Why did you decide to leave?

[tomservo]

I post this question with some hesitation, but it has been on my mind longer than I knew my wife's diagnosis. I had felt there was something amiss with her for some time and then recently my emotional state was at an all time low and my therapist, whom we share, told me about her BPD and urged me to research it. As I read I find myself very empowered knowing I am not the dirt ball husband that my wife has lead me to believe and many of her behaviors now have a different light shed on them. But, in spite of all this I feel her manipulation, gas lighting and emotional instability has driven me to the edge. I contemplate suicide with increasing interest starting with shock that I could ever do that to now almost feeling that is the only way out. I think we could work it out if I was not in this state but feel that the only answer is to split so we can both heal. I have been working on forgiving her and myself but I truly feel that if/when we split I just want to start over. I can't keep going like this, I have only known her diagnosis for 2 weeks but I have 7+ years of BPD behavior slowly ramping up. I feel like a real piece of doo doo for even wanting to leave, all she has done for me and that much of her issues are because of a mother who has personality disorder to spare. But, I also realized I'm a people pleaser and I will always chase after her like a puppy and if I don't leave I do not think I will survive this. I'm sorry if any of this upsetting but it has been boiling in my brain and needed out. I guess part of me wants validation by asking which seems like a messed up thing in itself, its just I feel like I've been put on spin cycle and spit out and all I want is to go home to my mom and hope in a few years find a new partner who can give me some stability.

[Harri]

Ho tomservo.  

I am sorry things are so difficult right now.  I get it and I know a lot of other people here also get it.

I moved your thread here as I want you to get the sort of support you will need regardless of what you decide in terms of staying or leaving.  The  board is also about bettering your coping skills really.  I know you asked a question about leaving.  People here will be able to answer that as well as we have several who post here to learn the skills offered but have either left or are in the process of doing so.

I am concerned about your thoughts of suicide.  Is your therapist aware of your thoughts on this?  Right now are you okay or would you be better off getting some in person help?  

[Skip]

tomservo,

I had a lovely relationship with my BPD partner. She was romantic and caring and fun - and she was attractive to my tastes. I was in walking on clouds.

She had some serious outside stressors at the end of year two, and things just stated rolling downhill with me chasing the ball and trying to push it back up the hill.

I learned she had BPD and it broke my heart. It meant that things weren't going to just fix and return to where we were - that there was always going to be problems. At that point I realized that they were problems that I couldn't resolve (I had been trying).

So I let go. I loved her and I let go. It took me 4 weeks of thinking about it.  It was the most painful thing I ever did to myself. The relationship was wrecking me at the end and leaving was even more painful.

But it is what I know I had to do.

It took me 2+ years to recover from it all... maybe even longer. I had an accident in that time frame so I was healing from major injuries and grieving. That was no fun.

So, I think this is a long way of saying that the most important decision to make is for your future, not for resolving your immediate pain.

If you step back and chill and look at this from 35,000, what is the best decision for your future? Do you know? Or do you need to analyze it a bit more?

Let's work through that. Either the analysis or how to best implement a decision.  We have people here that have lived on all sides of the options you face - we can help.

 bpdfamily is about getting you to a better place. Many of us have done that. You need that. Life needs to be worth living.

What are you thoughts on this? Let's talk about it.

Skip

[AskingWhy]

I have not "left" my uBPD H, but I have left in my mind.

To much has happened in over two decades of marriage:  holes punched in walls, rages, countless divorce threats, name calling, and then putting his children from his first marriage (to a uNPD W) over me since childhood--they are all adults now and close to 30.

My H has trouble with boundaries with his children and even strangers.  He is very intelligent and functional with a job with responsibility, but at home he can turn into Mr. Hyde in a second. 

I have know he is BPD for a few years now.  It started to add up.  My self esteem increased as I knew it was not "me" who was the problem that he alleged.  I started to understand that H has cognitive problems, too.  A few weeks ago, he was sharing his retirement plans with a group of just-hired laborers who were doing some landscaping for a company.  I overheard this over sharing, and sharply warned him to keep the conversation light.  He seemed embarrassed at his stupid mistake, almost like a young child told not to invite strangers into the house.

I have not physically left the R/S, but I have emotionally.  To be honest, if H actually filed for divorce, I would not be devastated like he'd wish.  I have already met with lawyers and know exactly my rights in my state.  BTW, a book by Bill Eddy, the author of, "Splitting," wrote in one of his books how BPDs often threaten divorce even if they have no intention of leaving--just as a bluff to put fear into their spouses. 

[gizmocasci]

I'd like to chime in on this. I didn't know a thing about BPD, till my therapist brought it up to me in conversation one day. This was only a couple months into a relationship with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She was being a bit controlling in the beginning, hence why I went to speak to my therapist. I abruptly ended it 3 months in (end of April), because my body was screaming at me to discontinue it. May/June/July found us in an on again off again relationship. I kept oscillating between wanting to be with her and not wanting to, but it was during those 3 months that a lot of BPD signs were showing. As far as I know she is untreated and she never mentioned it to me. She did claim that she had a mental break down a few years back. Looking back I guess I could've questioned more about it, but I let it be.

Back to the original questiong. I decided to end it because I couldn't take the verbal attacks anymore. The constant blaming, shaming and projecions thrown at me. It was wearing me down to such an extent, and I'm beginning to see that now. I love her dearly and this acutally hurts more than my 10 year relationship which ended three years ago. Mentally, I just couldn't hang in there any longer. I hope and pray she gets help. I could see a future with us, but again only if she gets the proper help. I feel for some of you who were at a longer. I guess I should consider myself lucky. Best of luck on your healing process.

[tomservo]

I apologize for the late response, my wife doesn't know she has BPD yet, as our therapist has only told me to help me cope, I only log on with my work computer so she won't see any of this. My therapist knows about my suicidal thoughts and we have discussed them, her main concern is whether or not I can emotionally survive everything. She is trying to help my wife come to the conclusion she has BPD as she feels that it would be better for her to work through it rather than if she told her directly. My wife has done all assignments given to her above and beyond what was asked and completely missed the point of the assignment. Someone asked if leaving would be for the best or just ease my pain temporarily and honestly I don't know anymore. The therapist feels like my wife has done a pretty good job of beating me down and now basically I have no confidence and no sense of self. The relationship is definitely emotionally abusive. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[formflier]

My wife has done all assignments given to her above and beyond what was asked and completely missed the point of the assignment.


I just don't know what to do anymore.

Has the therapist tried to "nudge" your wife to see "the point" of the assignment yet?  If not..what is the expected timeline for that?

What assignments does the T have for you and what is her opinion on "the point" that you are getting from doing those?

Here is the thing...so many people on these boards would love to be in the position of having a pwBPD going to T and working on assignments..especially the going above and beyond part. 

That it takes people (especially a pwBPD) a while to be introspective and "truly see" what others see doesn't seem surprising to me.  Does it to you?

I'm wondering if it makes sense to let your pwBPD do her thing in T..and you focus on getting stronger...and finding confidence.

What do you think?


Best,

FF

[tomservo]

I think she has tried to nudge her in the right direction. I think right now, all I want is out. Truthfully, part of this post was probably me just looking for validation. I'm tired of being blamed for everything and being manipulated. When I try to call her out she tells me its my fault and I'm the bad guy. And honestly I'm just tired of it. Last night she gave me a fairly expensive gift and I feel like she can sense me pulling away and is trying to pull me back in. I guess I should have tried to be more honest with myself and you guys when I posted. It's hard to admit to myself that's what I want because I don't want to hurt her and also I feel like a real turd for wanting to leave.

[formflier]

When I try to call her out she tells me its my fault and I'm the bad guy. 

Has your T coached you on "calling her out"?

What lessons have you learned on bpdfamily about how to "call her out"?

What are you working on with your T?

Best,

FF

[tomservo]

Truthfully, no one has coached me on anything. I'm still working my way through Walking  on Eggshells and really haven't encountered anything on how to talk to her about these things yet. Mostly what I've been reading was how to process what she was saying to me. What articles do you recommend?

[formflier]

Truthfully, no one has coached me on anything. I'm still working my way through Walking  on Eggshells and really haven't encountered anything on how to talk to her about these things yet. Mostly what I've been reading was how to process what she was saying to me. What articles do you recommend?

OK...what has your T been working with you on?

Let me think about some articles and I'll get back to you.

Best,

FF

[tomservo]

Mostly what she was been working with me is coming to the realization of the situation. Realizing I'm not the person my wife has painted of me and trying to help me realize that not all our problems are on me. Also, helping me realize that since I am a people pleaser I instinctively just took all the blame onto myself without much thought. I can't see her very often due to my work schedule but try to get in twice a month so we haven't been able to do much. I think just having the knowledge I did helped a lot in giving me back some confidence. I think part of the reason I want to leave now is I don't feel like I can trust my wife and I'm also afraid of her, she has never hit me or anything but getting yelled at for me is almost worse. She has threatened me before but it was really ambiguous and later I asked what she meant and she had been threatening physical violence towards me or herself, she said she wasn't sure. I feel trapped and that is in part why I feel suicidal at times is that I feel trapped and there is no hope.

[VaticanCameos]

I'd like to chime in on this. I didn't know a thing about BPD, till my therapist brought it up to me in conversation one day. This was only a couple months into a relationship with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She was being a bit controlling in the beginning, hence why I went to speak to my therapist. I abruptly ended it 3 months in (end of April), because my body was screaming at me to discontinue it. May/June/July found us in an on again off again relationship. I kept oscillating between wanting to be with her and not wanting to, but it was during those 3 months that a lot of BPD signs were showing. As far as I know she is untreated and she never mentioned it to me. She did claim that she had a mental break down a few years back. Looking back I guess I could've questioned more about it, but I let it be.

Back to the original questiong. I decided to end it because I couldn't take the verbal attacks anymore. The constant blaming, shaming and projecions thrown at me. It was wearing me down to such an extent, and I'm beginning to see that now. I love her dearly and this acutally hurts more than my 10 year relationship which ended three years ago. Mentally, I just couldn't hang in there any longer. I hope and pray she gets help. I could see a future with us, but again only if she gets the proper help. I feel for some of you who were at a longer. I guess I should consider myself lucky. Best of luck on your healing process.

Wow, reading your synopsis was almost like reading about my own situation.
One thing I struggle with is, why are these high functioning people with BPD able to hold it together at work/in public, but we become their outlets to rage at? Why do they continue to make us their emotional punching bag even when we tell them that's what they're doing and they need to stop.
Are we enablers in a sense?

[Cat Familiar]

Here's a three minute video on  ending conflict

Whether you stay or leave, knowing how to dial down the tension is a good skill to possess. And everyone has the right to leave a relationship that is intolerable. However, utilizing the skills we teach here can often transform difficult relationships into much healthier ones.

[PeteWitsend]

Why did I decide to leave?

Several reasons:

1) I really resented her after all the attacks, fights, accusations, and the way she treated me. 

I try not to dwell on it anymore, but I get angry when I think about some of the worst times, where she'd pick a fight out of the blue, or ambush me and then leave me there to deal with the fallout.

2) I read a lot about the effects of fighting on our kids, and wanted to shield them from it and provide a stable role model.

I decided that it was better for them to see me happy and be able to provide a calm, happy household for them at least some of the time, instead of seeing us fight and be unhappy, and grow up thinking that sort of relationship was normal.

I gave up "trying to stay together for the kids" when I realized she couldn't control herself, and would attack me (verbally) in front of them all the time.

Right now, she has more custody (per our state standard guidelines) but I'm prepared to fight her for that if I see she can't keep up her end of the child care duties. 

3) Last, but not least, I wasn't going to let a horrible disordered person ruin the rest of my life.  she already took over half a decade... and that was even too much. 

[gizmocasci]

Wow, reading your synopsis was almost like reading about my own situation.
One thing I struggle with is, why are these high functioning people with BPD able to hold it together at work/in public, but we become their outlets to rage at? Why do they continue to make us their emotional punching bag even when we tell them that's what they're doing and they need to stop.
Are we enablers in a sense?

Yes we are. We are allowing their behavior to continue without consequences. Me finally walking away and going go no contact two weeks ago was that consequence. Whether she cares or not, I don't know, but even after all the verbal asaults I do miss her still. Well I person A, not person B. Stay strong!