Does anyone else have a loved one whose job/career causes them so much stress?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Question
My dad is learning more, too. He is now able to try to piece things together that occurred in his life experience and why he thinks he is suffering these disorders.

I’m curious if it helps any other BPD’s to reflect as far back as they can to try to understand it?

In a safe place, of course with someone they trust or is qualified, especially if there was trauma involved.

My dad had ADHD -with the hyperactive parts being really profound in his younger days. He was not DX’ed as a child.
He had learning problems that were not addressed. His parents were absent...he felt neglected.

He was very sick with asthma and recall not being very attractive to the females in his school because he was sickly and skinny.

In some way, it caused a distrust of women later on as an adult.
From that caused fetish-type sexuality. Not any real intimacy with a person.

But not just because of feeling no girls paid attention to him, he saw his mother being in a submissive type role as a wife. This is at a very young age. His dad, he explains, was very abrasive. He was an ego maniac-narcissist. My dad hid under the bathroom counter when he came home from work.

He recalls him not being around very much. It was all about his career. And everyone knew he was having affairs. He believes his mother became over-religious to cope with everything.

He (his father) felt that you could never argue with success; therefore, it was always his way or the highway. You had to achieve the same level,of success as he (the father) and follow the same career path, invest your money the same way. Be just like him...

Your hobbies and interests were not important to him (the father).

My dad was kicked out of the home as a young teen.

He also ran away once (for attention) with a bunch of friends and they ended up far from home with no money and each boy (as I recall the story) called their parents and they were over-joyed they were safe and immediately was en-route to come get them.

However, my dad called his mother and she said where should we send your clothes? He was heartbroken! The one he was closest to did not care about his safety or want him back!

Another boy’s dad gathered all the children including my dad and took them back home.  Never scolding them just asking why did you run away? The man took my dad in and gave him a job because he was not allowed to return back home.

He continued working. He was in a bad accident. This is when he was allowed to move back.

Shortly after, his father made his mother choose between the two of them. "Either he goes, or I go.” And, this was on his birthday!

His mother chose him and his bond to her was confirmed. But he has always felt guilt that he caused their divorce by her choosing him.  What’s messed up is that his father told him he WAS the reason.

When he was younger he wondered why he was not disciplined like his sisters, and understood this to be he was not loved as much as his sisters.

All of his siblings were old enough to leave the home before he reached maturity. He had no friends. He was raised mostly by a nanny.

This created another sleigh of problems in adulthood from all mentioned above.

Moving fast forward—that ADHD that his parents never paid attention to when he was a child was already causing problems in young adulthood in college and on his first job.

It would be a pattern that would follow him to the present day.

If you look at the diagnoses of A.D.D. And A.D.H.D, you can see the similarities of many other mood disorders.

No one knew how to “take him.” So he has been “misunderstood, unattractive, and dumb” his entire life, in his mind.  

In actuality, it’s the complete opposite. He has many talents they just were not appreciated by his parents and they did not support his dreams.

Is it learned behavior? Or is it chemical? Or is genetic? Or is BPD so dang complex because it’s ALL of it?

So, here we have:
1) Upbringing
2) Problems on the job

Resulting in- estranged from family; cannot keep a job.
Family is a huge stressor to him and his job is even a bigger stressor. Always...
Could it be because he could remove himself from family, but he HAS to work to live and provide for himself.
So when he is at work he continuously is feeling anxious, no matter what day it is.

He tries to pretend everything is ok and has learned to look a different way, Act a different way when at work.

Then, feel a safety net with those he feels the closest to and can trust won’t ever abandon him to be able to unleash, let go —release the frustration and anger and if it’s too much stress to empty it turns into a full -blown episode?

Reflecting now on how frustrating it is for him with having to learn differently than others, being criticized continuously because of disabilities, fear of losing employment, not getting any praise—just criticized on what he’s doing wrong-day in and day out.

Then having to try to balance that with family or home life and not having the skills, tools, mental capacity, strength to do so.

Does anyone else have a loved one whose job/career causes so much stress (not normal stress) as it does him to where it’s not seeming lazy now, but a huge anxiety?

That seems it would be Akin to me as a fire fighters trying to put out wildfires day and night. Complete , overwhelming exhaustion.

If/when he retired, he could heal? If he took himself out of the fire...exhale. Be free of the anxiety and perceived dangers?

All posted with permission from dad after he read first. He wanted to include his illness gave him a sunken in chest that also made him self-conscious about his appearance as a young boy and through -out life.

He wanted me to mention his mother did not say where to send his clothes, but it was “where should we send your stuff.”

Any thoughts?

[Cinnamonx7]

Question
My dad is learning more, too. He is now able to try to piece things together that occurred in his life experience and why he thinks he is suffering these disorders.

I’m curious if it helps any other BPD’s to reflect as far back as they can to try to understand it?

In a safe place, of course with someone they trust or is qualified, especially if there was trauma involved.

My dad had ADHD -with the hyperactive parts being really profound in his younger days. He was not DX’ed as a child.
He had learning problems that were not addressed. His parents were absent...he felt neglected.

He was very sick with asthma and recall not being very attractive to the females in his school because he was sickly and skinny.

In some way, it caused a distrust of women later on as an adult.
From that caused fetish-type sexuality. Not any real intimacy with a person.

But not just because of feeling no girls paid attention to him, he saw his mother being in a submissive type role as a wife. This is at a very young age. His dad, he explains, was very abrasive. He was an ego maniac-narcissist. My dad hid under the bathroom counter when he came home from work.

He recalls him not being around very much. It was all about his career. And everyone knew he was having affairs. He believes his mother became over-religious to cope with everything.

He (his father) felt that you could never argue with success; therefore, it was always his way or the highway. You had to achieve the same level,of success as he (the father) and follow the same career path, invest your money the same way. Be just like him...

Your hobbies and interests were not important to him (the father).

My dad was kicked out of the home as a young teen.

He also ran away once (for attention) with a bunch of friends and they ended up far from home with no money and each boy (as I recall the story) called their parents and they were over-joyed they were safe and immediately was en-route to come get them.

However, my dad called his mother and she said where should we send your clothes? He was heartbroken! The one he was closest to did not care about his safety or want him back!

Another boy’s dad gathered all the children including my dad and took them back home.  Never scolding them just asking why did you run away? The man took my dad in and gave him a job because he was not allowed to return back home.

He continued working. He was in a bad accident. This is when he was allowed to move back.

Shortly after, his father made his mother choose between the two of them. "Either he goes, or I go.” And, this was on his birthday!

His mother chose him and his bond to her was confirmed. But he has always felt guilt that he caused their divorce by her choosing him.  What’s messed up is that his father told him he WAS the reason.

When he was younger he wondered why he was not disciplined like his sisters, and understood this to be he was not loved as much as his sisters.

All of his siblings were old enough to leave the home before he reached maturity. He had no friends. He was raised mostly by a nanny.

This created another sleigh of problems in adulthood from all mentioned above.

Moving fast forward—that ADHD that his parents never paid attention to when he was a child was already causing problems in young adulthood in college and on his first job.

It would be a pattern that would follow him to the present day.

If you look at the diagnoses of A.D.D. And A.D.H.D, you can see the similarities of many other mood disorders.

No one knew how to “take him.” So he has been “misunderstood, unattractive, and dumb” his entire life, in his mind.  

In actuality, it’s the complete opposite. He has many talents they just were not appreciated by his parents and they did not support his dreams.

Is it learned behavior? Or is it chemical? Or is genetic? Or is BPD so dang complex because it’s ALL of it?

So, here we have:
1) Upbringing
2) Problems on the job

Resulting in- estranged from family; cannot keep a job.
Family is a huge stressor to him and his job is even a bigger stressor. Always...
Could it be because he could remove himself from family, but he HAS to work to live and provide for himself.
So when he is at work he continuously is feeling anxious, no matter what day it is.

He tries to pretend everything is ok and has learned to look a different way, Act a different way when at work.

Then, feel a safety net with those he feels the closest to and can trust won’t ever abandon him to be able to unleash, let go —release the frustration and anger and if it’s too much stress to empty it turns into a full -blown episode?

Reflecting now on how frustrating it is for him with having to learn differently than others, being criticized continuously because of disabilities, fear of losing employment, not getting any praise—just criticized on what he’s doing wrong-day in and day out.

Then having to try to balance that with family or home life and not having the skills, tools, mental capacity, strength to do so.

Does anyone else have a loved one whose job/career causes so much stress (not normal stress) as it does him to where it’s not seeming lazy now, but a huge anxiety?

That seems it would be Akin to me as a fire fighters trying to put out wildfires day and night. Complete , overwhelming exhaustion.

If/when he retired, he could heal? If he took himself out of the fire...exhale. Be free of the anxiety and perceived dangers?

All posted with permission from dad after he read first. He wanted to include his illness gave him a sunken in chest that also made him self-conscious about his appearance as a young boy and through -out life.

He wanted me to mention his mother did not say where to send his clothes, but it was “where should we send your stuff.”

Any thoughts?

[Harri]

Is it learned behavior? Or is it chemical? Or is genetic? Or is BPD so dang complex because it’s ALL of it?

I think it can be all of those factors, certainly after such a long time.  Is he able to go for therapy?

Then having to try to balance that with family or home life and not having the skills, tools, mental capacity, strength to do so.

Does anyone else have a loved one whose job/career causes so much stress (not normal stress) as it does him to where it’s not seeming lazy now, but a huge anxiety?

If he has BPD, which is a disorder of emotional regulation, and often people with BPD lack life skills and coping skills to get them through touch situations all of what you describe he will struggle in the ways you describe here.  Stress, even what is 'normal' can be overwhelming to someone with BPD.  A lot of pwBPD are unable to hold jobs for any length of time though some can and do. 

If/when he retired, he could heal? If he took himself out of the fire...exhale. Be free of the anxiety and perceived dangers?

Some pwBPD function well when the stress is reduced to a minimum.  The thing is, the underlying deficits are still there so while it is work that is causing him stress today, will something else fill in that space?  It is impossible to say.

I wonder if your dad would do better posting himself at a place for people with BPD.  We often get people here who are looking for help and refer them to a place specifically for BPD sufferers.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html] Resources for BPD Sufferers

[Cinnamonx7]

That would be great. We have been looking for a support group for him.

I don’t know if another stressor will take place if he retires because it’s the only 2  I have identified above that I have known of or experienced watching him through since I was a very young teen.

I can remember the most pleasant mood he has ever had was working from home  and understood the job function very completely and confidently. He in fact received award after award by supervisors and spot awards from whatever the client company was.

He was making the most (financially) he had ever made and felt a sense of worth. They wanted him so bad they gave him a huge sign on bonus. He had so many benefits and it seemed he was feeling very good about himself.

Proper rest and a supervisor who was very nice man. They had things in common that they spoke about outside of work hours.

I don’t recall him ever having a really bad episode during this period at all.

When he was stressed or did not understand how to use a software , there was always a good support system and they were extremely patient with him—allowing Him multiple personal one on one sessions privately until he could learn it.

He mourns the loss of that job. It was a company merger or buy out type thing that eliminated not just his position but many departments. That was years ago. But his self esteem was at highest and his moods were more stable. He was only taking mild medication at this time. Like lexapro and an anxiety one.

Also, he could work a schedule that was comfortable for him. Except for being on conference calls. He is a work-a-holic when he excels at something and the environment and peers\/co-workers and supervisors gel.  If not, he shuts down and he gets worse and worse.

His medical team have not been very supportive nor really experienced in both of our opinions.  I’ll just say he’s a veteran and that will give you a clue.