I'm so scared of divorce

[Summer7777]

I've been married to my husband for 14 years.  I often thought he had narcissistic personality, but now I think it's actually borderline personality or a combination of both.  He has had a few affairs.  We got through that.  In the past 2 years, he started an obsession with cross dressing.  He tells me everyone accepts him and I'm the one with the problem that I can't accept who he is.  Every time I tell him I don't like something he is doing, he begins an attack on my character or points out how I'm the problem, not him.  He is extremely emotionally reactive, however not violent.  He just yells and snaps at me or the kids.  I can't trust anything he says.  When he gets caught doing something wrong, he flips it on me.  At this point, I just want out, but I'm a student (ironically a psychiatric nurse-practitioner student) and I can't afford to leave until I'm done with school.  Also, I don't want to go through what I would guess will be a nasty divorce while I'm in school.  Everytime I'm at the end of my rope, he starts being nice and sweet again to pull me back in.  Then I wonder if I'm just crazy and none of that crazy stuff ever happened.  I go over things again and again with my friends, trying to figure out what I missed or if I'm actually in the wrong.  Mostly, I hear that he is a narcissist and I need to leave him.  We have a 13 year old daughter and 10 year old son together.  Also, my 16 year old (his step daughter) lives at home.  They basically hate each other.  Since she's at an emotionally reactive age, which is normal at her age, there has been a lot of yelling between them lately. 

Today, I tried to carefully explain why I think he has BPD and needs to have DBT therapy.  He insisted he could come up with a ton of examples where I fit the criteria.  My son and daughter kept coming up and interrupting the discussion.  After several attempts to get them to go away and let us talk, I sternly told them "Go away.  Daddy and I are talking!"  Then, that was ammunition for him to say I'm emotionally reactive.  I told him, "No, if I had slapped them in the face and told them they are terrible children, that would have been an example of being emotionally reactive."  By the end of it, I was exhausted.  I have usually resorted to staying away from him as much as possible and not discussing any issues between us because I know it will go nowhere.  Even when I use "I statements," it does nothing to help.  I'm just done.  Even if he gets help, I'm 99% sure nothing will ever change and he is only now saying he will go to therapy because I told him if he doesn't, I'm gone.  I will be surprised if he even goes.

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[once removed]

hi Summer7777,

fourteen years is a long time. it sounds like things are pretty tense. we can help!

do i understand correctly that you are done with the relationship, and essentially looking to learn to tolerate/survive until you can leave? its important to determine this, or whether you want to save and improve the relationship. its okay if youre not sure.

[Summer7777]

I guess I’m not sure.  Some days, like today, I just want to be done.  Then I start thinking about all those scary changes and it just feels overwhelming.  I just feel emotionally checked out from the relationship.  The more I pull away, the more I feel him pulling me back in.  At this point, his kisses, compliments, and back rubs feel like manipulation.

[ChTown]

Summer, I am (by no means) an expert, but I did want to say that I totally get it. My BPDh is very similar, and I, too, am in a very similar frame of mind. I've begun disassociating myself from him. I've started to pull away from him, so when he does break out with his usual, irrational anger, it doesn't affect me as much. Now, when he tries to lovebomb me, I find it intrusive, annoying, and just...i don't know...i just don't want him to do it at all. We're in a 'lovebombing' week right now, since on Sunday, he told me he wants to leave me.

So, i get you. I've only been on here for a week or two, but i've found the admins extremely helpful, as well as the associated literature that you can find on this site!

[Summer7777]

Sounds about right.  A week ago, he yelled at me that I disgust him and he wants a divorce.  This was because I had a drink with my cousin’s husband, who is a friend.  My husband said, “How does it feel to be PLEASE READing your cousin’s husband?” That in no way happened.  By that night, he sat next to me on the couch and put his arm around me.  I got up and slept in bed with my son.  In the middle of the night, he texted me a picture of the Father’s Day card I gave him saying that I love him and our life together.

[once removed]

The more I pull away, the more I feel him pulling me back in.  At this point, his kisses, compliments, and back rubs feel like manipulation.

its likely that he can sense you pulling away, and hes responding to that. people with bpd traits can be hypervigilant, and very aware of the waxing and waning of our affections.

so you may be getting both sides of the coin (love and hate) in response. getting emotionally centered and not caught up in which way his emotional wind is blowing can bring you some peace and stability.

I guess I’m not sure.  Some days, like today, I just want to be done.  Then I start thinking about all those scary changes and it just feels overwhelming.

we understand. i think regardless of the path you choose, the tools can help you. it sounds like there are circular arguments going on (a lot of us are familiar with those) and learning to break that cycle, and not to JADE are some of the easiest first steps.

more on not JADEing here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0
stopping circular arguments: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

do you think these are approaches that can help?