Unsure: I need help setting better boundaries

[4Life]

I’m not sure if my husband has BPD but I think he might. I see in him borderline. Narcissistic, ocd personality, bipolar, and he has been diagnosed with ADD. I need help setting better boundaries, dealing with his rage that results from speaking up for myself, and not enabling certain things anymore. He’s not changing enough for me, and it’s been 4 years of marriage. I want to stand up for myself more but it usually ends horribly. I’m reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it is good, it led me here. I feel verbally and emotionally abused and sometimes feel scared of him. He’s never hurt me or threatened to, but still I feel scared of his ugly grimaces and body language and intense anger. I didn’t grow up with the dysfunction I see in him and his parents and I struggle to love and accept them all. Divorce is not what I want for a variety of reasons. Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi 4Life and welcome!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you've found us. We're an understanding, supportive group of people who "get it."

Much of what you say is so familiar to me. I, too, had to deal with my husband's rage and verbal/emotional abuse. I felt scared of him even though he never laid a hand on me.

Can you tell us a bit more about the certain things you want to stop enabling? The things that bring on his rage? We can help you get stronger and set (and maintain) your boundaries. Details help.

Also, I know you said he's never physically hurt you, but have you ever taken the MOSAIC assessment test? It's a free test used by law enforcement and others to evaluate threat levels. I don't want to scare you, but it's a good idea to take it and get an idea of where you stand. At the urging of members here, I took it last year and scored a 6. I also started speaking to a counselor who specializes in domestic violence, which I found immensely helpful.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

If you take it, please let us know your score. Keep posting and hang in there! We want to help!

[once removed]

hi 4Life, and

his rage that results from speaking up for myself

you do sound exhausted 

whats going on most recently? can you give us an example of when and where things broke down? we can walk you through it.