concerned he is suicidal/homicidal, his family down plays it and turns on me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What experiences are out there when it comes to concern of suicide/violence of a BPD? As well as what happens when reaching out to their loved ones regarding it? I have been trying so hard to detach from the father(pwBPD) of my child. He is a felon w 3 domestic charges last one being trying to strangle me. Ive posted before regarding this. There is a NC w an amendment that we can have contact only.in regards to our child. This morning I felt as though he was suicidal when on the phone w him. Ive been doing good of not communicating w him unless its sterile conversation regarding our child? But doesnt always happens. Today he was completely unstable, screaming at me over the phone, crying hysterically, like SOBBING. Hurting all that. I felt he was using it as manipulation so.i told.her him.i could no longer continue the convo and to.not.contact me unless within the order. This hurt him and contiued to sob and sob and sob and hung up on me. I was concerned so I reached out to his family, sent a group.message of 4 close members simply stating i am concerned he is suicidal and that I am.not.going to be involved further except.to tell.them my genuinr concern. I was ganged up on, "give.us details" "why are you saying this" " I talked to him and I seems just fine". "This is a serious claim to make to his family"  "youre just mad at him". I told them I am not.playing.into detail, I.have given u the info that I am concerned for his safety and I do not need to give any.more.info. ball in your court..i don't want.this responsibility anymore..but.he tells.them all.im crazy and all.of a sudden I'm.a bitch because I won't elabirate further. I feel as tho I dont need to elaborate and.ive expressed my concern now my job is done. None of them know his rage and.instability! Now I just regret tellimg.tjem anything because they think I was being vindictive and that I'm crazy and when they talk to him he's completely fine ! Grrrrr

[Empath12]

What experiences are out there when it comes to concern of suicide/violence of a BPD? As well as what happens when reaching out to their loved ones regarding it? I have been trying so hard to detach from the father(pwBPD) of my child. He is a felon w 3 domestic charges last one being trying to strangle me. Ive posted before regarding this. There is a NC w an amendment that we can have contact only.in regards to our child. This morning I felt as though he was suicidal when on the phone w him. Ive been doing good of not communicating w him unless its sterile conversation regarding our child? But doesnt always happens. Today he was completely unstable, screaming at me over the phone, crying hysterically, like SOBBING. Hurting all that. I felt he was using it as manipulation so.i told.her him.i could no longer continue the convo and to.not.contact me unless within the order. This hurt him and contiued to sob and sob and sob and hung up on me. I was concerned so I reached out to his family, sent a group.message of 4 close members simply stating i am concerned he is suicidal and that I am.not.going to be involved further except.to tell.them my genuinr concern. I was ganged up on, "give.us details" "why are you saying this" " I talked to him and I seems just fine". "This is a serious claim to make to his family"  "youre just mad at him". I told them I am not.playing.into detail, I.have given u the info that I am concerned for his safety and I do not need to give any.more.info. ball in your court..i don't want.this responsibility anymore..but.he tells.them all.im crazy and all.of a sudden I'm.a bitch because I won't elabirate further. I feel as tho I dont need to elaborate and.ive expressed my concern now my job is done. None of them know his rage and.instability! Now I just regret tellimg.tjem anything because they think I was being vindictive and that I'm crazy and when they talk to him he's completely fine ! Grrrrr

[Empath12]

Might I add when they say all these things it pisses me right off and I DO start acting rudely and mean which only confirms their opinion.of me. So infuriating.

[AskingWhy]

Sadly, the reason BPDs are indeed BPD are their FOO.  The dysfunction arises from the dynamics of the dysfunctional family.  Those families don't see anything wrong in the BPD family member, or want to blame the partner of that family member. 

I know as a fact that my uBPD H is a direct product of a uNPD F and enabling M.  I have seen enough of them to know they have an odd symbiosis.  The MIL worked her entire married life to provide luxuries and pastimes for her H, who worked as little as possible, yet thought a great deal of himself.   

If your partner is suicidal or in danger of harming anyone, a call to the authorities is in order.

[Empath12]

I called the authorities first and they said they would not do a wellness check unless he actually said something suicidal. Which in this instance, he didn't. Mostly because he was sobbing so hard he could barely speak. Thats when I let his family know. I give. Up.

[AskingWhy]

At a certain point, many of us nons make the decision to step back and stop enabling, letting our pwBPD take the consequences for their actions.

You are correct that pwBPD are like chameleons.  Even if you called social workers or the police, your H can appear to be rational and make you out to be the crazy one.

Many of our partners are surrounded by children and family members who are likewise PDs to varying degrees, and yet our partners make us out to be their punching bags, projecting their rage and hurt on to us. 

What are your future plans in the R/S? 

[Empath12]

My future plans...i want OUT. I love him and wish hed change. But that's not happening. I cant heal like this, still involved. The guilt of him hurting and no one else understanding his disorder, keeps me in contact w him and it keeps me still available to him. I feel like I cant get out. I feel stuck. I also hate the reality of truly not being w him when we do go days without speaking. But that is loss I have to deal w. cant ever seem to firmly end it. Ive never been strong through break ups let alone a break up w BP who is also the father of my child. Is it cold of me to completely not entertain anything he has to say unless its to do w our child ? I feel so heartless when I do that. When he is sobbing I am supposed to just hang up and what happens happens?

[Cat Familiar]

Compassion can keep us hooked. And often we believe that we can still have some ability to “fix things” even when time and time again we’ve been shown that we can’t.

You’ve got a child to protect and the best way to do that is to make sure that you’re mentally healthy.

It’s sad, but sometimes we have to let go to protect the ones who need our protection.

[Witz_End]

Compassion can keep us hooked. And often we believe that we can still have some ability to “fix things” even when time and time again we’ve been shown that we can’t.

You’ve got a child to protect and the best way to do that is to make sure that you’re mentally healthy.

It’s sad, but sometimes we have to let go to protect the ones who need our protection.

A rough part of that is it's easy to be so invested in the idea that that BPD loved one *is* one of those who needs our protection.  Even separated, it's hard not to care and it's an ingrained thing that a part of being a caring person is to protect people we care about, even from themselves if need be.

But, as a wise talking horse in another section here pointed out to me, that can only go so far - who is ultimately responsible for his safety?  An inverse of that is, who is ultimately responsible for your wellbeing, Empath?

People with mental disorders do tend to require an extent of looking out for, but there is a line of taking too much responsibility on - especially with disorders that can take advantage of that.  More than one person in his family was made aware.    I'm sure it was difficult enough for you to reach out to them, the way that they seem to be, but you did and it was a good thing to do.  As frustrating as I imagine it is, there is not much more that can be done.

I say this, but struggle with it, too.