I saw him once and need advice

[anna58]

I can't believe I am in this position. It was 2 and half years ago he left for Europe and California. He came back to my small college town and only know me and a mutual friend (a couple) here.

I knew he was here and did nothing. My sister and a friend saw him. I did nothing. He didn't try to contact me.

I ran into him at the grocery store. I saw him; he didn't see me. I could have walked away. I went up to him and said hello.

We talked for a long time and got something to eat. I should have stopped before this, right?

But it felt good to see him and talk through some of what had happened. But his view of it is distorted.  It felt good to be "with" someone. i am too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family that I talked with him because they know he is trouble.

Later he emailed me and wanted to bring his laundry over and some take out food. Really? 

He is in a motel, mentally not in good shape, or physically.  He his on food stamps, doesn't have a place to live.

I emailed that due to my health problems I have very little time for friendships, relationship, and anything other than keeping my head above water (work, taking care of my dog).

His response was that he obviously loved me, had had a tear in his eye when he saw me, and hoped I'd let him in, let in a person who loved me.

Omg. Of course, that is just what I want and it feels so hard to resist. But then I remember how he has pushed away and disenfranchised everyone he knows. Even a couple who were our good friends, helped him out, but now can't risk allowing him into their lives. He will attach like a leech, and is already trying to.

Why the hell do I even feel like I want more contact? Because I am so tired of being alone and craving some closeness.

The advice I really need is this: what do I say or do now?
1--not respond to the email saying he loves me?
2--respond and tell him that I just don't want to see him. Tell him I hope he understands that I just can't put time into even a friendship right now?

It's not too late, right? I haven't promised him a thing. I am upset with myself that I had any contact after all this time.

Thank you, friends.

[formflier]

If you are upset with yourself over the contact, why not be honest with yourself and him..and explicitly put that out there.

"I made a mistake by reaching out to you.  Wish you well.  Please respect my decision.

Best,


Ana58
"


How do you think you would feel about yourself if you sent that?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Later he emailed me and wanted to bring his laundry over and some take out food. Really? 

He is in a motel, mentally not in good shape, or physically.  He his on food stamps, doesn't have a place to live.


I think you know the answer to the question you ask. You know who he is.

[Notwendy]

I haven't promised him a thing.

No you haven't. What you are feeling is obligation. (FOG). That's part of the dysfunction between the two of you. He takes on his role too.

I don't think that the meeting was "wrong". I think it shows how much you have become aware and see the  in both you and him. You are aware of your own vulnerability and how this can lead to to accept a relationship that isn't good for you. You are in a different place emotionally this time.

And you can make a different decision, the one that is best for you. You aren't the reason he's ended up in a motel and in a bad place mentally. You also have no obligation to be a place for free laundry.

I think since he lives near you, not replying might make it awkward if you run into him, because it isn't clear to him what you want. I would reply like FF says " I don't wish to pursue a relationship with you". He may reply back from victim perspective as he did " I had a tear in my eye, you broke my heart" or whatever, but you didn't do anything but meet him once. You don't owe him anything for doing that. If he continued to e mail you, then I would not reply once you've made yourself clear. JADE isn't necessary.

[anna58]

Thank you for the compassionate response, NotWendy. It was helpful to hear that talking with him for a while after running into him doesn't mean I owe him something. Of course it doesn't. But I begin to feel obligated (FOG).
And there is the pull to sink into the comfort of being with him and not being alone. But I know that does not go in a good direction.

It helped when I was at a BBQ and realized if he was there, he'd get an awful response from people and I would not feel good about being associated/attached to him. That says it right there.

Just wish I didn't feel the pull. But I'm human and he knows how to push buttons.

I am emailing him now to say I don't want to be in a relationship. That's all I need to say.

Thank you for the support.  Anna

[anna58]

As I went to respond to his email, to say I don't want a relationship, I realized the email said more than I thought. I want to share it:

"Sorry to hear that, A.[I told him for health reasons I had limited energy, etc.] You could see I still have strong feelings for you when being with you
again brought tears to my eyes and genuine affection for you.  I hope some day you will let yourself see that someone  who loves you this much could make your life better."

He believes I keep a safe distance in relationships and don't let myself get close. There may be some truth to that. Which is what gets me. And, his note is lovely. If it was coming from anyone else. Oh, that is so hard on my heart. If it was from someone who hadn't dragged me down, gaslighted, etc.   He bends the truth. He probably isn't aware that he does any of this, but that doesn't matter. He didn't make my life better. He mooches off people, living with them, and won't leave (friends, family, other women, me).

When we talked, I said that I kept an emotional distance because he never would say we were dating or in a relationship, even though we clearly were. His response was that he got so upset that I refused to include him in family (sister, mother, etc.) events/holidays, that he didn't "commit".  But the first year I met him we lived in another state and he never agreed we were "dating". He admitted to following me out here to the West Coast, and still not willing to say we were a couple, though we were.  So, I kept an internal distance and didn't bring him to family events.

I see my fault in all of that---I was so into not being alone that I accepted something that made no sense and hurt us both. I was so taken by the emotional connection and closeness. Part of me wants him to move in. For comfort, companionship, and financial relief from my high rent. But wow, I hear myself say that. It took a lot for me to have the stability I do in my apartment. I know I can never compromise that.

He would be his narcissist self and I'd lose the hard-won sense of self I have been gaining these past 2 years without him.

I guess I am looking for assurance and kindness because this pulls my heartstrings so much.

Thank you for listening to this, as it is very hard.

[Notwendy]

His response was that he got so upset that I


Do you see the dynamics in this? You expressed a sadness about something and his response it-- "I got so upset". Victim perspective.

You're upset about something he does, he replies well I did it because you made me upset- justifying his actions.

How did you feel about this? Did you feel invalidated?

Victim perspective allows the person to not take responsibility, to not be accountable.

Does  guy who is living in a motel, who asks to bring his laundry over after not seeing you in a long time, sound like someone who will be stable? If he's unstable how can he add to your stability?

[anna58]

Thank you, NotWendy. Yes, I see that victim perspective, and he has a  lot of that to dish out. And you are on-target about his not being able to add to my life or make it better.  He is in a motel with no job, etc.

This support is good for my head. 

Anna

[Notwendy]

I understand how easy it is to experience FOG. If we have any co-dependent traits, this is our "alcohol" ( as if we were alcoholics). If we think about it, one "date" ( not that this was one), or even two or any really- obligates us to be in a continuing relationship. Yet, we tend to feel responsible for someone else's feelings " well he says he loves me".

For many of us, I think it's this tug that attracts us into dysfunctional relationships with people who "match" this need- and what keeps us in them. When someone takes victim perspective, we feel responsible to fix the situation for them. But then, if we think about it, does what they say make sense?

You say " I don't want to start something"
His reply ( victim) "you are just closed off to my love for you..."  The blame is on you. Does it acknowledge your boundaries respectfully?

I think it helps to know our vulnerabilities- and examine that "tug". Then, you can decide is this good for me or not?