How codependency also means being controlling

[WitzEndWife]

The concept of a codependent also being controlling seems so counterintuitive at first. In so many ways, the codependent person hands over the reins to their partner. I allowed my uBPDh to set the tone of our initial relationship, to decide what we did on weekends, where we lived, what we ate for dinner, how we decorated and organized our home, and he always drives the car when we're together. But, these instances are all "permitted" by me because it allows me to hide behind him and avoid asserting my own power.

However, when it comes to him withdrawing affection or going out without me, I feel oddly out of control. For example, when he got angry the other night with me about something and said, "Well, I WAS going to stay for dinner, but I guess now I'll go out and drive since you're acting like this!" it made me feel so incredibly rejected and my impulse was to force him to stay. Pathetically, I have done this in the past, where he has done this kind of thing (like he is so disgusted by me, he can't be with me another minute) and I have blocked the door or pleaded with him. I've gotten past that, but the urge is still troubling. The fact that I would seek to physically control my partner in any way, or debase myself to that degree is horrifying. It's like abuse in response to abuse, in which case, two wrongs don't make a right.

For me, I'm happy for him to leave when it's my decision, or when I feel in control, but when he rejects me, it cuts deeply. I imagine all of this is at the root of my inability to tell him I'm not happy. The devaluation and loss of control that would bring about would be overwhelming.

I suspect I'm not alone, as it's known that codependents are, in fact, rooted in some form of control, but it's incredibly embarrassing to admit. My uBPDh is terrified of abandonment and rejection, but I'm also terrified of rejection - probably made worse by being with a pwBPD. I do think being able to admit this to myself and to others is part of the path to healing, though. It's definitely hard to confront the darker parts of yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

Very insightful, WEW

We codependents think we're so nice, and often we are. But we have ulterior motives.   

[Panda39]

Hi WEW,

There is a book called Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie that you might want to check out some time.

I read it and had a similar realization about my own part and motivations in my co-dependent dance with my alcoholic ex.  I admit I stayed in my marriage for the financial support for my son.  But my darker revelation was how much I used my husband's alcoholism as a way to boost my own poor self-esteem.  I got to be the "responsible one", "the good parent", "the boss" while he was the opposite.  I basically stepped on him to feel better about me.  And your right control is definitely at play.  I got to feel like I was in control, when everything was really out of control.

Panda39

[WitzEndWife]

Panda39, thanks for the book reco - I'll definitely check it out. I think my big "a-ha" here is the lengths I've gone to in order to protect myself from the pain of rejection. I've gone so far as to tamp down my own needs and desires and stay stuck in a relationship that doesn't serve me and often makes life worse. It's a lot to unravel here, but at least I'm at a start. I'm going to be doing a lot of reading about this codependency thing and how to get out of it.

[Red5]

*Panda39, thanks for the book reco - I'll definitely check it out.

*I'm going to be doing a lot of reading about this codependency thing and how to get out of it.

WEW, there is a book review here on bpdfam, link ~> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56458.0

There used to be the full audio book on youtube, but it has since been taken down (copyrights)…

I listened to the whole eight hours, it was very informative, and helpful to me,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Panda39]

It's a lot to unravel here, but at least I'm at a start. I'm going to be doing a lot of reading about this codependency thing and how to get out of it.

Good job, I think what you are doing...looking at you and your role in your relationship is key to being emotionally healthier, making better choices, and creating change.  One of the biggest things I learned here is that the only people we truly control is ourselves so taking a look at ourselves is really important.

Panda39

[once removed]

fear of rejection is very similar to the fear of abandonment. all of us have both, to varying degrees.

our fears can control us if we let them, in ways we may not even realize, because we build our lives (and our coping) around them in a way that is comfortable, and "works", at least until it doesnt.

The greatest problem people face in getting help for codependency is a lack of self-awareness; simply not seeing their role in the relationship dysfunction. Codependents instinctually know that the relationship is unhealthy but they are convinced that the problem lies with the other person or that the problem is situational. They keep complaining about and trying to fix the other person.

The concept of codependency provides a useful framework for examining how healthy our interactions are in relationships with others.  Becoming aware of your codependent traits is the first, and most important step in dealing with them.  With awareness comes the opportunity for change.  The fact is that codependency is learned - and as such, it can be unlearned.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

the flip side of all of this, the silver lining, is that by taking that deep dive, you can be less controlled by your fears, which can lead to being a more authentic you, which can be freeing and rewarding.