Cycle of rages, suicide attempts and week long drug binges is starting again

[Olaf]

I just need some advice. I really don't know what to do, even though I've been at this for 14 years.
Things have changed.

The cycle of her rages, suicide attempts and week long drug binges is starting up again. I can't take it and we have a 12 yr old.

Just random comments are triggering her daily. I'm trying to leave but she won't let me. She says she can't trust the medical community (they have done a horrible job and damaged her severely) so I'm her only hope, but also that I'm poison and have hurt hurt more than her actual abusers by not agreeing with what she says categorically and by not taking responsibility for things I haven't done.

She insists she will kill herself if I don't admit that I'm hurting her, but I know this is a trap because she's done this many times before. If I admit to doing something I didn't do, she will bring it up every few days as evidence of how sick I am. I want to get away but I can't leave our child with her.  I have to make life livable until our child can move out and live on their own.

What do I do? Keep avoiding, which sends her into furious rages, panic attacks, violent outbursts and drinking binges. Or do I refuse, which does the same. Or do I agree, which does the same.  I guess I answered my own question. There's no real hope other than stand there and let it crash, with casualties all around.

What am I missing?

(PS  I'm not perfect. I have problems, which have gotten worse recently. I'm suicidal, hopeless and can't help myself from arguing with her over what is real and what is make believe, which as you know doesn't help).

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[once removed]

hi Olaf, and

wow. things sound really stressful for you.

its hard enough when a loved one is suicidal, that much harder when they are threatening you with it.

What do I do?

take things one step at a time. to begin with, it would be really prudent to build your support system. experts will tell you its critical.

youll need to prioritize in terms of the biggest dilemmas here. i would really encourage you to seek out local suicidal ideation resources. dealing with suicide threats is no simple task, but they can help you navigate.

how long has this been going on? you mention she has had suicide attempts in the past?

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry things are so overwhelming.  Once removed's suggestion to take things one step at a time and prioritize is great advice. 

RC

[Harri]

What sort of support do you have other than here?  I am concerned about your own struggle with suicide ideation and the stress of supporting another while also having a child.

If you are in the US you can text 741741 for some support for your own feelings and they can help you or at least direct you towards local resources.

Harri