Silence is broken

[Rosheger]

I heard from my dtr after many weeks of wanting “her space”.  Which also turned out to be space I needed too.  During this time I have been reading and listening to podcasts.  The book “when your daughter has bpd” has been extremely helpful - there were manyexamples I could have written myself giving me a much clearer insight into the alternative world of BPD with its own language, its own way of thinking. 
  I was thrilled to get a text from my dtr!  She wants to start the “healing” of our relationship. Told me she loves me and gets that I’m not so bad after all.  I told her I want to heal too.
  This time I am going real slow so I don’t make past mistakes.  I know now what triggered her and hopefully I will “listen generously” and respond with my new wisdom!  I am very excited but very aware to go very slowly.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

THANK you for posting this Rosheger.  I felt like your post was speaking to me personally - it was on the top of the board and I came here because for the first time my dd has fully cut off contact with me, for about 2 weeks now - before sometimes she would go low contact, but always she'd let me know she was ok.  I still know from other family she is all right, or at least has checked in.  So your post just spoke to me and gave me some hope that it would resolve.

You are right to go slowly!  Our relationship had been pretty good but then I spoke to someone else in the family about concerns and it got back to her, and boom - she could not handle speaking to me.  I understand and I'm in a place where its more peaceful but of course its also a worry, and I know there are many ways I am at fault for how this happened in the first place - this is true, I cannot describe now, but I made mistakes that I know caused a lot of her pain. 

I am hoping the best for you and know that you are doing the best you can by learning and being patient and careful.  Hope for your and your daughter's healing and journey!

[Rosheger]

Thank you Incadove,
  The silent treatment is the hardest part.  I said something I thought was validating her but, in fact, did just the opposite. She felt totally abandoned by me.  And she went silent. I was baffled and realized I have a lot to learn about communicating with my BPD dtr!  It is such a roller coaster! And esp hard as my other child is non-bpd so communication with him is so easy!
 I think your dtr will come around and you will both be wiser about how to keep a connection going!

[incadove]

Thank you Rosheger, very thoughtful answer.  How did you handle the weeks in between?  Did you send occasional messages offering contact or support or expressing some non-demanding emotion?  I sort of seesaw between worrying she is feeling bad and wanting to comfort her, reach out and let her know I am always there, and feeling upset about being dropped!  So I am trying to only do occasional contacts and only when I am in the right frame of mind!

Really good your daughter is expressing a desire to heal the relationship.  The skills here really do help, I think just the fact that I'd learned and changed made my dd's feel I cared enough to try.

[Rosheger]

At first I sent texts, but she made it clear she wanted "no contact" till she felt ready.  So I honored that.  It was very hard but I am educating myself and hopefully will get to practice my new tools soon!  It is also hard as none of my friends have children who suffer from BPD (at least that I know of) and I listen to their happy stories of time spent together with their daughters and I get sad.  But I now accept who my dtr is and that she has an emotional dysregulation problem that she has little control over.  And that we can still have a loving relationship.