Self-care when too much confusion or pain

[TelHill]

I am going through a lot of confusion and fear after a difficult weekend with my bpd mom and enabler dad.  I felt the fear and got through some of it, but  feel frozen. It reminds me of when I was a teen and helpless. Mom acted mean but didn't know why then.

I am listening to a lot of music to self-soothe.  That is the best I can do right now.

I left a voice mail for a therapist who was highly recommended to me. My online health insurance listing for therapists says they are in the network.  If they've left the network, sometimes they call but they sometimes ghost. I'll keep calling others if I hear or don't hear from this one.

It helps to write this. I think this is close as a normal person gets to feeling dissociated? Not sure.

P.S. My enabler dad just came up to me to say he was extremely depressed. I can say who cares but I do. Then it's lack of care and concern from the golden child, my brother, who provides no elderly care.  It makes me angry he's pushed this onto my plate in his usual passive aggressive manner.  All the asking in the world gets silence or broken promises.

[Longterm]

  TelHill

Have you ever tried meditation? I was sceptical at first but have been amazed at how centering and calming it can be. It can help with anxiety and tension.

  It helps to write just this. I think this is close as a normal person gets to feeling dissociated? Not sure.

It's a strange feeling isn't it. I see it as us telling ourselves we are processing emotions, spacing out to concentrate on what needs healing. It can be a scary experience at times though so its helpful to reassure yourself that you are ok and there is no danger.

LT.

[Harri]

Hi! 

Self-soothing is a skill we can all use and probably most of us need some help with it.  Listening to music works for me, but I have to be careful of what type of music it is.   It has to be something fun or at least emotionally neutral to me.  If I listen to something that matches my mood or the mood I am heading towards?  It is not good.

LT mentioned meditation and that is also a good thing.  I have a hard time with the more traditional meditation techniques.  I can't clear my mind and I tend to fall asleep.    What I used to do when I could was walking meditation.  Now I do mindfulness.  Not with emotions, though that is important too, but with whatever task I am doing whether it is wahing dishes or even in the shower.  I focus on the feel of the water, the smell of the soap how the lather feels on my hands, the feel of the dishes etc.  It helps me to focus and n that sense it clears my mind.

We also have a thread on distress tolerance skills that are taught in DBT which are great for anyone to learn.  Check out this thread here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331665.0 and see what you think. 

another thing that helps me is to check my thoughts and expectations.  If you have repeatedly asked your brother to help and he refuses he is telling you through his actions what he is willing to do.  Yep, it is not fair.  Is it helpful to you to keep asking him though?  Or to keep getting angry that he is being who he is?  I am not saying to be happy about it.  I am saying you can't change it and chances are the more you ask the more he is going to dig in.  Radical Acceptance can help with this.

What do you think?

[TelHill]

Hi Harri,

I think you're right about giving up with my brother. He was like this when we were kids. He delighted in making me angry. He wants what he wants. With my mom he gets that. What appeases mom makes life easier for dad. I'll stop and make my life easier.

Another thing I've noticed is I believe my father is exaggerating his back arthritis symptoms to make me stay here. When I was having my big upset over the weekend, he worked in the yard very easily and happily. He didn't move around the house like he was dragging 50 lb. lead weights on his shoulders.

He requested I buy Tylenol Arthritis pills 4 weeks ago to help with the pain. I told him he should take 1 pill every other day at the very most. He was grateful that I bought them because he truly needed them.

He keeps them in the kitchen I just counted how many are left in the bottle. He has taken six pills in the last month. He also requested I buy vitamins for his condition. I ordered Glucosamine Chondroitin MSM and they arrived a few days ago. He took them for one day and said he was afraid to take them further.  Stomach upset or feeling dizzy? No. He couldn't pinpoint the fear. The pills are in the trash. That is unusual too. They hang onto anything they buy for years even if it's never used.

I could be wrong. I googled spine arthritis. All reputable sources say to go to a doctor for a diagnosis. I'll make the appointment for him today. If he's correct, at least he can get some treatment for it.