When the BPD family member has cancer: then what?

[PineTreeTaxi]

BPD sister just got diagnosed with cancer. Of course it’s terrible, and I did my best to make time for her calls and indulge her requests for prayers (she always made fun of me because she thinks religion is a crock of _____—typical.)

However, the diagnosis has turned her PD up to 11 to the point that I cannot maintain my sanity around her. In the weeks leading up to her test results she tried to convince me that a suspicious lump was definitely terminal and that she was sure the cancer was aggressive and had spread to the other organs.

Turns out it’s a single stage 1 tumor and statistics show that once treated, it returns in only 6% of cases.

But she continues to change her stories every day—throwing out contradictory stories to see what sticks and what will make me prove I love her.

One day she says the doctors won’t confirm it’s cancer but “she just knows,” the next she says I have no sympathy because even before the biopsy results, MULTIPLE doctors confirmed it was aggressive and required chemo.

I told her the honest truth: if a single doctor, never mind MANY, told her she had aggressive cancer before seeing test results, she should seek a lawyer for a lawsuit and have their medical license revoked.

Another time she said a doctor called it “treatable” and the next day she said there were too many variables and that she was going to die.

She also had a nervous breakdown the other day, incessantly texting while I’m at my first job in three years (she knows how difficult my finance and work situation has been) to tell me I’ve never loved her. A doctor prescribed her a sedative for situations like this so I asked if she has taken them yet. She said no and continued to rant about how no one has ever given her the love she deserves. I told her it might be a good idea to call the doctor and she said that all of my “logical” replies were proof that I wouldn’t care if she was dead.

After all of this, she came back the next day with a one line apology. I said I wish her well. Now that we know her disease is highly treatable, I hope she has much more time to find the love that she wants.

Somehow this led to her provoking me again, badgering me about lacking empathy and how I would never drop my stupid new business to visit her when she thought she was dying.

The thing is, cancer didn’t make her this unstable. She has had plenty of similar episodes in the past and cancer has now  given her a reason to guilt me into putting up with the behavior. Everything comes back to “is this how you treat someone who might die?”

But where is the mistreatment? Texting her good luck before every appointment? Keeping multiple promises to say prayers, keeping her on the line while she bawls her brains out. .

Has anyone been through something similar where you easily look like the asshole when behind the scenes it’s a totally different story? Am I awful if I cut her off?  I really can’t do this anymore.

[ProudDad12]

Hi PineTreeTaxi, I'm sorry to hear about your sister's cancer and how it's complicating an already difficult situation!

Has anyone been through something similar where you easily look like the asshole when behind the scenes it’s a totally different story? Am I awful if I cut her off?  I really can’t do this anymore.

I wouldn't say "through" as much as "currently in". I'm NC with my parents right now after
they crossed some major lines, and unfortunately this is during a time my dad is going through a prostate cancer scare. A fact my mom has been quick to use against me. So I'm having to just accept that my mom's side of the story is making me sound like a horrible person to everyone she tells in our small hometown. However, I'm having to remind myself of things like:

1) No sickness or anger is justification for the things they've been saying to us, with absolutely no apology or understanding, but with complete projection of the blame onto us.

2) My dad has been dragging his feet on this for years, and hasn't even had a formal diagnosis yet, because he wants a "special" biopsy as opposed to just hurrying up and getting the regular one.

3) I've had my parents' health issues exaggerated and thrown in my face my whole life as a means of controlling my behavior.

4) They are responsible for their own actions, and I am responsible for my family under my roof. And their actions are having horrible impacts to me and my wife's emotional well being, to the point of having manifestations that are harming our physical well being from stress.

5) I have shown concern and sympathized for the health issues, and made sure they knew I was praying.

At the end of the day it still becomes a tug of war with emotion vs logic. I try to hang onto the facts above, but if this stuff was easy I guess there wouldn't be a message board for support! Sorry again to hear you are going through this, I understand how hard and confusing it is. It sounds like you have shown your love and support. It's frustrating when well intentioned and constructive logic (e.g., your recommendation to see a doctor) gets misconstrued as apathy just because they were hoping for pure and unconditional pity and attention.

Anyway, at some point you have to take care of yourself! Good luck, and keep posting; there are a lot of people here with great insight and advice, and they've been a tremendous help to me.

[Panda39]

Hi PineTreeTaxi,

Good news about your sister's cancer...good prognosis 

I'm hearing a lot of fear on your sister's part which is natural cancer is scary, but boy she's really beating you over the head with it. 

You might try using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) the next time you talk with her. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
Something like...

Sis, I care about you and know cancer is really scary, I'd be scared too.  I want to support you but I also have to keep my commitment to my new employer.  If you want to you can also add something like...Let's go out for lunch this weekend. That gives your sister a set time to have your attention and for you it limits the time (to lunch only) so you aren't stuck listening all afternoon.

I am also hearing a ton of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail in her interactions with you.  More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I found that it helps me to take things less personally when I'm able to recognize FOG.

It is absolutely okay to put yourself first sometimes...self care is really important when we have some one with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives.  We often use the airplane analogy because it is true...When the Flight Attendant does their safety talk they always tell us that when the oxygen mask comes down that we should put ours on first and then help others.  Why?  Because you are no help to anyone else if you are unconscious.  So you can not be your best when helping your sister if you are worn out.  It is okay to let her calls go to voicemail and return them when you are ready/able, it's also okay to end the call if she becomes verbally abusive.  Boundaries...another tool 

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  You might give it a try they can be a great support.

Much of what we teach here is how we can change what we do/how we react, because frankly the only people we truly control is ourselves.  You can't make your sister not be BPD she needs to do the work there, but you can learn more effective ways to interact with her, and tools that protect you from abusive behaviors.

Maybe think of some boundaries that you could put in place that could help.  Could you set a time limit on calls with your sister?  Could you come up with some reasons to end the call?  You have to use the restroom, someone's at the door, you have someone over, you have something on the oven?  Can you communicate in different less stressful ways?  Send her an email article about something she likes? Send a card?  That way you stay in touch but it isn't as exhausting as phone/text.

I'm going to say again because I have needed to hear this from someone else too...It is not selfish to put yourself first and take care of you...it is self-care and it is essential.

Take Care 
Panda39

[PineTreeTaxi]

Thanks for the tips. The reason I feel I have no choice but to go no contact is because boundaries don’t work. When I send cheerful funny links to news articles or something light in nature, she says she’s not interested and unamused by the same things as me. She makes a big to do about how she’s more serious and deep. So I’ll talk about world affairs and she’ll shut me down and tell me she’s above that too.

I recently told her I wasn’t available as much because I am trying to juggle first time motherhood with finding employment. She asked “do you think I’m stupid and don’t know what you’re trying to do?”

I mean what else is left? Her drama queen hysteria and my separation from her has now caused one of our parents to start drinking again after almost twenty years, which makes everything extra messy. I know that’s up to my parent to figure out but I can’t help but want to hate/blame my sibling for this.