First time, a senior yoyo

[Spatts]

This is very hard for me. I'm 65 and faced with making stressful, major life changes soon (retirement, downsizing, etc.). I'm a professional and think I should be able to handle most challenges. I can't. Five years ago I met C and quickly fell in love. Happiness filled a void in my life. Loneliness found an elixir. But soon I saw strange behaviors - moods that would change quickly. Unjustified anger. Deceit. Lack of empathy. Selfishness. Lack of appreciation for things I did out of love. Twice a full-blown episode where her physical appearance changed, and once she dumped me in front of her daughter that she proudly had arranged our first-time meeting. A casebook study of BPD, although she has never been evaluated. Yet I was drawn back to her, time after time. Five years later and a history of literally dozens of dumps, usually 3-4 days disengaged, but over the years lasting up to six weeks. After two years, an engagement for marriage that went nowhere for eleven months. She lives an hour away, and would visit me on weekends, but I was rarely invited to her place, and a couple times turned away. But days later she would come back as though nothing happened. Since the engagment was broken off two years ago, we continue to see each other intimately. I discovered I contracted genital herpes. I'd been faithful to her. Our fun times together would be followed by her finding something about me to argue about, complaints about her lack of income, then the chronic distancing. Episodes became more frequent. Arguments more heated, and not restricted just to her, as I ended up probing her on line activities and writing things I am ashamed of. However, I refuse to apologize for things I did not do that she accuses me of doing. I react with horrible written expressions. Facts mean nothing to her. Accusations made without context. There has never been any physical altercation, but she literally stole the dog I purchased us during the engagement and left in the middle of the night, prompting the end of the engagement and a civil case where she got the dog but I got a monetary judgment that she has yet to abide by now over one year. I'm now in one of those periods again where she has distanced herself after a fun week's vacation that I primarily financed. No apologies from her. No thank you's for my generosity. I'm scared. I keep letting this go on because at my age I do not want to be alone. Usually when we are together we enjoy ourselves and have fun; it's a wonderful feeling which makes breaking off tht much harder. I can't imagine at my age finding someone to replace her, especially considering the herpes. I have major health issues, too. Diabetes 2. Back surgery. Nerve disorder causing drop foot. A stroke all since we met. Yet I continue to work. I continue to be active bicycling, working around the yard, beaching, traveling. I have a hard time seeing myself do those things alone although at times I've tried, like a solo trip to St Croixlast year. During some break-up periods I renewed on-line dating activity. I hate it, but it always got her back. I also have justification to believe at some point I will need support to manage daily physical challenges. I'd appreciate some insight, as when these episodes occur, I now feel a sense of relief but also fear. Oh, and I have sought free counseling through my employer's serrvices for the really rough times, had a one-hour phone session with Shrink4men psychologist, and even arranged for a joint counseling after the first year in which C walked out in the fourth session when the focus turned on her behaviors. She's also had a couple individual sessions with a therapist and always seems better after, but it is short term. She says she has no money to continue or seek help, but I dont think she want it or thinks she needs it. It's 1:30 am as I write this first post, an indicator that this is weighing heavily on my mind. Thanks for listening, support and any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, Spatts! Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you've found us here. We're a supportive group and we've got a lot of experience to share.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Health issues are stressful. BPD relationships are stressful. Put them together and, well, that's a lot to deal with.

There are things you can do that can improve a relationship. A lot of it comes down to communication tools. But that's no guarantee and it takes a lot of patience and hard work. We can help you with that, though, if that's what you want!

From the sounds of things, you have a real push-pull dynamic going on and the pattern doesn't sound healthy at all. I can understand not wanting to be alone and thinking ahead to your own physical needs. One thing to think about: If she doesn't improve, is this the type of relationship you want to have? Is she likely to want to/be able to take care of you when/if it comes to that?

[Red5]

Welcome Spatts!

This is a good place, as Ozzie101 says, there are 'tools' that we can learn about here on this website, and use to a degree of success in these relationships, but it is hard work, and you have to be very honest with yourself, and as well be very strong over the long term.

These relationships with whom we may suspect is a borderline, or else even traits of narcissism… are very draining on us, us the 'non'.

If your comfortable, can you tell us a bit more about your life, were you married before, do you have adult children, how did you come to meet your partner… is she diagnosed, or else not… how long have you suspected bpd (borderline personality disorder).

… I too sometimes follow the website persona you mentioned (among many), in fact it led me here back in 2016.

So to share notes… I am 53 myself, married before (21 years/divorced)… was a single dad for about 5 years afterwards, dated… then met "my soul mate"… we dated for 3.5 years, then married, we have been married or 8 years, so eleven years total… we separated back in December, so now seven months… she was also married before, also 20 years… she has two adult children in their thirties… I have three adult children in their twenties/thirties… my oldest is an autistic, and lives with me permanently… I'm retired Marine Corps… and am now seven years into a second civil service career… I also have a few health concerns, as old age does catch up with us all… and to add to it, my wife (undiagnosed borderline) has stage iv cancer…

I can concur / relate to your post... all the behavioral mannerisms you are describing are the same, the same as I've read about, and experienced… as though these folks all went to the same school, or have the same users guide or something… very interesting... I remember thinking… "what is this, why is she so angry all the time, at the drop of a hat?"… "what changed, is it me?"…

Then one night, as I had started to read, learn, "why"… I came across bpd-npd… and it "clicked".

Question… have you read any books on this… there is a whole list of "holy grail" books to read about borderline, anti-social, histrionic, narcissism, the "cluster "B's"… many non's report, "wow, I'm reading about me, and my significant other, it ALL fits… so this is what is going on!"... yeah : (

Anyways, welcome Spatts, keep posting, tell us more if your comfortable… and keep learning!

Kind regards, Red5

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Spatts-

I’d like to welcome you to our community.  I’m sorry you find yourself in stress and sadness, but glad you’ve joined us.  As our other friends have said, there are many tools on this site that can aid in improving communication with pwBPD (people with BPD).

I feel compelled to begin here:
Not to appear “Pollyanna-ish”, but since you brought up herpes as your first roadblock to finding “someone to replace her”, I beg to differ.  I believe herpes will have little to NO impact on your meeting a lovely woman if you ultimately decide to exit this relationship.  The greatest “danger” of herpes to a woman is during childbirth, and I presume you are beyond that desire. 

I am 61; and in our age group, approximately 35%+ or more of the people have herpes (either diagnosed or not).  Think back - during those relatively “free” years, most women were on the pill, used diaphragms or IUDs; there was no aids yet, so most people did not use condoms because unprotected sex wasn’t “dangerous” per se.

My boyfriend “gave” me h in 1979.  I saw something on him, asked about it and he lied, saying he’d caught himself in his zipper.  I was of course devastated when I went to the doctor (with my mom) and we were BOTH told my diagnosis.  BUT... No man, not subsequent BF’s, my ex-H or my BPFbf have ever opted out because of h.  The interesting thing is that most of them also had it.  However I was the one who made the disclosure, told them they could read and learn about it so an informed decision could be made and THEN they told me they had it, too.

Bottom line, it has NOT interfered in my life or who I loved.  If someone walks because of the “h” they probably wouldn’t be a good give and receive partner.  As we age, a give and receive partner / lover is pretty vital in my book.

I believe your other health issues can be positively managed as well.  For example, A loving partner can help manage diabetes through menu planning, joint meal prep and exercise participation.  A lot of it is mindset, right?

Many pwBPD get stuck in cycles of negativity and dark stress.  And at times we allow ourselves to be pulled into that.  It’s difficult not to be on their cycles, but that’s up to us... how WE want to engage in OUR lives.

Retirement can be exciting.  A new adventure!  New opportunities to seek out things you’ve wanted to explore.  It doesn’t have to be the END of anything, does it?  Mindset.

So Spatts- does she fit into what YOU want?  Maybe that’s part of the question...

Can or will she hold her own financially?  Maybe that’s part of  the question...

Is she the kind of partner YOU want, or not?  Maybe that’s part of the question...

We don’t need to attend therapy only when we’re in “crisis”.  T can also be helpful to process stream of consciousness things when we’re at a crossroads.  Or talk through stuff here.

Regardless of where you are today (no decisions are needed right at this very moment); please come back, explore this site and let’s talk.  This is a very safe place for you to process your thoughts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes