How did you break up with your ex?

[Forgiveness]

I have not broken up with my uBPD girlfriend but I am getting close.

My dream would be to have a respectful, amicable break up but I don't think this will happen. We have been together 18 months. No kids together and not living together but she lives in my neighborhood.

I don't know when or how to do this. I don't know how to prepare. Any advice? How did you do it and what happened? 

Before this, I was happily married for 17 years to my wife who suddenly died of cancer three years ago. She was the opposite of dysregulated-- she was the most diplomatic, reasonable, even-keeled person I have ever met. She was my rock.  In 17 years neither of us ever yelled at the other. So this is a new dynamic and honestly had I not been in deep grief when I met my GF I probably would not have tolerated her yelling for even five minutes. So now I am trying to undo a mess that I got myself into during a vulnerable time of my life. It is a very new challenge for me. I can do it, I just need to gear myself up a little.

[gizmocasci]

hi forgiveness,

i feel for you, as this was the first time i've ever expericed something like this as well. as passionate and deep as it was, the volatilty of it was something i wasn't prepared for. it lasted only 8 months, but for my own mental health i had to move on.

it won't be easy, but you need to do what's best for you. my ex and i would be in agreement somedays that we were on different pages and that it was best to move on, only the next day to have her lash out at me saying i was blowing everything up. it took me a few months to finally gain enough stregth to walk away from it. eventually i told her i thought it was best we don't reach out to each other anymore. after trying my best not to go no contact, it's something i had to do for me and for her as well. i received quite the lashing from it, however i stayed non reactive to it all. it hurt me to my core, but as time has passed by, i'm seeing things more clearly for what they are. it'll be 3 weeks tomorrow since i went no contact. i haven't blocked her yet, however that will be the next step if she tries to re-connect. its never easy breaking up with someone, as it's the first of my 3 relationships where i was the initiator, and it hurt very deeply as i felt her pain, but i keep reminding myself i can't fix her, nor can i save her.

you'll get a lot of great advice here, but at the end of the day just follow your heart.

best of luck, we're all here for you.

r

[Forgiveness]

Thanks for your story. Did you have friends in common? Is it awkward with them?

I want to break up now but I'm having a big 50th birthday party in one month.
It's a joint party with a friend that I met through my GF. The two of them are great friends.  This party would be so incredibly awkward if we broke up right before the party. So I will wait. But waiting a month feels like I'm being dishonest both with myself and with her.

I am a little stuck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Forgiveness, Yes, you can do it.  It sounds like you've been through a lot, particularly losing your even-keeled wife.   I suggest you do what's right for you.  Be authentic.  Don't let the tail - the birthday party - wag the dog.  There's no good time to break up and there will always be a reason to postpone it.  Yet doing the hard thing is often what leads to greater happiness, my friend.

LuckyJim

[Forgiveness]

Jim, I am having a hard time envisioning this. I can see two options:

1. I break up with her and she does not come to the party. This feels mean and also super awkward considering the person I am having the joint party with is a friend of hers that she's known much longer than she's known me. My party co-host will definitely want my GF at the party.

2. I break up with her and she still comes to the party. This can only create a lot of drama. I can't imagine this kind of drama at my birthday party either. I want to have a fun party without drama. Is this possible?

Half of me thinks now is not the right time, that I should wait until October. The other half wonders if I am just creating imaginary excuses to postpone the difficulty.

Another question:
How did you break up with your person? Over the phone? In person? Did they threaten to break up with you and you finally took them seriously?

[GaGrl]

People don't n this forum have broken up with BPD partners in various ways. It depends on several things -- does the partnerships with you, with arrangements to be made for one to move out? Are there financial issues to be sorted out? What is the level of volatility in the relationship -- how much drama do you anticipate?  Domestic violence? Denial and bargaining?

Some of the ways have been...

1) Tell the partner in a joint counseling session in which the counselor has been told and is ready to support both of you.

2) Tell your partner in a public or semi-public place where he/she will be less likely to lose control.

3) Have a private conversation in his/her home -- this requires confidence that the decision is firm, no chance of violence, and that you are resolved to leave at the end of the conversation.

4) Prepare by email, then finalize in person.

5) Ask a third party to wait for you so there is support and a partial witness.

6) If violence is a risk, send an email and make yourself physically unavailable.

Those are just some of the ideas. What are your thoughts?

[Forgiveness]

Thanks GaGrl.

As I mentioned, not living together, no kids. No violence, just random yelling about nothing.  As much as I will want to avoid confrontation I don't think this can be done over the phone. I think it has to be done in person. And not in a heated moment but later, when things are calm. I'm scared because she has severe fear of abandonment, which is not my fault, but it is there.

She refuses to go to couples therapy so option #1 on your list is out.

I am sad because I'll miss her, and because it will be awkward for our friends in common. My friends like her. She's fun. And I really love her friends but I don't know if we will can stay touch in the long run. I know that when my GF and her wife got a divorce she made all the friends choose between her and her wife. This makes me extra sad to think about.