment even though I'm being sincere.

I can totally relate to this, Tazzer! I remember saying I felt like a robot, it was so foreign to me. Keep at it, it really does become more natural.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

they don't seem natural at the moment

OH is so right!   Keep going.

The only way I found was to start using validation with everybody whenever an opportunity arose. I made it part of my life.

Two things happened.  My family learnt from me without even realising and they’re good now (even grumpy Hubble).  I had great trouble validating my younger son, even when I knew he needed it. I’ve no idea why that would occur in me but there you go - I think it may be because I was so focussed on my eldest son for so long and it affected my relationship with my youngest. Being here has helped heal my family.

Keep at it Tazzer. Light as a fairy in warm glowy airlight. You’ll be Irresistible!

 

LP