I've reached my limit, both with my kid and the "should"-ers

[Lola B]

People have told me for nearly as long as I've had her that I need to put myself first. I have been scrambling to keep up with an emotional tornado for 2 decades and I've had it with the people who look at things from the outside, consider it in the context of their own roughly healthy families, and tell me that I'm a cream puff, pushover, and I let my kid walk all over me. I must add that I am in recovery from catastrophic injuries from a car accident and have brain trauma and vertigo.

I am a single mother and my ex was a Harvard educated pathological narcissist. When I left him, he took his viciousness out on a three-year-old during his weekends. My kid has mood disorders on both sides of the family and a history of viciousness from the lunatic (my ex). When she nearly lost me in the crash and long recovery period, she "broke".

Since I'm back, I can't do anything right and her moods are severe. I would have hoped she was happy I lived. Nope, she demands that I meet her emotional needs, which are bottomless. She requires all my attention and cherished the power flip that happened since I was brain injured and couldn't drive. I actually attempted to no longer be here--that is how bad everything got. I sought out this forum because I need a team/tribe to battle through this siege because while I have done it alone for 20 years, that is unnecessary.

She has alienated me from partners, friends, neighbors, even strangers she decided caused me to be embarrassing to her (because me striking up a pleasant conversation is embarrassing). I was an extremely attractive, fit person who never thought of herself that way and now that I have limitations I have more perspective. She had some jealousy, which is normal for mom and daughter, but rather than rise to better herself, she thrives on tearing me apart.

I've finally hit rock bottom and am setting boundaries. It helps that she is away at college. She is, of course, attempting to contact me throughout the day. She was rude so I'm not responding for the day, but I doubt the boundary will be respected.

I am not her friend nor her sister. Our relationship was overly close. To hear her tell it, it is my fault. My side is that she was so desperately needy she didn't let me up for air. I had a mood-disordered mom who refused treatment and claimed she is well, and now my child is making me relive the nightmare I was seeking to escape. Now, my mom intervenes when I am losing my *%$#, which is ironic.

I was quite sensitive and compassionate but since the crash and brain injury, I just don't care about the emotional world of anyone past about 5 interesting minutes. That is putting the kid through the roof.

Thanks for letting me share.

PS: I didn't drop a single F bomb.
PPS: That's not easy when you have brain trauma. You lose your filter.
PPPS: My friends love taking me out. My filter-free disposition is a sigh of relief for them. (We live in the uptight Northeast)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello LolaB
I am really glad you found us. Really glad. This is definitely the right group for you. We get it. The "shouders" well intentioned as they may be do not understand the realities of parenting children with BPD. Their advice therefore runs from unhelpful to harmful. Here we are all learning together from reliable sources about how to improve our own lives and our relationships with our children.

Coping with your own physical disabilities and the aftermath of a painful divorce and single parenthood on top of the trauma of parenting a child with BPD as a single mom must be overwhelming. Have you considered the possibility that you may have PTSD? Lots of us here, myself included, have it.

The good news is there is help and there is hope and things can get better. Have you had a chance to settle in and have a look at some of the articles and videos on the site? There is a lot of great information out there about how to communicate with people who have BPD in ways they can hear.

But the first step really is self care. When I say put yourself first I don't mean it in a shouldy way. I mean you have gone through a lot of serious trauma and need a chance to heal your own wounds before you can really help your daughter. This time when she is away at college might be a great time for you to attend to some of your own needs. Have you thought about finding a good therapist? That is one thing that helped me along with prayer and this group. What are your thoughts about self care? What do you think will help you?
Again. welcome
Hugs
Faith

[No-One]

Hi LolaB:
Welcome!
I'm so sorry to hear about your accident and situation with your daughter.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, with both the aftermath of your accident and the challenges with your daughter.  I have periodic bouts of vertigo, so I have a little taste of how difficult it can be to function when the world is spinning around you.

What's the prognosis regarding your recovery for the head injury and other injuries related to the accident?  It has to be hard to be sidelined, after being a very fit person.  Do you hope to be able to drive in the future?

I agree with what FaithHopeLove says about taking care of yourself.  One way that importance is explained is while flying.  If there should be a need to deploy the oxygen masks, you are instructed to put your mask on first, then attend to the children.  The logic being, if you pass out, you aren't able to assist your children.  If you look at it that way, you really are putting your child first.  Making sure you are as fit as you can be makes you better able to assist your child.

I've finally hit rock bottom and am setting boundaries. It helps that she is away at college. She is, of course, attempting to contact me throughout the day. She was rude so I'm not responding for the day, but I doubt the boundary will be respected.

You have to expect that your daughter won't respect your boundaries.  It will always be up to you to enforce them.  Boundaries are personal to you and are things that you have control over.

Is your daughter getting any treatment, meds and/or therapy?

PS:  It's good that you have a sense of humor.  If you were someone who never cussed, it has to be difficult for you to have lost your filter.  I've heard of some people who after head injuries begin speaking with a different accent or even a different language.