BPD Mom has me left speechless & disoriented

[LostDove]

Until a few months ago I had never even heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. Growing up I had been aware that my mother had PTSD from her childhood..& always used that as an excuse for her actions. I was her only child & we were the only family members in each other's lives. Her family was extremely abusive & I vowed to her from a young age I would always love, protect & help her anyway I could. She was at times, an amazing mother. Someone who would snuggle up to me on the couch & watch horror movies, someone who would smile & congratulate me when I did well in school, & someone who told me how much she loved me; how very proud of me she was. Then there was the "other" mom. The one who could turn on me for a joke we had laughed at the day prior, going from 0 to 100 in a blink of an eye, screaming how dare I make jokes at her expense. The mother who would get in arguments with me about words I never said. The mom I quickly learned I could never defend myself to- if I ever wanted the screaming to stop. The mom who countlessly reminded me of every sacrifice she made for me & how much I didnt appreciate her. The selfish, self-serving daughter, who would have been better off in foster care since I didnt appreciate her parenting... Before I turned 18, we became homeless. My dreams of going out on my own & finding my own independence stalled as I quickly tried to find a job -since my mom said it would be much much easier & I could help get us out of this situation sooner. She moved us into an apt. Complex that we had lived in my sophmore year of high school. & for 2 years told me how unhappy she was there, how it was my fault we were there, how I needed to fix it. When I would suggest her gaining employment she would throw a scroll long list of excuses ... During this time I began dating my first serious boyfriend. My mom was unimpressed. He needed to make more of an effort with her. If he wanted to date me he had to understand we were a package deal. She needed one on one time with him, he needed to answer every time she called & the fact he cancelled plans with her once when his mom was in the hospital was "just an excuse". My mom spoke ill of him everyday I dated him, for 3 years. Still my boyfriend tried to get on her good side. Bought her coffees with the right amount of creamer, bought her gifts when she was down, tried to remind her of her best qualities constantly- despite how many times she would get in his face & scream about how he was a selfish, ego filled asshole who didnt understand suffering because he had multiple family members.
Still when I could no longer afford our apartment, my boyfriend moved in with is into a new apt. One week. One week of my mother relentlessly screaming at us both. Dictating how we decorated our space, invading our sexual privacy, calling me out to her friends about how I was so sensitive& closeminded.
Then one night while my boyfriend lie next to me, my mom came into our room while we were sleeping& groped him sexually. My boyfriend freaked, telling me she had been coming on to him for months...how she had said if he ever said anything to me i would never believe him, how it would ruin her & i's relationship, how if he cared about me he wouldn't make it my problem...
Since then mt boyfriend & I are still stuck in that lease. My mom swears he was interested despite the times he said otherwise, my mom sees nothing wrong with her actions, & still does not have a job...so my boyfriend & I have to continue paying on an apartment we don't live in or face eviction...

[Deb]

I don't have any advice but lots of empathy.  My dBPD sister  once bragged that she slept with all of my boyfriends.  It was like she was in competition with me. It's such a violation. 

[ProudDad12]

Hi LostDove, I can relate to so much of what you said in the beginning. My mom has her great side too, and in many ways was a kind and nurturing mom (TBH probably to the point of coddling). She loved to brag on me. But she had a traumatic childhood as well, and she has her triggers. I was able to navigate them well enough most of my life (not knowing that's what I was doing). But now that I've established and asserting my independence, with a family of my own, I'm hitting the triggers more often and her "100" pretty much overshadows all the good, to the point that my wife hopes to never see her again.

It sounds like your current situation has a few more layers than mine, and the financial implications complicate your options. Doesn't mean you don't have any though! I'm certain there are others who will come along here with some good advice, possibly even some who have been in the same situation. In the mean time, I'm sorry you're going through this! Aside from healthy boundaries, one thing that has helped me is reading other's experiences and reading up on BPD, toxic parents, etc. It helps me to take a step back and see my mom's actions are almost textbook, which in turn gives me a tool to try to keep from getting sucked into the emotional pit.