Well here I am 2..5 years later still stuck in a marriage with a BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wrote my first post in Dec/Jan 2017 and here we are July 2019.
We've had more roller coaster live together and my spouse has gotten
move critical and violent.   So - I asked her to leave and then she did and went to her mothers in NH.   On father's day she sent me a text saying she had left me, was with her mother and would be getting her own apt.   I am to traumatically bonded to her that I beg her to come back and she is thinking about it -but says she needs time away.   I know I am wasting my life with this woman and I need to divorce and move on.   So - I went back to our old therapist who told me in 2016 - if you want to be happy - you have to leave her.
I'm going to see an Attorney about the divorce mid July and was given a 2nd attorney recommendation today by my Financial Planner.   I will call them
on Monday.   She controls me too much and leaves me emotionally abused
so on 5/26 I finally wrote her a letter and said no more.   At this time is when
she really got angry and started slamming doors - spiting in my 29 year old daughter face - and has no remorse.   So I know its time to get out of this hell and I think I'm finally ready to do it.   Yet I feel so bad that I can't be her caretaker - which I know know is my crazy.

[Unsure35]

I wrote my first post in Dec/Jan 2017 and here we are July 2019.
We've had more roller coaster live together and my spouse has gotten
move critical and violent.   So - I asked her to leave and then she did and went to her mothers in NH.   On father's day she sent me a text saying she had left me, was with her mother and would be getting her own apt.   I am to traumatically bonded to her that I beg her to come back and she is thinking about it -but says she needs time away.   I know I am wasting my life with this woman and I need to divorce and move on.   So - I went back to our old therapist who told me in 2016 - if you want to be happy - you have to leave her.
I'm going to see an Attorney about the divorce mid July and was given a 2nd attorney recommendation today by my Financial Planner.   I will call them
on Monday.   She controls me too much and leaves me emotionally abused
so on 5/26 I finally wrote her a letter and said no more.   At this time is when
she really got angry and started slamming doors - spiting in my 29 year old daughter face - and has no remorse.   So I know its time to get out of this hell and I think I'm finally ready to do it.   Yet I feel so bad that I can't be her caretaker - which I know know is my crazy.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Unsure35 -

Now you’re unsure 37, is that correct?  Here’s my take, I don’t think anyone is ever feels “good” if they’re moving toward a divorce.  There are bound to be mixed feelings -sadness, anger, memories, happiness that pops up, frustration, questions, everything... but we have to look at the big picture.  What we want and NEED our lives to be like, to feel like.  Do most days “hurt” or feel good?  Only you can answer that...

Do your adult children discuss their mother’s behavior with you?  I know you cannot place them in the middle of these conflicts; but aside from your BPDw recently spitting at your 29-year old daughter, how does your wife normally treat your adult kids?

It is very important for you to keep speaking.  This is a safe place for you, whether you ultimately decide to stay and work on your marriage or leave.  We can support you either way.  It will also be helpful for you to continue seeing your therapist (T).  People who’ve been in these abusive relationships really do need and deserve support.  You deserve support.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

 Yet I feel so bad that I can't be her caretaker - which I know know is my crazy.

So..you seem to have an unusual level of insight to your perspective and "hook" into this relationship.

How long have you understood this?

What does this knowledge empower you to do?

Best,

FF