Partner got violent

[Oz2016]

Hi Folks,

Hope you're doing well. I've posted a couple of times on here before since my situation keeps getting worse.

I have been very close to leaving my BPD partner on a number of occasions. In fact some time ago I spoke to lawyers about separating. However, I did not feel ready to take the plunge given that there were a number of risks - especially I didn't think that the lawyers offered a good enough set of protections against my BPD partner taking our child. So I stayed. My partner then decided she wanted another child and threatened to leave me if I didn't comply. Since I felt that divorce was too risky, I did so and now she is almost ready to give birth.

Things have been pretty bad (see my other posts) but at the weekend they got even worse. We had actually had a fairly good weekend but then our 3 yo son put some conditioner in the cup she uses to wash her toothbrush after she brushes her teeth. She told me to wash it. I didn't wash it well enough for her so she told me to drink water out of it. I refused but washed it again. She then went on a little rant about how selfish I am. I remained silent. I returned to my room (we sleep in separate rooms). She then banged the wall, which she usually does to summon me when she needs help with something. I refused to come through since she had behaved so badly. She banged again more loudly. I still refused to come. So she came out of her room and into mine. She turned on the light and yelled at me to get up and 'do my work'. I said 'no'. She opened my curtains and window to get me up. She tried to pull off the covers from my bed to get me up. She picked up my phone and threw it at the floor. Our son was watching the whole time. I gathered the covers over me and huddled up in bed. She proceeded to hit me with two hardback books she had been reading to our son. I looked her in the eye and told her she was an abusive spouse, that I would record what she was doing and that there would be consequences. I told her I would call the police. This made her worse - she hit me again.

In the meantime our son had climbed into bed with me and said he wanted to sleep here with me. She picked him up and took him with her to her bed. He got up again and came back through to me. She came through in tears admitting that he said he wanted to be with me and not her. She then burst into tears and slumped down against the wall. She said we needed to get separated straight away and that I could have full custody of her oldest son if she got the baby. She said that she didn't want to share him but that since he was rejecting him she would rather I just have him completely. I said it was not the time to talk about it. She talked on and on about how awful I am and how unhappy she is. She said I was so weak for being so upset about being hit with a book (in fact she claimed that the book 'fell' on me - it did not, she hit me with it). She said 'go ahead - call the police - where are your bruises? where are your marks?').

 I tried to listen as best I could and reassure her as per the advice given on here about dealing with conflict. Finally she went to bed. I went back to bed with my son who had been asking me to come in and close the door. I sang to him while he fell asleep. She then came back in seeming somewhat calmer. She said he needed to sleep in bed with her in case he fell out of my bed. I didn't want any further conflict so I carried him out and put him to bed with her.

The following day was much calmer. Essentially she acted as though nothing had happened.

I really do not know what to do. I don't think that when she is not splitting she will hold to letting me have full custody and in any event I do not want to leave my second child with her. I have a hellish choice in front of me - to my mind at least she is severely ill and causing serious damage to me and my son (he has started having behavioral problems with violence towards other kids, which she of course blames me for). She takes precisely zero responsibility for her behavior. She might even have forgotten what she said and did on Saturday. However, divorce will also be a nightmare as she is so high conflict. On Saturday, when I told her that she was being violent she claimed that I had hit her before (this is absolutely untrue) and that I had pushed her during an incident a few years ago (also untrue and the first time she has ever claimed this). She seemed to genuinely believe that I had been violent too and I suspect that she may make claims to this effect if we do go to the family court.

I really am in an awful situation and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Best

O2

[GaGrl]

How often has she been violent before? Is this a significant escalation over previous rages?

Are you documenting or journaling?

How close to the second baby's due date is she? What was the post-partum experience like with your son's birth?

Sorry for all the questions -- just trying to get a sense of what might ahead for you.

[Oz2016]

Thanks for the reply...No I'm glad you're asking these questions.

To answer your questions.

1) Hard to say exactly. She has previously slapped my face while I was driving down a busy high street (at approx. the same time in the last pregnancy that we are at now), thrown a kettle at me which smashed (along with various other household implements), slapped my testicles (for 'fun', even though I told her not to), slapped me awake when I was snoring, poked me in the ribs aggressively, grabbed and torn my shirt twice. I think that's it.

2) I am documenting, with dates.

3) We are one week away

4) Postpartum experience last time was horrific.

[GaGrl]

So she has been violent on multiple past occasions.

You have a lot to get through in the coming weeks and months. Is it your intent to be with her for the birth and then stay in the house to support her during the post-partum period? Are you anywhere close to a plan should she become violent then?

I do have a couple of suggestions, since it sounds as if you have not solidified your longer term plans yet.

1)  Can you arrange to speak with her doctor to discuss how the last post-partum behaviors and difficulties? He/she might have some suggestions, and it would at least flag someone in case you need to show that her DV had been brought to someone's attention.

2) This could be the time to really define the boundaries you will protect going forward. So far, you have tolerated her violence -- she has had no consequences, so she feels free to do it again. Is it your intention to continue to "take it"? Can you have a conversation with your local police -- let them know of the DV so she can't accuse you, and ask what the police actions would be should you call/report the violence?

[Oz2016]

Thanks again for the swift response.

I'm not sure what my intentions are. The first few months will be very hard. I think the best idea at present is to stick around unless I think I might really lose it. If that happens, then I simply need to go.

Last time I spoke to a PND hotline about what was happening. At that point I hadn't heard of BPD and thought it was just PND. The person I spoke to however, based on my description, said she thought that it sounded like she (that is, my wife) was abusive. She sent me an email with some resources and suggestions (I found it in my inbox the other day and saved it).

I may also flag it with a doctor. This would of course have to be confidential.

In terms of an escape plan, I have been quietly building up a store of spare clothes in my office in case I need to leave. I have also spoken to some friends who have said I could stay with them should I need to. I should also get hold of clothes and other things for my oldest. The problem is the youngest child before he is on solid foods. I don't feel like I can just safely leave him with my wife.

One thing that concerns me is whether people would believe me. She is very good at putting on a public face. If people could actually see what she was like when she splits, there would be no doubt. But of course she never does it when anyone else is around (except of course our oldest).

[GaGrl]

Do I remember correctly that she does not have citizenship in your country?

My husband dealt with that also -- his wife did not have U.S. citizenship until almost 10 years after their marriage, and he was always afraid she would take the children to Thailand.

[Oz2016]

Yes that is correct. Might I ask what happened with your husband in the end?

[GaGrl]

My husband's ex valued her house, car, and the $$$ she had by living in the U.S. so much that it became obvious that taking the children back to Thailand was not an option for her. My DH designed and had built a modern house on the property she inherited from her father, surrounded by a wall.  The house, plus money she sent to support her mother, gave her status in the village. She has since built another house on the compound and may retire there with her current boyfriend -- not a worry, since our children are in their 30s. But I think she knows that living there permanently will reveal her issues to her family and village friends -- now when she visits for a short time, she can hold it together.

[Oz2016]

I see. That's good to hear. In my case my wife might be able to have a good standard of life in her home country but it would also be hard. They are not very tolerant towards single mothers especially with mixed race kids. She also has a difficult relationship with her parents.

I am increasingly thinking however that I have to leave, and simply manage the fallout as best I can.

[PeteWitsend]

I see. That's good to hear. In my case my wife might be able to have a good standard of life in her home country but it would also be hard. They are not very tolerant towards single mothers especially with mixed race kids. She also has a difficult relationship with her parents.

I am increasingly thinking however that I have to leave, and simply manage the fallout as best I can.

talk to a lawyer.

my XW is a US citizen now, by virtue of our marriage.  but she was born abroad.

in my state, there are guidelines and factors that are used by judges to determine if she can take the kids abroad.

get the right to keep the passports.  my dumb lawyer screwed that right up.

Weighing against international travel:
- The country isn't a signer of the Hague Convention
- the US state department has elevated levels of risk against travel there.  Like Categories 3 or 4.
- active war or insurgency in the country
- spouse has few ties to the US, and more ties abroad.

Regarding the last factor, the judge held that my wife (a professional licensed in her profession in the US, with her mom here, and a house here) had more ties to the US, and was therefore unlikely to take kidnap our kids... so she can travel with them, subject to some notice provisions.  Her father, grandma, aunt & uncle all live in her home country.  she has no more immediate family than that.

[GaGrl]

There was no prejudice against biracial children in Ex's country (Thailand) -- the history of U.S. military facilities along the Thai-Laotian border during the Vietnam War meant strong relationships were in place. The culture is one in which anything one does to better the family's financial status was applauded, and Ex wanted to live in the U.S. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of letting DH's sister hear her tell another Asian friend (in English) that she married DH to come to America.

I'm thinking she doesn't want to take the children away. But the control of the passports, along with a flag put on the passports by the State Department, should handle that concern.

[Turkish]

Oz2016,

I agree that your wife is abusive.  That your youngest isn't on solid foods... you can do baby food, yes?  There are multiple issues here.

1. Your kids, and them being exposed to DV. Though they aren't targets, it isn't good for them to see this, especially your eldest.

2. You being safe, which means you can be a safe parent for them.  As it is, this sounds extremely difficult.

3. She being about to give birth, which makes 1 and 2 so much more difficult.  Have you recently connected with those resources? It sounds scary that she might turn it around on you to paint herself the victim. 

It's a good thing that you are documenting everything. How do you think you might approach a doctor, knowing that he or she is a mandatory reporter?

[AskingWhy]

Oz, I suggest you read, "Splitting," by lawyer/LCSW Bill Eddy.  It's a handbook for divorcing someone w NPD or BPD.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1608820254

[Oz2016]

Thanks for the recommendation. I listened to it on an audiobook. It's pretty scary, especially wrt 'distortion campaigns'. Ideally I would like it to be amicable.

[Oz2016]

I called a domestic violence line as well this week. It took me about an hour of talking to their representative to convince her that I was not the abuser. My relationship counsellor told me that I should only call the police in the event that I think she could be on the verge of killing or seriously injuring me or the kids because the chances are they won't believe that I as a much larger male could be the victim.

I could talk about it not being fair but at the end of the day it just underscores my need to keep records, gather evidence and above all keep calm and not give any reason to come across like the aggressor.

My counsellor recommended I simply leave the house in the event of trouble or if this is not possible lock myself away somewhere safe until she has calmed down.

[kells76]

Hi Oz2016;

So sorry for what you're going through. Good job reaching out for help here, with your C, and the hotline 

I'm usually over on the Family Law board, but as my DH has 2 kids with his xuBPD, I sometimes track other threads where kids are involved.

My counsellor recommended I simply leave the house in the event of trouble

What would it be like if you took your son with you when you "took a break" from the house? It might be a safer environment for him with you versus with mom.

Here's an idea for documentation that you can consider. Go to a Starbucks or something and buy a drink and get a receipt. Take Son with you too, buy him a kids treat, and make sure it's on the receipt. Keep the receipt -- which shows "one caffeinated adult drink plus one kids sippy cup" -- somewhere safe so that there's a record that you took your son away from a DV situation. Use a credit/debit card so it's on the bank statement.

Hope this is something helpful for you in this situation.

[AskingWhy]

I called a domestic violence line as well this week. It took me about an hour of talking to their representative to convince her that I was not the abuser. My relationship counsellor told me that I should only call the police in the event that I think she could be on the verge of killing or seriously injuring me or the kids because the chances are they won't believe that I as a much larger male could be the victim.

This seems like sound advice as women are most often the victims of DV.  Women have made abuse and rape claims against innocent men.  This is easy to understand, but BPD women are sometimes violent toward male partners.  There is a gender bias, but the truth is more men abuse and kill female partners than women.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Oz,

Unfortunately, men face certain unique challenges when there is dv by a female spouse or partner. However, many local dv centers have expanded their approach to acknowledge that dv against men is a very real and underreported problem. Have you considered contacting a local office in your area? Speaking with a local advocate either on the phone or face to face may give you more of an idea of what a safety plan would look like in your situation. You could discuss certain challenges such as what if she attempts to block your exit or refuse to let you take your son when you try to leave. Also, you might still consider talking to your local police department to hear first hand what their protocol is for domestic violence calls where a female is the perpetrator against a male. Any time a relationship escalates to violence there is the potential for serious injury.

Have you seen this article on our website?:

Domestic Violence (for men)

[Harrisps]

Hi Oz,

Just wondering how you are getting on?

I related to your post when reading it. We have a 2yr old and my wife is 5months pregnant.

Anger and aggression; lashing out, smashing plates, throwing drinks have been happening more and more frequently.

It is a very difficult situation. I hope you have got some respite. Any luck with the strategies you were going to try?

I need to get through that the abuse must end. Leaving the house seems like a good option but what do you if it’s in the middle of the night? I don’t really want to sleep in my car but sometimes I strongly consider it.

Best wishes
H