If BPD are afraid of abondonment, why is my wife divorcing me?

[1315]

I'm reading all over the internet that BPD spouses often use threat of divorce in numerous situations. My wife left out of the blue 4 weeks ago, telling me she was divorcing me and already had an apartment. She has not been diagnosed because she will not see a therapist. Shes searching for her own answers by listening to podcasts and journaling.

We have an appointment in 5 days to sign legal paperwork. All her idea. I do not want this. I am deeply in love with my wife. We have had really no contact in the last month. She seems very serious. I have not contacted her because I was warned in one of my first posts not to chase her. I'm losing it. I don't know what to do. She has left twice before during our relationship. Once since we got married and was fairly soon after our marriage. She thought I was having an affair (farthest from the truth). She thinks I am incapable of having the connection with her that she needs. She has had the rages and out of control anger. She has the history of physical and sexual abuse as a child. She has had eating disorders. She is completely impulsive. She seems incapable of forgiving me or asking for forgiveness. All her friendships seem to fall apart. She has taken all of our money.

I keep hoping for a miracle and that she will decide to reconcile with me. Most of my family think I am nuts for wanting to continue the relationship. Perhaps I am but I'm in more despair now than ever in our relationship. I have constantly been walking on eggshells. That has lessened as of late because I actually thought we were doing better. She seems very set on divorce. I guess she is devaluing me...a lot. I found this definition of Devaluation in another post: "Devaluation is when they suddenly behave as if they don't value you anymore.  They become inexplicably cool toward you for no discernible rhyme or reason.  And they seem to have no memory of how much they adored you yesterday." I have an appointment with a therapist for me but it isnt until Sept. 30. Im trying to keep it together until then.

I'm scared to death to go to the lawyer in 5 days. I dont know how Im going to be around her. The last time she split I begged her not to go...she left anyway. I was in tears and she doesn't seem to care at all. It seems so final. I've nearly lost all hope. She has been my whole life for the past 12 years. I have let friendships fall away because I devoted myself to making her happy. I cannot imagine my life without her. We were just planning on my retirement and moving away to another state. My life was turned inside out...literally out of nowhere. I know my postings seem to say the same things over and over. I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm hopeless.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[hardrockcy]

maybe she is expecting you to go and tell her that you love her very much and show her that you want her by taking her out for a romantic dinner and make love to her!  it is the well bpd behaviour 'i hate you dont leave me'!
otherwise she may already has got a replacement, where things will be more difficult for you!
keep us updated.

[hardrockcy]

They become inexplicably cool toward you for no discernible rhyme or reason.  And they seem to have no memory of how much they adored you yesterday." I have an appointment with a therapist for me but it isnt until Sept. 30. Im trying to keep it together until then.

I lived this too! she was adoring me for 8 years, I left for over a year to show her that I dont like her behaviour that caused stress and alopecia to our son and we' ve been living next door, contact everyday trying to tell her that she has to change for the health of our son and all of us and all of a sudden instead of admitting her mistakes she started dating someone else.  they cannot love, but they just need somebody.  like an object.  DISSORTED.

[1315]

Hardrocky, believe me I would love to take her out and do all of the things you suggested. I was told early on in my postings here not to push her, give her space, don’t chase. I fight every day not to reach out to her. I was told wait for her to contact me. If I thought she would be receptive to any contact from me I would have already done that. My desperation to save my marriage is massive. This is killing me.

[Red5]

Hello 1315,

I have read, and now I think I understand this… the borderline's #1 fear is that of abandonment, this is what we know… that said, what they feel inside is the constant fear of said rejection and abandonment… and always looking for validation, and all the while hoisting us non's upon the pillar of ideation… so what happens… ain't long till we haplessly fail them, most time we don't even realize its happening… so boom! enter the devalue stage… now the borderline must try to make sense of their inner turmoil of the perceived betrayal… so, in order to control the situation as they "feel it", as their feelings equal facts to them, sometimes, the borderline will sabotage the relationship, now the discard phase… sort of like a "preemptive strike"… they seem to think, well, he has betrayed me… fill in the ____ there, could be anything… most times we the non never see it coming either… so the borderline says to themselves, he is betraying me (wtf?)… I KNEW I couldn't trust him… (child wound) so I'll leave first, before he does (divorce threats)… control - punish… its the same cycle… it repeats, maybe over weeks, months, or even years to decades…

There you have it !… very sad ; (

Does this make sense to you?

I told my own wife, we've been separated now for nine months… "I am sorry you feel this way (she told me she wanted a divorce)… I don't share your feelings, and right now I'll have non of it… I need some time, and I need some space"… then disengage, detach, and leave it right there… don't feed it, don't agree with it… don't go along with it… 'divorce', if that's not what you want… one thing about borderlines… we as the non must sometimes keep them accountable, a tall order… so if she wants a divorce, she has to own that… but you don't!

Its all about control, remember that, many different reasons for their never ending need to control, and as well the punish part of control.

Hang in there ok!

Red5